“On the contrary, it is you that don’t want to get on my bad side.”—you who doesn’t want to, unless that terminology is part of her character. We haven’t read much about Martika or much with her speaking anyway so maybe I just don’t quite have a full grasp of how her speech would form and how it would sound.” Martika didn’t say that line, Lauriana did. I reread it, it seems clear to me.
“I didn’t believe a word the woman said since the first moment she opened her mouth, except that she wanted Mikell.” —This makes it sound like Ash was there.” No, Ash didn’t great Martika, but she did spend the afternoon with her and Zeke in the Great Hall, but I don’t believe I was clear about that. I’ll have to go back and fix it
“Mikell agrees to go with her to the mountain pretty quickly. Isn’t he worried for her safety? Does he think it wise that they go without the whole party to meet The Master?” When Mikell says “to the mountains we go.” He means we as in the whole party, not by themselves.
“They’d been traveling for a month and still couldn’t find the cave”—in the other chapter, didn’t they only have something like 3 weeks before they had to set out on their quest?” There was never a set time, but they figured they shouldn’t spend any more time than a month training before they leave. Other deadlines will be revealed later.
I’m glad your enjoying the story. As always, thanks for the careful and helpful review.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Into The Master's Lair - Chapter Twelve and Recap (Analysis)
Chapter Twelve
-1-
Lauriana dressed quickly hoping to slip out of the room before Mikell woke up. Just a few more seconds and she’d be home free, just one more boot to slip on….
“Why are you up so early and just where do you think you are going?”
She spun around at the sound of his voice. “I have a few words for that woman before she leaves.”
Mikell’s jaw tightened. “I do not want you anywhere near Martika.”
“I’m sure I gave her the wrong impression yesterday. I just want to make it clear to her who she’s dealing with.”
He sprang out of bed and grabbed his leather pants. “If you’ll not change your mind then I’m going with you.”
She turned away from him. “I can handle this myself.”
“The only way I’ll let you out of this room is if I’m with you.” He stepped between her and the door as he pulled on his shirt.
“Just how do you intend to stop me?”
Mikell’s eyes bore into her. His jaw clenched and his face twitched. “If I have to physically restrain you, I will.”
“Fine.”
-2-
The fifty-foot black gate never failed to make him feel insignificant. Mikell could see the gate long before he reached the end of the path. The vile woman stood between Sledge and Marcus, waiting for Zeke to finish opening the locks. He wished he could have convinced Lauriana to stay in her room. Nothing good could come from talking to that woman. He didn’t even want to think her name.
A stone crunched underneath Mikell’s boot. Martika turned around and a smirk spread across her face. She tried to step toward him, but Marcus’s hand clamped down on her arm. She winced in pain as she struggled to get her arm free. Her face filled with rage. She composed herself and the smirk returned.
“How nice of you to bring your little strumpet to see me off.”
Mikell’s temper flared. His eyes turned deadly. “I’m warning you, Martika, watch your tongue. I can assure you that if I had gotten my way, I’d still be ‘in bed’ with Lauriana. It was her idea to see you off.”
Martika winced. “What does she want?”
Mikell opened his mouth to speak but Lauriana put her hand up to stop him. “Let me handle this.” He stepped back doing his best to keep hold of his temper.
“First of all,” Lauriana smiled sweetly, “I’m not a low-classed strumpet. But I wouldn’t expect a highfalutin, conniving, sour old bitch like you to know that.”
“Listen to me,” Martika ripped her arm away from Marcus, “you do not want to get on my bad side—”
“On the contrary, it is you that don’t want to get on my bad side. Oh, that’s right you already are.” Before she could stop herself, Lauriana drew her arm back and punched Martika in the nose. She crumpled and fell to the ground. “Now, you listen to me. I do not want to see you near Mikell again or I can assure you that whatever he has threatened to do to you, what I will do to you, will be ten times worse.” She turned and left, leaving Martika on the ground speechless. Mikell followed her.
He shook his head. “I can’t believe you punched her.”
