Excellent commentary, J. I’ll definitely keep this in mind when I revise; your comments are useful and focused. You’ve had me re-examine Degas, and yes, you are correct. Degas is realism/impressionism. I may have a few pointed questions for you, once I come back to this piece again. Cheers.
Poetry / The Girl from Sant Joan de les Abadesses (Analysis)
Her green eyes mirror the lime and olive of the Pyrennes
brown curls loosened, tease the dip in her shoulders
and her thin-smile tattoos wordless thoughts, indelible roja.
We met on the Ruta del Ferro
in the cool of the abandoned rail station
where lavender breezes carry ghost trains east.
Beneath grey monastery walls that call out the dead
and the hot clay rooftops of this medieval town,
she rises from a clam-shell basin, afloat on a sea of poppies.
Made up with her best hopes and dreams
she cinches youth tight about her waist,
revealing herself through the thin fabric mesh
of a hot summer day.
.
She’s as changeable as blue clouds in June
as chipper as swallows skimming over the old town square.
She desires only to escape her mundane existence
locked within her palisade of walls and towers
where old men cultivate history from greener pastures,
collected nightly under a full Catalan moon.
I desire only to hold her breasts, feel the soft of her back
trap Spanish rain against her cheeks
and to be a drunkard, filled up with the milk of her.
She pours herself over me, a baptismal summer storm
and in that sweet moment of loss, when we can both escape our bonds
I capture her essence in the wet dew grass
digitize her soul like a pointillated Degas dancer
and in so doing, flypaper her memory to a travelogue
somewhere near the top of the album, as all tourists do:
a postcard souvenir of my Spanish travels.
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crayonmustache reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi! How Beautiful! Nothing can compare to beauty of the heart, God’s living art. And as all is poetry, how can I judge yours? Lines I really enjoy and stick out are, “where lavender breezes carry ghost trains east.” and ”She’s as changeable as blue clouds in June”. Would it be in better context to have “Beneath grey monastery walls that call out the dead” for her to add a splash of color by her hands painting deep wells, or “She desires only to escape her mundane existence” when I can offer another all she desires it is climatical pumpkin sun rocketing ecstatic desire that gives my love, not just escape in another, such powerful words stir deep emotions. A lot of these words I do not understand, but that is my own ignorance. ”a postcard souvenir of my Spanish travels.” -this line to me diminished in some way the feeling, like a trophy from a kill of Santa’s reindeer. It’s love my friend. Your poem takes my heart wandering with longing. Very well written! Keep Writing! I enjoyed it! Thanks for the great read!
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jebozid reviewed Version 1 -
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Pyrénées or Pyrenees are the correct French expression.
I see you used “roja” – I believe “red” in Spanish.
So maybe you should use the Spanish name for the mountains: Pirineos
“Catalan moon” – Catalan refers to language, Catalonian to one belonging to a region, and from the context here, I believe you meant the latter
“when we can both escape our bonds” – I would lose “when” and “can”, I don’t think you need them
I don’t recall Degas using the pointillism technique, care to specify which piece?
and in so doing, flypaper her memory to a travelogue – lose the “and in so doing,”
...of my Spanish travels. – I wouldn’t end the poem with the word “travels”. The final word of a poem carries great strength of imprinting the whole poem into reader’s mind. This poem is about a girl, not traveling. I would suggest ”...of (my/a) Spanish (girl/love/fling/something in that direction)”
I liked the whole poem except the 6th stanza, which seems to be written in a completely different style and mindset. I suggest you consider taking that whole stanza out, it would greatly improve the piece in my opinion.
OK, enough credits spent :) , we can discuss it in the comments later if you want.
Cheers, J.
JessicaBrynJ reviewed Version 1 -
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This has really good imagery. There’s a dot between the fourth and fifth stanzas that i’m not sure is meant to be there. I really liked the way you described the place you met—saying “where lavender breezes carry ghost trains east”
This poem inspires me. I love the whole mood of it. The only thing i think could be changed is when she’s cinching “about” her waist. Maybe say “around” instead. But either works. Good job
eminemslove85 reviewed Version 1 -
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wow!! that was some poem, i really liked how you put so much detell in it. but flypaper? that caught me off gared completey. it didnt really go for me. i think u should take out “flypaper” and put aother word in there. something more pretty. dont get me wrong ur poem is pretty soft and crip and clear and then u come across “flypaper” doesnt do it for me. i would change it and put soemthing else in there. other then that you did a wonderful job. hope all the best to you.
curtis_irion reviewed Version 1 -
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First of all, I like this piece very much. The name of any poem or piece of literature has to be something to catch the eye, and it worked with me, so kudos on that.
Very beautiful imagery in this poem. I really like your use of colors in this poem. For me, they can be the most descriptive of words.
It seemas as if something amazing has arisen from the sea, someon that is cared for greatly. But then there is the change, in stanza five when you state that she is “changeable.” I really like the shift here, or at elast I see it as a shift.
The last few stanzas kind of surprised me as it seems that this beautiful decscriptive poem took on a different note, hard to explain. For me, I would consider changing around some of the wording in the last two stanzas. I just feel that they could have been constructed more delicately.
MayaCatherine reviewed Version 1 -
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This is beautiful, overall. It needs to be tightened around the middle section—perhaps a little less description, a little more movement towards the girl’s desire to escape. That’s my only criticism of the piece, that it rests in the middle section, that it doesn’t move forward. THAT SAID, the imagery is superbly rich and quite lovely. You integrate the locations well and the vivid textures and color, the weather, everything is rich. Favorite lines include ” lavender breezes carry ghost trains east.” and “flypaper her memory to a travelogue somewhere near the top of the album, as all tourists do”. Lovely!
MichaelDark reviewed Version 1 -
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Lime or olive. Both is too much. Multiple adjectives and adverbs weaken each other and that which they are describing.
There are many similies and metaphors here, which I personally like. They were creative and origonal.
Erotic? Yes. Also with one hell of a ‘swerve’ at the end.
Excellent!
MD
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