Poetry / Fare Thee Well

Form is the destroyer of self-expression?  Within time I feel you’ll see that indeed ALL expression has a form, my friend.  Not that it need be any particular KIND of form, but nonetheless.  

Anyway.

Wow, very poetic and very lovely!  So, I can see your mixing things up a little bit—no crime there.  Every poet likes to compose something new, no?  There are plenty out there with WEIRD freakin’ poems that seem to make no sense but people still love.  

This poem flowed quite well—and the pain, the suffering you’re enduring is being expressed well here, I think.  I got it, I could feel it.  Nice job!  

That last stanza, though…ehhh.  For me, it killed the poem a little bit—for one, the word “fire” is too repetitive.  

I was thinking, as just a suggestion, you could place the haiku at the end of your poem?  Maybe that will give it more of a dramatic, poetic effect rather than injecting into the middle of what is otherwise a well-structured poem.  Hope this review helped!  

Oh and by the way, the title is great!  Shows that you have the strength and courage to let go.

Instead of using, “Fare Thee Well …” for a title I’d suggest that you use an epigraph after the title: Escape is Now Mine. Epigrah” “Fare thee well … Dearest Belle.” – Lord Byron

and then start with, /my heart trembles …/

Of course you are going to have critiques. If you are a writer, poet, artist, there is no way around it. Especially if you want to be published. Most editors will just send a rejection slip with no comments.

The length and construction of the first two stanzas is tight, but the last three stanzas are short. Not sure why. How about 3 equal stanzas. Editors look for neatness. 3= stzs. would look nice.

Finally, someone who doesn’t capit. their lines. Bravo. I think you have had some creative writing classes.

Subject/theme: Understanding art is up to each individual. To me it seems the narrator is in love with a ghost or someone who has died.

this poem is exciting but needs revision. Plz. Add as a friend.

Blessings, Gregory

I personally thought that the haiku worked just fine in it. Though you stick to a rythem that makes this a little sing songy, and It looses some of the feeling in the words, try moving around the punctuation a little bit.

a cut & paste version of your poem. Hope it gives you some ideas.

Exit

in love with your essenceI tremble at your presence
i see you float along the floor as others have before
thoughts of love trigger in me scars from the past
tears, velvet dreams darkness, horrible screams, pain

cleansing all hope from my veins breathing you in is sin
I’m desperately drawn into your arms
not caring what thoughts and love harms

purge this great desire, purge  in heaven’s fire
the sweet taste of your skin,  burns too greatly
to save both our hearts the only option
is to leave you now dreaming of fire
& the singing of a demon’s choir

cheers, lin

• add/view comments (5)

August 06, 2008

by lostthunder

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26	M	Storrs Mansfield, CT	November 17

why ? how is this constructive? why rewrite someone else’s work instead of describe what you would do different? my apologies but this “review” comes off as slightly pretentious. how would this give me any ideas if that isn’t the way i write. should i write normally then rearrange everything?

i will say this however. if i had read your version as a reviewer, i would have said that it was nicely worded and the images were great. maybe i say that now because they were my words and images. is that pretentious?

August 06, 2008

by Lin

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68	M	Australia	September 29

It’s not pretentious, after all the words & images are all of your own making. All I have done for you is leave out the less essential bits. Of course I could have done a nitpcking critique & tell you what bits I think you should keep. Instead by doing a precis I have kept the essence of your poem in tact. cheers, lin

August 06, 2008

by lostthunder

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26	M	Storrs Mansfield, CT	November 17

fair enough. sorry that i wasn’t more receptive. it just hit me wrong. let’s just keep writing our thoughts down and let others fight over it. haha. LATER

August 06, 2008

by Lin

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David a close friend turned 60 a week ago, Professeor of Chemistry told me a few years back that I was the most lateral thinker he’d ever met. I think of writing poetry as whittling as I sued to do with wood & a penknife when I was young. Often I whittled away until there was nothing left. Then I found out that at some point the better thing is to put the work aside & come back later & look at it. Some work is about learn what not to do rather than producing something that is ok.

August 06, 2008

by Lin

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68	M	Australia	September 29

typos!

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