Thanks Curt! How do you manage to be so helpful on such short peices?
You’ve made some great suggestions, and I think present tense would work great here as well. I’ll rpobably toy with revising it.
Flash Fiction / Paul the Internet Guy
Paul was a lonely guy. He suffered from a social anxiety disorder and rarely left his home. Only necessities could force him from his safe haven: the internet. He could be anyone he wanted to be by simply creating attractive avatars that looked the way he wanted to look. In this world, he could talk to anyone. Even girls; and they were very interested in him, too.
Why wouldn’t they be? He was damn good-looking in this graphically created world, and it became increasingly more real to him. He was a rock star in this world, and all the beautiful, virtual women attired in the same red dress were interested in going to his room.
He enjoyed virtual life, and all of the attention. One girl in particular kept coming around. It wasn’t a good time to fall in love, but it happened. He only wanted her. It wasn’t long before Sherry wanted his phone number and gave him her address so that he could take her on a real date.
The date was awkward, but Sherry remained polite. She tried to let him go at her door, but Paul became more persuasive and finally got through the door. They even dated for a couple of weeks, but things had gone rotten, as they so often do. She was still there all the time, but he was trying to avoid her as much as he could.
Paul’s interest had turned to another girl, Cindy, who seemed really eager to meet him. To his surprise, she wanted to stay at his house for a weekend. She trusted him, and said she would sleep in his guest room and could use the vacation.
Now, he had to completely end things with Sherry. Avoiding her wouldn’t work anymore. He was bringing his new girlfriend home and needed to sever all ties. Still, one last fling was an idea he fantasized about. But he couldn’t do it; it would be more of a mess than it was worth. Women tended to become very clingy after a time.
Sherry sat silently in the basement after he gave her the news and Paul paced the living room, waiting for her to chill out. When enough time lapsed, he rejoined her but she remained quiet.
“It really is for the best, babe.” He reached out and stroked her pitted cheek. She was really putrid; enough that he had to worry about her attracting attention. That would be just like her to cause trouble at the very end. She was finally completely defrosted, for the eighteenth time.
He kissed the back of her hand, considering his final fling fantasy. A slimy substance oozed from her hand to his lips and he knew he couldn’t do it. Women really were too clingy sometimes.
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drbailey reviewed Version 1 -
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Hey, DC.
You have a lot to say in this piece, and the pacing is so quick, I feel like it stumbles on itself. The reason I say this is because a lot of going on, sometimes in a quick paragraph.
An example: I was really interested in knowing what strange things Paul might do while on a date, having social anxiety disorder. Not only is this important to the story, it gives a chance to add humor and keep the readers attention.
Another example: Why doesn’t Sherry like him? Does he do something disgusting or act immature? Maybe too shy?
The last paragraph is really interesting. The way he goes to kiss the hand and it oozes. The whole idea of her going ‘bad’ or expiring and being putrid is very interesting, I just want to know why hes being like this all of a sudden.
Finally, I think we go inside the head of two characters instead of the normal one. In other words, we know what Paul is thinking while at the same time we know what Sherry thinks about not being able to get rid of him and wanting to.
Looking forward to seeing your revision! Enjoyed reading this. Hope something here helped.
Stay Cool,
D.R.
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Curtastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
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Aargh!! Disgustingly-grotesque. Seriously, that’s sick . . .
OK, I’ve been on this kick lately about writing short pieces in the present tense. I think it would work really well here. “Paul’s a lonely guy. He suffers from a . . .”
Suggestion: “Only necessities…from his internet safe haven: Beer, TV dinners, and cheap cigarettes.”
Also: ”...world, he could talk to anyone—even girls. They were…” OR ”...anyone; even girls. They…” Alas, I’m not a professional proofreader, but I think this is correct.
”...but things had gone rotten…” Ah, didn’t catch that until the second time. Nice. “She was still there all the time…” Nice nice.
”...more of a mess than it was worth.” Haha!
I’d suggest, ”...after Paul gave her the news. He paced…”
her attracting attention. / attracting flies. —This might be revealing it too soon though.
Perhaps in the end, if you want to go for more shock value, “He kissed her forehead gently, considering… A clear fluid ran from her sagging eyeball…” Or something like that. Of course, it might be too graphic, but if that’s what you’re going for, I think that blood/fluid/milky-white substance dripping from some face orifice or even wound on her head would really smack the reader.
Sick. Twisted. A fun read. Good work.
-Curt
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