Poetry / Jade (Analysis)

His toes burrowed softly into the cold, crumbly sand,
Echoing. Wow. Explain this to me. feet burried echoing in the sand. You have created beautiful images up until this. I suppose an imprint is a sort of echo but one has to really think about it to figure it out.
A comma needs to be after “turquoise,” breaking…
“And breathed gently into his side.” This is an odd description. Why couldn’t she breathe on his neck? You could make this romantic and potent if you replaced the breath on his side. How does one breathe into another’s side?
Why sea glass? Why not just glass. If you are talking about the sea in metaphoric sense it doesn’t work well. You can say glass because we never know what he is drinking.

I like this, especially for something written on the spur of a moment. This is Sand’s rule. A poem is not a poem if it takes longer than a half and hour to compose. You lose something by thinking too much. You did it right. Now edit it and it will be smashing. Love the images of the sea, and the glass of turquoise liquid.

Nice imagery. Like a photograph.

This is an excellent piece. I’ve no suggestions because it’s flawless to me. I’m still searching for the true meaning of the “sea glass”, and why he crumbled the glass in his palm…but that’s probably only because I’m only adolescent. You should publish your poetry.

On the whole it begins to create a nice image of standing on the sea shore at dawn but some of the phrasing is awkward and images appear out of nowhere. Such as: How does an aching silence break open? If the horizon is full of light, how can the dawn be tremulous? It is already full of light. “drinking in the delicious turquoise breaking on the shore at his feet” is too wordy, and if it is at his feet, how does he drink it in? Echoing should not be on a line by itself, and how do toes echo in the sand? “breathed gently into his side” is obvious. Where on his side? And when did he pick up the sea glass? That comes out of the blue, so far he’s only been standing on the shore observing and drinking in. There’s a story here, but it needs fleshing out logically and taming of words. Interesting start, but needs more work.

I am going to review your ratings/talents I am giving you 10s

But now I am going to be harsh:

your lines are all over the place
couldn’t you make this into 3 stzs.?
I have no idea what you are doing with your stresses
syllables.
What does Jade have to do with anything.
I am being tough because this is a great poem
and I think you are in school with a creative writing teacher.

Absolutely no reason to capit. the first lines.

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August 18, 2008

by shadowedxrain

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	81.1% (53 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22	F	Winona, MN	November 02

Thank you for your comments, I really appreciate the critique and your opinions.

And actually, I’m a theatre major…writing is just something I do on the side :)

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“While he stood, drinking in the delicious turquoise,
that broke on the shore where he stood.” – I think that might read better.

The word “echoing” feels out of place, consider dropping it. After that it seems that the piece breaks into a series of environmental descriptions that don’t quite fit together well. Briefly after this, another character is introduced out of thin air, it feels. I’d consider dropping all the “ands” near the end, most of them are filler connectors. A comma would likely do just as well.
  

Wow. That was sexy. I’m just gonna say that. I could see everything in my mind as I read it. I like when that happens. Yay for that. One thing. Your last two lines start with And. I don’t know if I like that. Personally, I’ve always found and to be superfluous, especially in poetry, but that’s just me. Just food for thought.