Poetry / Dementia

Giving in guilt, passing on the shame.
No need to worry I’ve got family to blame.
Who’s incapable and who couldn’t care less,
all thinking that they know what was best.
All put together as part of Gods creation,
born into family’s full of pain and separation.
As children we all took care of each other,
only to grow up and turn on one another.

Brothers and sisters worlds apart,
once a family with love in their heart.
The bond that held this family together,
is now lost to petty arguments forever.
Cracks grew as they siblings reached their teens.
Love drained from those cracks then turned to streams.
Years past and love dried leaving only muddy seams.
It was still there but served no means.
They couldn’t get together without someone being hurt.
Mother passed on her powers to curse and sling dirt.
She crossed her bridges, burning them as she passed.
Thinking she was invincible,her time would last.
Now bed ridden with only a short time to live.
What love she has now she doesn’t know how to give.
So into the mud I jump feet first.
Trying to reach my siblings before the worst.
Give them a chance a one more memory,
to love beyond to painful words, and let see.
Take a chance and please be kind.
Remember dementia has her mind.
Reach out and try to be family once more,
Before the chance is lost forever more.

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Reviews

August 04, 2008

Lin

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
564	64.8% (159 votes)	59.8%

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
68	M	Australia	September 29

Lin reviewed Version 2 - Read 100% of the Item

brief version, hope it’s useful, cheers, lin

Marbles

Mother was invincible
   she cursed slung dirt
   & burnt her bridges
   behind her

As little kids we
   looked after each other
   but after our teens
   we turned one another
& someone always got hurt

Mother is beyond painful words
now she’s lost her memory
& her marbles forever

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August 03, 2008

Caroline24

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
279	84.7% (98 votes)	34.8%

REVIEW QUALITY: 100.0%(1 vote ) personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
53	F	Canada	September 15

Caroline24 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Your message is very clear. Sounds like my first family without the dementia.
You did a very good job of crafting this poem, but it could be great. The rhythm is off in many parts. Here are some examples:
Lines 1-4: good rhythm
Lines 5-8: not bad if you make it a separate stanza. It’s a little clunky. Trim down line 5 a bit if you can.
The “books and TV line” detracts from the flow. You lose the rhyme here also.
You could delete this line and the one before and nothing would be lost. It would tighten the rest.
“Love drained” line: way too long

I won’t do the rest, but you see what I mean? Separate it into stanzas and it will be easier.

You also have a few spelling/punctuation errors:
Line 3: “who’s” should be “who.”
Line 15: “they” should be “the.”
Line 26: “worse” should be “worst.”
Line 27: insert “at” before “one.”
Line 28: not sure at all what you mean.

Please keep working on this. You have some nice metaphors: the mud, streams, drained, all that imagery. Many of us can relate to this and it could be a very meaningful piece. Good luck!