“I’m surprised myself. I’ve never hit anyone before.” She gave a shaky laugh. “I didn’t intend to resort to physical violence. But when I saw that smirk on her face, well, I just had to wipe it off. It made me so furious.” She shook her hand and winced. “She has a hard head.”
“Relax. You can calm down now. I don’t think we’ll ever see her again. Let’s go back to our room.” Relieved the confrontation was over, Mikell put his arm around Lauriana and pulled her close as they walked.
-3-
Mikell left Lauriana with Dagreth for her morning training and went for a walk. Something in the back of his mind nagged at him. He decided to seek out the wizard and speak with him. He knocked on the door and entered Zeke’s study. Ash sat behind the desk bent over a book, her hair cascading around her like a shroud.
“If you be looking for the wizard, he be in the Rose Garden,” Ash said without looking up.
Mikell turned to leave and then turned back. “Ash, did I do something to offend you?”
She broke her gaze from the book. “Why would you ask that?”
Mikell shifted his feet uncomfortably. Ash’s raptor gaze was enough to unnerve anyone. “You seem not pleased when I’m in your presence.”
“It not be you, boy. I be concerned about the prophecy.”
“You have a problem with me being with Lauriana?”
“No,” she shook her head, “I know enough of the prophecy to know that you two must be together. What I do not know be how it will play out. Keep a close eye on her. I fear that she may be in grave danger. I am afraid the danger may come from unexpected corners.”
“I will protect her until my last breath.”
“I know you will, I just hope it be enough.” Ash went back to her book and seemed oblivious to the fact the Mikell was still there. He took that as his cue to leave and went to find the wizard.
-4-
Zeke walked through his garden deep in thought. One of the main reasons he had built the Rose Garden was to give him a place to think. Nature helped him to focus his mind. He found himself here more often as of late. Things were happening too fast. He had not anticipated how fast. He paused when he saw the boy headed his way. He had been expecting him.
“Zeke, can I speak with you?”
“Something troubling you, my boy?”
He nodded. “I’ve been thinking, and it just seems too much of a coincident. First, there was an assassin here to kill Lauriana, then all the training accidents with her brothers and cousins and then Martika shows up out of the blue. All of this happened in such a short time.”
“I have been thinking the same.”
“Do you know what it means? Could Martika be involved with whoever sent the assassin?”
“I don’t know for sure.” Zeke stroked his beard. “Martika’s up to something. She had other reasons for being here besides taking you back with her.”
Mikell nodded. His eyes filled with worry. “She knew I wouldn’t marry her. I find this all disturbing. Ash just told me that she thought Lauriana was in grave danger and to keep a close eye on her.”
“Are you going to tell Lauriana of our suspicions?” Zeke asked.
“No.” He shook his head. “She’s been upset enough lately. I don’t want her worrying about some threat when we have no idea what or where it could be coming from. At this point, we can’t even be sure it’s coming.”
“I will continue to think on it and consult with Ash. Perhaps I can discover something that we’ve missed.”
“Thanks, Zeke.”
“No need to thank me, my boy. I have grown attached to that girl. I guess I don’t need to tell you that she’s irresistible. I can’t help but like her.”
-5-
Typical, Zeke had been standing in front of the old sorceress for nearly half an hour and she had yet to acknowledge his presence. After he cleared his throat and repeated the question three times, Ash closed the book she was reading, looked at the wizard, and frowned. “Martika Ravensdale had the aura of one who has sold her soul to the Lord of the Underworld.”
Zeke nodded and sat next to the desk. “It would appear the girl is in more danger than we first thought.”
“I didn’t believe a word the woman said since the first moment she opened her mouth, except that she wanted Mikell.”
“I will tell Mikell what you saw, but I think it is best Lauriana does not know for now.”
“It never be a good idea to keep secrets, wizard.”
Zeke didn’t like keeping secrets from the girl, either. He hoped they could keep her safe at least until the time she had to face The Master. What was going to happen was going to happen. Having her worry about it didn’t seem right to him. Mikell didn’t want her to know. He did not want to risk Mikell leaving with her without the others. That part of the prophecy was clear. If they were going to have their best chance for success, they needed all the party members.
