Thank you.
Poetry / Torn and Tattered
Torn and Tattered
Effortless we are in our individual magnificence
Awaiting judgement of earned insignificance
Trapped within the magic, we’re doomed to believe
Crumbs sifted into tattered hearts are all we seem to leave
Pages and pages of spirit and soul, lines are filled
Upon a slumbered mind only self will be healed
How can some even begin to try to comprehend
tortuous messages trapped deep within skin?
One who is many, yet united is none and alone
Closed minds control us as we vomit up bone
Bone is the core, the foundation of all
Without the bone we don’t rise, we fall
Some message is here, the subject, if it mattered
How far can these hearts be torn and tattered?
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
Johnsienoel reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
There is greater clarity that overall publishability at this point. I gleaned this is about artists and their struggles with judgement and expressing oneself…at least that is my reading of it
There are lines that work very well – they have nice visual appeal and their message is clear:
Awaiting judgement of earned insignificance
Upon a slumbered mind only self will be healed
tortuous messages trapped deep within skin?
There are other lines that do not make sense – I think it is because rhyme is being forced or the metaphor is undefined:
V1 – crumbs of what? magically trapped by what? doomed to believe what?
V3 – I don’t understand the ‘vomit up bone’
Each verse gets weighed down by wordiness and could use some editing – here is just a general example as food for thought:
Effortless individual magnificence
judgement awaits earned insignificance
magically trapped, doomed to believe
tattered hearts, crumbs sifted, all that we leave…
- add/view comments (1)
Dexus reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Excellent. Well said!
“How can some even begin to try to comprehend”—this line seems a little forced. The words “some” and “try” take away from the power and certainty of the line. Try is an illusion. We either do or we don’t. Even if we “try” we are doing…simply attempting something is action, therefore doing. Perhaps change “some” to they or we, or define the “some” in a previous line?
The rest flows wonderfully, and anyone who’s ever loved, even under the illusion of love, and felt pain, even under the illusion of pain, can relate.
Good job!
jadedpoet reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Hi there,
It’s funny, when ever I rate the clarity of a poem, I tend to grin. It makes me think of all the others who may cross paths with this piece and just how much sense it truly makes to them. Anyhow, that said, I gotta say this, in stanza one, the line about the crumbs is absolutly incredible. I adore how your mind is wired. What a great piece to be proud of. I just hope others ‘get it’. me…
Joel_Mitt reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I’m giving you high marks on the first stanza alone. I think it could stand by itself. The rest of this piece seems to loose its punch little by little, line by line.
Charley_Groth reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Very deep poem. The first and last lines are like anti-statements to each other. And the words in between work to reconcile them. You have a knack for describing the human condition. The image of the torn hearts is great but I’d like it to stand out even more if possible. They are such a nice metaphor for our possibly pointless sufferings and “good deeds” I think that you can take this poem farther, really getting to the “heart” of the paradox that is our magnificence/insignificance. Keep Going
Charley
MichaelDark reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
It would seem that this is written from a ‘Universal’ perspective. I relate.
“One who is many, yet united is none and alone”.
To me this speaks volumes. We is ME. Yet until we all reach this awareness, we in essence remain ‘alone’.
Again, I am no poet but I I thought, though ‘deep’ it was a clear and easy read.
Nice choice of words: magnificence , tortuous, tattered…...
This spoke to me, as do you.
Cheers!
guild reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I enjoyed this poem, because I can relate to it.
Even though some people won’t comprehend a lot of what we’re trying to convey, we have to stand on what we write from our hearts. A strong backbone is needed to hold us up through all of our let downs in trying to be a writer of any kind.
How far can hearts be torn and tattered? Only as much as they allow it to happen.
Go over this for punctuation and it will be awesome.
God bless & take care..
supra_speed reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
very interesting piece you have here
you seem to touch basis on a strictly dark note here and i like how the aura of your writing just radiates the ‘darkness’
personally i could care less for ryhming, its too much like a song that will get overlooked when the author knows theres something deeper.
S1 L3, the whole line doesn’t fit with the stanza, and the question that came to me about it was ‘what magic, and why believe it’ for me its just out of place with the rest of the piece.
S3 L2, I think that if you dropped ‘control’ and used ‘use’ it would give a better feel ‘not being in control’ since the whole stanza brought that thought to me.
I also think if you dropped some words you didn’t need like S1 L1, ‘we are’, S2 L3, ’ try to’, S3 L4, change ‘don’t’ to ‘do not’ (i think it would grip the reader more) this piece would have a more ‘poetic’ feel to it.
other than that, i think you did a good job writing out this thought, write on.
eminemslove85 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
i read ur poem i thought it was ok, i didnt really get it, it was hard to read, i think it needs to flow alot more then it did but i think other then that it was ok. put the lines like poem lines does that help? i also think u are forgetting the commans and periods and whatnot. good luck hope all this helped
Showing 1 - 9 of 9
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
9 Reviews 11 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: about 1 month ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 101 Times
Skipped: 17 Times
Ratings & Rankings
