Children's / Herby the Wormy (Analysis)

For a child, this is a very good piece of writing. Sorry but I can’t find anything wrong with it, good luck in future writings.

I liked this overall but think that if you worked on having the same beats per line, that children would be even more attracted to it.

Dear Stranger,
  Sometimes i’ll take a peek at the children’s section because I feel that I picked up a huge portion of my lexicon as a child. That being said, I really like the idea of using the word squirmy in this piece.
  I’m also a visual learner and if you could show an illustration that visually communicates what squirmy means, that would be an excellent learning tool. In fact, it would be cool if every story/poem in your book introduced the idea of a new word. Just like this one does for squirmy.

  Just musing, hope any of this helps.
  D.R.

I think this would work with a name that rhymed with wormy. Hermie? Also, it would be better if you used each rhyme only once.  The first line sounds more like the beginning of a limerick than a kid’s poem.  In fact, with a little play, this could be a limerick….There was once a worm named Hermie
                            Who was always very squirmy,
                            His friends would all say
                            Each and ev’ry day
                            ...............

Whatever you do with it, I think you need to capture the rhyme and check the rhythm. Kids, ever so little, need them both.

Cute. I can see it with illustrations. The only problem I see is in the first 2 sentences. They seem too wordy. I liked this poem though.

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August 04, 2008

by J_Lynn

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
7	100.0% (8 votes)	3.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
29	F	Tampa, FL	October 10

Thanks!  This is originally a little poem I would sort of sing to my daughter while I changed her because she squirms so much, and I think with the tune I sing it to it comes off better then on the page, but oh well, it’s really only meant for her anyway.  Thanks for the review!

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It works for your child but not publishable as is, for the public.  Maybe you should name the worm “Hermie.”  Then the rhymes aren’t a stretch.  It would be a cute illustrated story.

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August 04, 2008

by J_Lynn

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
7	100.0% (8 votes)	3.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
29	F	Tampa, FL	October 10

It actually was Hermie the Wormie, and then for the heck of it I googled Hermie the Wormie and realized that there is actually a story about a catapillar named Hermie and his friend Wormie, so I changed it.  Then I realized I liked Shermie better, but I had already posted it.  Anyway, really it was just something I would say to my daughter whenever I tried to change her because she was so squirmy.  Thanks for the review!

August 04, 2008

by sjvance

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366	65.7% (166 votes)	32.5%

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51	F	United States	November 15

Oh yes.  I like Shermie too.

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