Journal, Diary, & Blogging / 8-4-08

Okay, so I’ll start off by what is driving me to write this right now.

For the last few years I’ve had a heart murmur problem…I really small one, but one nonetheless. Every once in a while my heart would speed up really fast and then slow down…it is really scary when it happens to me… it hurts. But for a long time it didn’t happen. And it just did. And it was worse than ever. I screamed.

And I after my pulse calmed down a little and I allowed myself to think, the only reason I could think of why it was so bad seemed irrational.

I did some research. It turns out that I was right…heart murmurs can actually be triggered by increased stress and therefore bloodflow…in other words, if you are having a total mental breakdown…well, that could trigger one.

Luckly no one was home because I didn’t feel like explaining any of this to anyone who would have heard me scream.

I had just found out that He was really down…and things weren’t working out. This should have made me feel better…but I cared about his happiness…and not the mention the fact that he made a lot of suicidal references… that did it. I snapped.

Well, I was laying down in my room. Music was playing. I was pretty fetal, thinking about everything…about him. Taking in everything wasn’t easy. I didn’t want to do it but my body was forcing me into worry-mode. I think as some kind of weird protective reflex after what he said.

My mind was racing, the whole in my body was eating away…and then I was crying and suddenly the music was too loud…the bass in the song I had been listening to was suddenly bothering me. And then it just happened. There was no build up…my heart just felt like it burst at random. It hurt…so bad… I screamed. It was only a second of my time but there was enough pain there for much longer….

I know it sounds…like I’m exaggerating. But I’m really not. You have to believe me..I KNOW what happened. And I’m still lightheaded. Walking helps…but I’m permanently getting a headrush constantly…I can’t even tell you how bad it hurt.

But anyway, I’m still recovering. Every noise is sending my heart racing again…I just want silence and solitude…I need to think CALMLY and RATIONALLY. Seriously you know you are messed up when thinking about your life makes your heart fail. This sucks.

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