-6-
The rest of the week went by in a blur. The party trained hard each day and returned to the hall exhausted at night. Mikell tried to be near her at all times. She was suspicious and suspected that he was keeping something from her. If he was, she figured he had a good reason.
For the fourth night in a row week, Lauriana dreamed about The Master. The dream was always the same. She’d find a cave in the mountains. The Master was always there to greet her. She couldn’t get the dream off her mind. She decided to tell Mikell and see what he thought. She sat at a small dressing table and brushed her hair as she talked. When she finished relating the dream, she turned and looked at him.
“What do you think? Does it sound like the same place you met The Master?”
Mikell nodded. “It does.”
She finished brushing her hair and tied it back. “Do you think you could find the cave again?”
“Yes, why?”
“I think we’re supposed to start looking for The Master in that cave. I must be having this dream for a reason and I don’t think it’ll stop until I go there. The Master could be hiding anywhere. We might as well start with someplace we know for certain that he has been.”
“So be it. To the mountains we go.”
“I’ll tell the others at dinner.” Lauriana stood up, put her arms around his waist, and laid her head on his chest. “I hate to leave here. I’ve grown to love our training sessions in your garden.”
Mikell grinned and stroked her hair. “The garden will be waiting for us when we get back.”
She swallowed. “Don’t you mean if we get back?”
“No.” He tightened his arms around her. “I mean, when we get back.”
-7-
Lauriana groaned as she rolled over. They’d been traveling for a month and still couldn’t find the cave. Her body ached from riding horseback and sleeping on pine boughs. She reached out. Her eyes popped open when her hand touched an empty space. The ground was cold. Mikell was gone and so was his pack. She grabbed her cloak and rushed outside the shelter. The camp was deserted.
She searched the area and called out. No one answered. Her heart hammered in her chest.
“You are alone now Lauriana,” a voice hissed. “No one can help you. You will never see the ranger again. He can’t protect you.”
She whirled around. A man blocked the path to her shelter. His smile sickened her.
“You might as will give up now. You can’t escape from me. You are mine now.”
She stared at the man towering over her. His flawlessly chiseled bone structure would have made him handsome if it weren’t for his eyes. His black eyes filled her with dread and chilled her to the bone. Even though he didn’t look like the man from her dreams, she knew he was The Master.
“How do you know my name?”
“I make it a point to know the names of all my brides before we become intimate.”
“I would never marry you. What have you done with Mikell? With the others?” Her eyes darted about the clearing looking for any sign of the party.
“I didn’t do anything with them. I didn’t have to. They left you. They were never loyal to you. They tired of your struggling and left you here. Let me assure you that you will marry me, and one way or another I will have you.” The Master reached out to grab her breast.
She jumped out of his reach. “Stay back. I could never be with someone as evil as you.”
He threw his head back and laughed a hollow and soulless laugh. Lauriana shivered. He grinned at her. “I’m no more evil than you.”
“What are you talking about?”
He shrugged. “What else would you call a woman who expresses her undying love to one man and then just a month later lies with another? Tell me, how long until you tire of the ranger and break his heart too, leaving him a pathetic shell of his formally already pathetic self?”
The words cut right through her. Part of her knew they were true. “How do you know any of this?”
“You’d be surprised by what I know. I’ve made it a point to learn all about you.”
She could barely stand to keep his gaze. She frantically searched her mind for an escape. The Master took a step toward her. “Why don’t you make it easier on everyone and come with me now.”
She bolted. The Master’s hand flew out with lightning speed. He caught her by the arm and pulled her to him. The touch of his hand burned her flesh. He pressed his mouth against hers. His breath smelled of decayed meat. Lauriana screamed.
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After three chapters of this story, I have to say that it reads a bit like a soap opera. Lots of rich dialogue and interaction, but not a whole lot of action. Maybe it’s the guy in me, but a little mortal terror would spice things up.
