well when all the parts are done… you will understand.. add me as a friend or send me a message and I will drop you a line when the next part comes out.
Humor/Satire / The many oddities of BOB. part 1 (Analysis)
“So you wanna play hard ball with me?” Bob said as he straitened his tie “Well you can come at me all day you’ll never get what’s mine” And he turned on the heel of his Armani Shoes and stalked away. Then he turned back and yelled “And you can forget about the squirrles too” Then he looked around. he jumped back a step and starting screaming “Stop flinging your poop at me” and ran away dodging the flying feases
The young woman sat there stairing after him with her jaw hanging slightly open, wondering what the man had been talking about. She had just been sitting here reading her book and he’d come over yelling at me about the bats in his attic and she had just looked at him saying nothing utterly bewildered.
***
Bob opened the door to a loacal mcdonalds the other day and aproached the counter. The pretty young girl behind the counter said
” Welcome to Mcdonalds can I take your order” Bob just looked from side to side and didn’t say a word. She waited for a moment then said “Sir, What can i get for u today?”
“Shhh” Bob said “Their Listening” The girl looked around at the near empty dining room. There was no one with in ear shot.
“Who’s listening” she asked courious
“The Beetles” he said.
She looked at him for a minute “Like John Lennon the Beetles?”
“NO!” he said in a conspirital hush hush manner “There every where, they are crawling all over the earth , making the preperations to take over. I’m telling you, the squirrles know. They told me. They are going to unearth their secret weapon soon, I’ll come back and let you know when.” He said.
The girl trying hard not to laugh said “The squirrles told you?”
“Yeah, They told me that the Beetles are going to take over, and that the chipmonks were forming a resistance against them. I”m goin there now. Come with me, You’ll be safe.” And she lost it she just couldn’t hold the laughter in anymore.
“Your one of them aren’t you?” He yelled and grabbed her hand “He held it up like a microphone and screamed “GET OUT OF HER YOU LITTLE SHITS. I KNOW YOUR IN THERE NOW COME OUT NOW AND FIGHT LIKE MEN INSTEAD OF HIDING LIKE THE COWARDS YOU ARE” Then he looked to his right He took a step back “NOOOOOOO” he yelled covering his head with his arms. The girl looked to the same point where he was staring and saw nothing there. She looked at her boss who had rushed out of the office due to the comotion
“Sir? Are u alright?” her boss asked, steping out from behind the counter
Bob yelled “LOOK OUT” he yelled pointing to a point behind the manager who turned quickly to see what he was talking about “THE MONKEYS ARE BACK!!! THE MONKEYS ARE BACK” He reached back behind him and pulled out a bag filled with what looked like mud “WELL I’M PREPARED FOR YOU THIS TIME” He rolled to the floor action hero style and took cover under a near by table “LOOK OUT LADY” he yelled as a woman obiously frightened, rushed her 2 small children out the door “HA HA CANT’ GET ME UNDER HERE” He said mockingly then he reached his hand into the bag and pulled out a hand full of “mud” and began firing it off in every direction yelling and whooping. The contense of the bag emptied quickly and once he had thrown the last fist full he began to cry “It wasn”t enough” He said over and over. Then he looked back “NOOOO, PLEASE NO MORE” And he scrambled up and headed for the door. Just as he steped out three cop cars pulled into the parking lot, lights flashing, guns ready.
TO BE CONTINUED
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OfTrepidation reviewed Version 1 -
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I have to say that after reading the title as well as the first sentence, I thought I was getting ready for an entertaining read. However, as I continued, I became quite bored. It does not seem that this character has many oddities, but more like one really bad case of un-treated mental ailment. It may be best, to either change the title or add a description. Also, your work on the spelling and grammer could be improved. I think you have potential. Keep working at it.
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TheWind reviewed Version 1 -
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Kaabii203 reviewed Version 1 -
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Geminirose reviewed Version 1 -
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I found it humorous even though there are people out there like that and it isn’t a laughing manner. It was very well written.
AnnelyseRobin reviewed Version 1 -
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I did not find this humorous or satirical at all. To be honest, I don’t really know what the point of this story is—it did not amuse me, inspire me, or teach me a lesson, or intrigue me. If it is a satire on anything, it is a mockery of insane people, which is in poor taste. The problems with conventions (spelling, grammar, etc) did not help my impression.
I am sorry for the harsh review, but perhaps if you thought about some deeper meaning to introduce to your story, or added another character to counterbalance Bob’s craziness (so that your story isn’t just a running narrative of his insane actions), the story would be more effective. I would also like to see more physical details about Bob—for example, you mention his Armani shoes, which is a great detail, and makes me wonder how a man who is obviously not mentally fit to hold a job could afford a pair of Armanis. If you answer these questions in your story (by showing, not telling), it will be much more entertaining.
jenbabe4198 reviewed Version 1 -
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The first two paragraphs are confusing because you’ve jumped striaght into the story. A sentence or to on setting, either for time and place or the set of mind, would help the reader grasp the story better. Also, it’s kind of unrealistic for the police to have their guns drawn before they see Bob. Most likely they would cautiously approach him and try to restrain him without using too much force—he’s crazy; you can’t use too much force with a crazy person. Anywho, Bob seems like an interesting character, but now you have to ask yourself why are you telling us about Bob. It’s not enough to hear about Bob, but tell the reader why it’s important to learn about Bob. Is he really right about the beetles or is he just another crazy man you pass on the street?
Marat reviewed Version 1 -
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i cant wait to hear more from BOB here. Seems to me like bob did a little to much LSD in his day. The only crituqe i would have is to make it more extreme in following stories. Sure poo flinging monkeys and evil beetles with dreams of world domination are fun , idd like to here more from them. I think you have an intresting arc with the underground resistance. I cant wait to hear more .
MichaelDark reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting.
Keep you tenses consistant. Past: ‘Was sitting’, ‘Had walked’. Present: ‘Is sitting (or) Sits’, ‘Walks’.......
Try to avoid starting sentences with ‘And’.....In dialogue you may get away with it.
Decide on a narrative….First person? Third?
Who is telling the story?
The young woman sat there stairing after him with her jaw hanging slightly open, wondering what the man had been talking about. She had just been sitting here reading her book and he’d come over yelling at me about the bats in his attic and *she had just looked at him saying nothing utterly bewildered.
Narrative-First person
also if it will be third,is this ‘teller’ presant? Or just narrating? That issuse also arises in the above passage.
Much work to be done here.
The good news is you have the basis for your story, and a bizzare one it is!!!!
The rest is just grammar, technique, etc…...
I like the use of dialogue within paragraphs. It doesn’t appear that the dialogue is overused either. Feel free to explore ‘paraphrasing’.
With some re-construction this will work.
Cheers!
Gardenia reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t think it is funny to make fun of people with mental problems. Perhaps if you put this in a different category besides humour?
MayaCatherine reviewed Version 1 -
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SO I was intrigued my the overall structure of the piece, the little eccentric tidbits, but it’s not tight enough. I would make the descriptions shorter and take away some of the hallucinations (pick monkeys, or beetles or whatever, but not all of them at once). You manage to portray dialogue and instinctive reaction (laughter) quite well, so keep to that/expand on it because it is your forte.
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