Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / The Life Of The Kings
Freddie Ebner sat silently as him and his “business partners” waited in his van for the most infamous underground weapons dealer in the entire state of Wisconsin to meet them at a undeveloped trct of woods that often served as a hub for the activities of various criminals and gangs. The harsh reality of the situation was that Freddie’s so called “business partners” were far from the blue collar workers that most would vision as legitimate partners in a successful partnership. In reality, the small time crime group known to the average, hard working, law abiding citizens as the eastside kings, were really no more than petty thieves who only ever so often committed a crime that was serious enough to land hem a spot on the evening news.
Mr. Ebner knew his comrades from way back in his adolescent days and through all the years from there graduations, or from the dates they dropped out, they stayed close and true to each other no matter what kinds of troubles and trials that through the years hassled and changed them. The fellows had started their gang back in there sophomore year of high school and had made a pact that they were going to be true to one another and to serve the kings till there deaths in order to establish a dominant street gang that controlled the streets of there city and brought them wealth and control over a drug market that was steadily growing by the day and night. The group put forth a weak effort always in fear of major incarceration and years passed, the eastside kings never really got the grip they aimed for on the city and grew from a drug network to a more relaxed gang that worked to scam the richer townspeople in order to accumulate a bare minimum income to buy beer and cigarettes.
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You’ve got good background information. But don’t start the story with that. Start it in action. While Freddie Ebner is waiting with his business partners, what are they doing? How do they look to Freddie. Is it day or night? What conversation are they making. Let us readers learn about these people through Freddie while they’re doing what they’re doing. You can enterlace some of the info given, especially in 1st paragraph.
Bottom line, monotony sets in with a whole bunch of info thrown at me. But this story has some solid characters you can build on.
I really liked this said: ...petty thieves who only ever so often committed a crime that was serious enough to land hem a spot on the evening news.
Be careful of overrunning sentences, they’re very long and need to be broken up.
Success to you.
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“Freddie Ebner sat silently as him and his “business partners” waited in his van for the most infamous underground weapons dealer in the entire state of Wisconsin to meet them at a undeveloped trct of woods that often served as a hub for the activities of various criminals and gangs.”
“Freddie Ebner sat silently as he and his “business partners” waited in his van for the mmost infamous underground weapons dealer in the state of Wisconsin to meet them. The undeveloped tract of woods often servedd as a hub for the activities of various criminal gangs.”
That broke up a very run-on sentence and simplified it.
“In reality, the small time crime group known to the average, hard working, law abiding citizens as the eastside kings, were really no more than petty thieves who only ever so often committed a crime that was serious enough to land hem a spot on the evening news.”
In reality, the small time crime group known to the average, law abiding citizens as the Eastside Kings, were really no more than petty thieves who occasionally committed a crim serious enough to land them a spot on the evening news.”
This could be a really good story if you cleaned up the grammar. Shorten up your sentences, check your word usage.
This could be a really good story.
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