Comments from earlier critiques apply here. Good, but heavy dialogue. Repetitive sentence structure.
it is you that don’t want…—“doesn’t want”
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Moving along nicely. I feel the quest coming up soon :)
“On the contrary, it is you that don’t want to get on my bad side.”—you who doesn’t want to, unless that terminology is part of her character. We haven’t read much about Martika or much with her speaking anyway, so maybe I just don’t quite have a full grasp of how her speech would form and how it would sound.
”...or I can assure you that whatever he has threatened to do to you, what I will do to you, will be ten times worse.”—A little awkward. Rephrase or break it into 2 sentences :)
I love the scene with Lauriana and Martika. Well done, Lauriana! ;p
”...worrying about some threat when we have no idea what or where it could be coming from…”—I wouldn’t say no idea, they have suspicions don’t they?
“I didn’t believe a word the woman said since the first moment she opened her mouth, except that she wanted Mikell.” —This makes it sound like Ash was there. This is Ash speaking, isn’t it? Zeke is the one who greeted Martika. You could add Ash into the greeting in the other chapter, or a scene at least where she could be in the position to believe or not believe Martika’s words, or rephrase this sentence. You could even omit it, since Zeke (I believe?) showed us earlier that he suspected alterior motives and didn’t trust Martika’s word.
“For the fourth night in a row week, Lauriana dreamed about The Master.”—Typo?
Mikell agrees to go with her to the mountain pretty quickly. Isn’t he worried for her safety? Does he think it wise that they go without the whole party to meet The Master?
“They’d been traveling for a month and still couldn’t find the cave”—in the other chapter, didn’t they only have something like 3 weeks before they had to set out on their quest?
Right now I’m thinking that -7- is a dream. If not, it just seems to jump ahead very quickly. I’m not quite sure how to feel about that, but something tells me everything will become clear when I go on with the next chapter.
I hope I have time to read the next chapter soon, because I really want to know what’s going on!!! :)
I love the premise and the clarity, I enjoyed this thoroughly
coincident.p4 misspelled.
Great characters. I don’t know what to say. I need to think about this one for a while…I do like it. Dialogue flows naturally. I would like more descriptive writing. I have not read the other installments- and may have to:~. Good luck with your task.
Once again you’ve got an eye-poppin’, page turning, engrossing story. Most excellent.
“If you’ll not change your mind, then… (insert comma)
I liked the part when Mikell’s jaw clenched and face twitched. Excellent show of his vexation. Yep, If I were Lauriana, I’d say , “Fine,” too.
Lauriana dressed quickly, hoping to… (insert comma)
Perhaps, I can discover… (insert comma)
...repeated the question three times… (Let Zeke ask the question in dialog, then add the narrative. We need to know the question. Thanks.)
fourth night in a row that week… (insert that)
alone now, Lauriana,” a voice… (insert comma)
The ending was scary. Lauriana had better fight for her life.
but Marcus’s hand clamped / Marcus’ hand –Also I think the image could be made clearer here if he clamped down on her shoulder instead. If this is agreeable, then the next part could read, “…she struggled to free herself.”—Also gets rid of “get”.
A suggestion, “…assure you that if I had my way, I’d still be in bed with…”
L’s got some venom to spit. Wow!
There’s the word “winced” used three times in the first three pages. Not a huge deal, but readers will definitely pick up on this.
raptor gaze was / cutting gaze
I like Ash’s accent.
It’s a good technique using the boy to approach Zeke with questions. Ultimately, these are the same questions the readers have been asking themselves, and it’s good to finally address them within the context of the story.
The dialogue structure is set up nicely here. There’s action surrounding it and it’s not the droning “he said/she said” attribution tags after every speech. I’d noticed this seemed to be occurring more often in the previous parts, but as for this installment, the speaking parts are very dynamic and don’t drag. Kudos.
