Okay, thanks. I know I changed tense, I kept trying to catch those, but you know how it is when you try to edit early on. I will go back and change a few things and do a new version. Thanks again.
Horror / Journey to Salvation
Prologue
The stench of sulfur is overwhelming. I need to throw up, but I can’t take a chance of movement or sound in the darkness. My mind screams prayers for a savior in a moment that I am sure will lead to my death. The thing had stalked me for days. It had become increasingly braver with each attempt to reach me. I knew that this encounter was inevitable, but that did not stop the shock and panic I am feeling.
My hands are feeling their way along the wall, trying desperately to find a way out of the church basement. The air is heavy and freezing cold. I have to make a conscious effort not to breathe too loudly as my lungs struggle for air. There goes the sound again, like animal hooves, taking steps toward me. How does it know when I move? I try to move as soundlessly as possible, inching my way farther along the wall. The thing moves with me. I know I will never be allowed to make it up the old cement steps that lead to the church sanctuary. It would never enter there and it is my only hope of staying alive.
I try once more to get to the stairway. I take two steps and then stop to listen, but the thing does not follow. Two more steps, and I hear no hoof sounds. I dare to take one more step, and my hand slides off the wall into nothingness; the open door that leads to the stairway! Maybe the thing is lost in the darkness; maybe it will not find its way to me. After feeling my way in the darkness of the room for what seemed like an hour, my foot strikes the stairway and I slam down hard onto the cement steps. Immediate pain signals that I have injured my knee and I feel the warm liquid of blood streaming down my face. Get up! Get out!
An unearthly scream erupts behind me and I feel an icy hand grab my hair. My head is jerked back and I am yanked to my feet. The smell was horrific. I feel the force of the beast as I am thrown up against a wall across the room. I attempt to pull myself up, I have to get away, I have to run. Finally, on my hands and knees, I begin to crawl to where I thought the stairway had been. The hoof noise was very close, right beside me now. I turned in the darkness and a scream broke from my throat. Two blood red eyes were face to face with me; I felt an icy hand encircle my throat.
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DC_Karma reviewed Version 1 -
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’...but I can’t take a chance of movement…’ I think if you rehrased this, it might bring us to the point. As it is, it reads a bit awkward, IMO. Perhaps, ’...but can’t chance movement or…’ This must be a tense situation. Short and impactful sentences will work well in these types of scenarios (again, IMO).
‘It had become…’ Same here, ‘It became’ I have a real issue with ‘had’ and ‘had been’ both of which seem to slow the movement of the scene and can usually be completely omitted. In the case of ‘had been’, ‘was’ often tends to replace it much more effectively.
’...and panic I am feeling.’ You have shifted tenses here, ’...and panic I was feeling’ or ’...panic I felt’
Actually, the story is in past tense up until the previously mentioned passage and then it completely shifts, mid-sentence, to present tense.
‘I have to make a conscious…’ maybe, ‘I make a conscious effort…’ because a conscious effort would require you to ‘have to’ make it.
‘There goes the sound again…’ where did it go? Maybe consider trying something like, ‘There’s the…’ or ‘There’s…’
‘…and I slam down hard onto the cement steps…’ I think you could elaborate a bit more here. A bit more detail to the fall. I wasn’t quit sure they fell at first. I just thought their foot slammed hard onto the concrete as they began to run fast. So the bloody face caught me ajar. Bring us into the action, make us feel the pain as a face (or head) gets ripped on concrete. Keep us in the rushed, panicked state that the narrator is in, while not leaving out incurred injuries. They do play an important role in visuals. Which knee hurts? Will they be able to ascend the stairs? A lot of rushed thoughts would be going through the brain at an erratic pace. While you do a great job of giving atmosphere and setting, I think mood and visual (I know it’s dark, but I mean a visual of what the character is going through mentally {ie: showing}).
The last paragraph is back to tense shifting.
Oooh! The monster got them; from behind…nice.
Thrown against a wall? Hard? That must have hurt. How did it feel. Which side hit?
It’s good and creepy. The protagonists has left us to assume they are dead. I feel that this story could be made a bit longer, not much, just enough to elaborate more on the thoughts and things happening to the protag. It will help the reader care more about the character and what happens to them. Without the intensity of the situation being reiterated to us by a narrator, we should get a feel of that character. I don’t even have a visual of a male or a female. Perhaps that was intentional, and is perfectly acceptable, but I feel that adding something extra, besides the character being delivered to us in a dire situation, the only purpose they serve is monster food for horror fans…I’d like to be more interested in the character and would love to see this upon revision! Good luck, it was a fun read
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Static reviewed Version 1 -
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Ok, let me start off by saying that this piece managed to hold my interest so its not a bad piece. However, it has plenty room for improvement. To start off with, I’m not a big fan of the tense you use (present tense is always hard to pull off without making the story sound artificial; it distances the reader when you want to be drawing them into the story, making them a part of it). That aside, you also dont always stick to the same tense which is something you need to watch out for as it will instantly again distance the reader from the story (“The smell was horrific.”).
“It had become increasingly braver with each attempt to reach me.” sounds off. I would probably change this to something like “With each attempt to reach me, it had become braver” or something along those lines. Although, I dont think “brave” is the right adjective. I think the word you’re looking for is “bold”.
There were a couple more errors that I’m sure you will be able to pick up with a bit of proof-reading. You also need to make sure to pay attention to tense; you change tense regularly. A couple last suggestions: Have the narrator call the beast something other than “the thing” (once or twice is ok, but too much more than that just sounds like laziness on your part for not giving the creature a name), and write more; this needs to be longer.
All in all though, good work!
SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 -
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This was entertaining. I’d read more. You could use a little more description. How big is the church basement? Are there any sounds other than the person’s breathing or the hoof steps? Why is it so dark? Are there no windows in the basement or is it night? Is this a deserted church? Are other’s around? It there nothing along the wall as the person inches their way along?
“I need to throw up” Why? Because of the smell? Out of fear? Why?
“My hands are feeling their” feel their
“blood streaming down my face.” If it’s knee that injured, why is blood streaming down the face?
“The smell was” is
“The hoof noise was” is
“I felt an icy” I feel
thepastinfuture reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s scary, you’ve generally made it easy to picture the scene, the blackness, the fear, focusing on each and every breath. The visceral fear welling up inside your character, that’s very good. This whole piece needs to be expanded though (even though just a prologue). I lost the movements of the character when s/he fell and hurt their knee and head, that’s a bit unclear, I couldn’t picture the movement, the landscape that lead to the particular injury. In such a stark setting, and using a voice focused on the tiniest things, it needs to be crystal clear, the more clear the more fear.
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