Hehehe!
Well Thank You for whatever that was…your my first :o)
and ummmm…you might want to read more of my pieces they’re not all “gross” at least not from my perspective, hehehe!
THANKS! you really did bring a smile to my face…hehehe!
:o)
Poetry / Thoughts... (Analysis)
Roaches creeping up my leg..
perhaps I better move now.
Its been a while since I’ve been sitting here..
The mold considers me another piece of furniture.
Lice have created gated communities on my head..
in my armpits and other hair filled areas..
I no longer feel the itchiness all over my body..
The walking of spiders all over me…I now invite.
The fleas that jump from body crevice to body crevice…
entertain me.
The rats that come often to nibble on my ears are nice to listen to.
I can’t really hear the flies hoovering around anymore,
the wax build up has covered my drum completely.
The feces and urine in my pants are actually starting to burn a little…
but I’m sure that too will pass.
It’s only a matter of time now…
before my children come and visit me.
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destined2bgreat reviewed Version 2 -
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wow, this is very deep, of course initially the imagery had me itchy and paranoid, my mind told me to stop reading but i couldn’t, that is good writing to scare someone but they don’t stop reading, like a horror flick. What i love about this piece is that it could be metaphor…..or not! These children could actually be so heathen that she is actually been dead for quite some time and her spirit is there hovering over her dead body.
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crstarlette reviewed Version 2 -
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eminemslove85 reviewed Version 2 -
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i read ur poem, that that was so gross about what you wrote. can’t you write something nice about something or like a lover or something? i didnt like any of ur poem.
Ctoyboy3 reviewed Version 2 -
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wow. First this piece was a little discusting, in terms of imagry, though it worked nicely for the message of the poem. Yes one of the worst things in life is how little childern/family come to visit. But, the only thing i don’t understand … has some one died and is waiting for thier body to be discovered or is this all metaphorical?
oneshot92 reviewed Version 2 -
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I’m not sure how I can critique this. You might wanna close the spacing a little. Other than that, I really love this. One question though. Does he live alone, or is he in a nursing home?
MichaelDark reviewed Version 2 -
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Oh my.
OH MY!
My sister was an administrator for a ‘nursing home’. This is disgustingly powerful.
Though with all the ear wax, rats could not be heard.
I am almost horrified to admidt that the visuals were….OH MY!
Nasty.
Sad.
Excellent.
MD.
gbryananderson reviewed Version 2 -
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sadpoet reviewed Version 2 -
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Roaches creeping up my leg..
perhaps I better move now…I’d better move now (I think is corect). I would like to feel what you were feeling when you felt you “better move now”, put that in writing and draw me in.
Lice have created gated communities on my head…very humorous and expansive, it sneaks up and suprises the reader.
A good man is hard to find comes to mind while reading this (I suppose because I am female). Nothing rivals the romance here, almost like decomposition, or at least it should be.
Try to add some graphics, more detail because you sre suspended between two planets; the words and the visuals.
I loved the end, you know, about the children coming to visit. I have to label this piece “alternative”, a bit unusual. Thank you for the opportunity.
drbailey reviewed Version 2 -
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This circus of household pests/parasites and sense of perpetual purgatory strikes an interest for this reader. I thought of my grandfather when I read this story—about how living to see his children and grandchildren seemed to be the only thing for him.
This is definitely a system poem. The body is the overall structure that has become dilapidated, much like architecture, and colonized. I really like that about this.
I have no outright suggestions on change, as it would ruin the quirky sense you have here of time and wear on ones body/nerves.
You could play more, fine tuning it to show this dilapidation further, or keep it this way. One suggestion for change might be to remove some lines and join stanzas. But i’m a minimalist..
Example: Roaches creeping up my legs/ it has been awhile, sitting here/ the mold considers me part of the furniture/
This effectively eliminates an entire line, allowing the pacing to continue onward. But its one suggestion and one that might not work for your vision.
An interesting note, would the mold be angry that you were taking up it’s real estate? Or is it just going to grow over you, as if you are furniture. Either way would be funny, i think. Competition with mold… hah!
I enjoyed this.
D R
prosevengeance reviewed Version 1 -
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I wasn’t so sure I liked this one, until I read the last line. That made the entire thing essentially punch me in the face and give the whole piece a new meaning. If I had to offer advice, I’d say get rid of “If you know what I mean” I think it detracts from the effect. I’d also say change the line about spiders being the only things that will touch you now, since you talk about the rats and lice that also touch you and bite you and jump all over you.
Food for thought. Good luck.
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