i really enyoy recieving critique from you are you a educator of some sort? it really doesn’t matter, you are insightful, intelligent and have great communication skills! thank you so much you are a genius at this and should get paid for it if you don’t already. but still do urbis though don’t leave us.
Poetry / Ver-bitch
standing at the epicenter
as if on a merry go round,
Maybe i should go check the lost and found.
I asked for help, hmm, all the bobbleheads still
now.
mouth still running like nikes and dirt bikes,
all flash no cash,
“you should of told us yesterday”
empty promises about return calls.
Threats of “I told you so” from know it alls.
Reminders of the excess blog-bage that they sent, but they were “intended” as encouragment,
nothing but forwarded, from mouse potatoes i never met.
Showing up at my door with fresh weave
and a handful of brand-name-lyings.
talking bout “I was worried about you”
what’s this feeling I’m getting? Oh it’s deja-moo
watch where you step, there’s some deja-poo.
and him-bo, oh no!
below zero, prepaid visa been swiped out!
pumped up like Barry Bonds—
i must have been struck by temporary insanity
he aint nobody but his other gurl’s manny.
My mother warned me, she told me so,
but i just….dial it back some cus’ now i know.
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Jollybob reviewed Version 4 -
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Your use of childlike imagery and language serves to create a sort of innocence that I really think works for this piece. The emotions of playground joy flowed through me when I read this and I personally believe that this definatly something that could get published depending on where it’s sent.
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youngwriter92 reviewed Version 4 -
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I really like your imagery you did a good job of that your structure of your poem is good. I like it.
drbailey reviewed Version 4 -
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Dear Stranger:
This piece had a sort of carnival madness to it. If you’ve ever seen 12 Monkeys and listened to the musical score, you’d understand what I mean. The first few stanzas really reminded me of this, then near the end, I felt like you broke into hip hop poetry in a way.
My favorite lines that I think work well:
Lines 1-3, Stanza 1
Lines 1-3, Stanza 4
The actual storyline is a little harder to understand. I think this is because of the dizzy feeling the poem inspires. Inspiring this feeling, however, is in my opinion a success. I feel as though someone is very confused over someone else, and often times this is how relationships function.
I hope any of these observations help in some way. If you want to know anything more specific, please let me know and I will add to this review in the comments.
Stay Cool,
D.R.
PenelopeMV reviewed Version 4 -
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Beginning is not clear-and that’s where you need to set the stage. By the end of the poem, I did get that he ws a no good so and so. Maybe try the last stanza first.
GreenIguana reviewed Version 3 -
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I think this is fun and just needs a little work:
why “as if” on a merry go round? drop “as if on” just say “of a merry go round.”
it’s you “should’ve” it’s a contraction, not “should of.”
drop “but they were” just say “intended as encouragement.”
“deja moo” and “mouse potatoes” sound interesting but they are very obscure as metaphors. I don’t know what you’re referring to.
I especially like stanza #5.
KarmaSutra reviewed Version 3 -
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It’s nice and keeps it’s uniqueness intact throughout which is a rarity in poetry today.
Lin reviewed Version 3 -
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You have a good ear for language & great potential too. I suggest that you cut & paste this piece. Change the order around & perhaps try a few substitutions. cheers, lin
lilceresita23 reviewed Version 3 -
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I LOVED IT!
very energetic…
very urban “SOUNDING”
it was just good!
I love your made up words and use of them…
Its different..its new…its HELLA COOL!
I enjoyed it very much..
Thank You for sharing..
You just made a new fan
:o)
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Version 3
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| Version 4 |
| Version 3 | Version 2 (Deleted) | Version 1 (Deleted) |