Lyrics / My mouth isn't moving

What if I don’t want to get out?????

Anyway…..This is quite insightful. It shows an, ‘awareness’.

“I feel a treason” It as if in dreams the soul speaks, begging us to purge. It can be an arduous task.

Nicely done.

The premise is pretty easy to understand but i feel as if the rythmn is off. The first line “these dreams..” for some reason sound akward to me as if there are one too many words in that line.  also, “get out” used too much. I think you could have came up with a more creative way to say get out in the last line. Maybe once again visit the negative thoughts and tell them to get out in a point blank fashion.  

Though these words are simple, they are complex and foreboding. Get out comes in dreams, paralyzed state, inability to speak, disfunctions, etc. What a nightmare and what a great way to express this.

You do have talent and I liked this, even the rhythm pronounces this desperation. Kudos.

i really like the idea of it – and i think i may be one of the few who actually understands this feeling.  but – you have some probs.  you have grammar and punctuation errors which even for song lyrics need fixed – here’s a few i noticed.

dreames = dreams,

These dreames I have had always said….shouldn’t it be “In these dreams, or about” the grammar isn’t correct.  

Feel safe these dark thoughts in my head – who feels safe – you or the thoughts?  so maybe – feel safe “with” dark thoughts, or dark thoughts feel safe, something to make the distinction

you also misuse myself throughout the poem.  should be I or me.  

punctuation also doesn’t need to appear at the end of every line – especially when in the middle of a thought such as -

got lost in the sound, (no comma)

of silence it speaks so loud.  (btw i love this line)

last thing – Fell into deep, (is this literal, if so i like it -  making “deep” an entity.  or it could also be a typo so jut letting you know)

ok so ive written u a novel!  i love it!  great job – hope to read more soon!

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August 01, 2008

by Corruptedstatic

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Thanks so much for the grammer. As you can see it’s my weakness as a writer. I’m really glad you liked the idea of this piece. I will have a revision up soon with all the corrections. Thanks Again. :)

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hi there,

well i read it and wondered why you didn’t name it “get out”..most people woulda thought that was the title. the question i ask is why you can’t get out, even though someone told you to keep it inside..and what it really is your keeping to yourself..or can’t get out.in general..it’s a good start though..just develope it more….later,,jim

it seems like its lacking a little bit
there is not enough there to actually have it sung in person and have the audience sit there and listen or relate to it and enjoy it

The first three lines are not clear and interfere with the flow of the poem, the pace begins to flow from line four. There is a strong message here about the battle in the mind that the dreamer seems to be having but is unable to speak of maybe because everything is so confusing. this can be a more powerful piece if maybe you add some metaphors to better describe what They do to the dreamer to make her unable to scream or speak or use some alliteration to capture this ex:

a dungeon of demons dancing!
in a cluster of claustrophobic clouds
“I get lost in the sound of silence it speaks so loud