“He hoped they could keep her safe at least until the time she had to face The Master.” I know what this sentence is trying to say, but the way it reads is like saying, “We’ll keep her safe until her confrontation with the Master, then we’ll just stop trying.” The proceeding sentence seems like almost defeatist, circular logic.
went by in a blur. / flew by
the fourth night in a row week, / that week,
I hate to say this, but I take issue with the huge leap of time (one month) that just slips by as the seventh part comes along. I could be totally wrong here, but to be at the keep in one part and then jump to, “Lauriana groaned as she rolled over. They’d been traveling for a month…” as a reader, I feel that there’s a lot that I’ve missed. This could be a tough fix and I’m sorry, but I don’t have any suggestions on how to approach it.
The initial confrontation with the Master is done well. He tries to use her insecurities against her. I have a feeling that this is only a dream, but I guess I’ll have to wait for the next installment to see. Great work!
-Curt
...let them eat cake!
When someone reviews chapter 7 then writes, ‘You need to flesh out your protagonist’ I instantly know that I’m dealing with an idiot. ESPICALLY when my ‘notes’ state to review the work chronologically, or not at all. Some have difficulty following directions. Anyway, off to the review!
Pg.1
Avoid repeating words and/or like phrasing in close proximity: -2- line 1 (gate).
Pg.2
Comma after ‘sour’. (be carful about using multiple adjectives. It’s appropriate within this dialogue, just be careful)
I see: ‘I’ve never hit anyone before’ and ‘I didn’t intend to resort to physical violence.’ as a redundency. If she NEVER has, than her NOT INTENDING is implied.
Pg.3
Be very careful when writing in dialect. Some publishers frown upon this as it often falls short from its desired purpose.
Pg.4
Line 1:
This indicats that Zeke’s garden is located deep in thought.
Pg.5
Line 8
I don’t belive a comma belongs.
Pg.6
Here is where I would merge smalle sentences, and make a slight change: From this:
‘She couldn’t get the dream off her mind. She decided to tell Mikell and see what he thought’
To:
‘She couldn’t get the dream out of her mind so she decided to ask Mikell for his thoughts.”
Pg.7
If she is all alone than it is implied that the ranger cannot protect her.
Empower The Master: If he believes that she is his, would he really say, you might as well give up…..You can’t escape…
If he is to be viewed as a ‘power’, he must SHOW this.
‘You are mine’. End of discussion.
Laugh and laughed…..refer to above comments.
Pg.8
“She could barely stand to keep his gaze.” This reads as if she cannot keep Him focused on her. Was that your intent?
His breath TASTED of decayed meat. She can’t scream if the’re mouths are pressed together.
Ok….
A strong and captivating tale. I really enjoyed it. Creative, on point, comfortable flow.
Well worth the read. Keep it alive!
MD
The best thing about your writing is that you keep a fast, exciting pace throughout all of your chapters.
There is scope for more in depth detail throughout, if you wanted to make this a story of sequels.
You seem displeased (or not)
For the fourth week night in a row
She couldn’t get the dream (out) of her mind
month later lays with another
His breath smelled of decay (or not)
This chapter held my interest throughout, you certainly know how to entertain this reader.
Ah, chapter recaps. That is an interesting concept. While I think there is an earnest need for them to be present in order to provide proper context for a reader; it is also incumbent on each individual to read the other chapters.
With that in mind, I like this chapter. I like the quick conversation at the outset of the chapter. It helps set a nice pace. Throughout the piece there are some minor grammatical and spelling mistakes like “coincident.” Just tighten these up, and this is actually a pretty easy-flowing piece.
I would have liked to seen more out of the conversation between Zeke and the wizard on page 5. I feel as if that conversation could have been more emiment or important. But perhaps I will be proved wrong! I also would have liked to see more description on the month of travel indicated on page 6. While I know time has to be sped up in certain instances, I just felt like I needed more there.
I like the ending of this chapter as well. But this fragment, “leaving him a pathetic shell of his formally already pathetic self?” definitely needs to be reworked. It sounds very awkawrd, though its meaning is well-intended.
Good work! Check for punctuation and grammatical errors, and keep thinking of ways to flesh this out. Keep it up!
Very intriguing ! It’s pretty far-out and I really like it !
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