Actually, I like this kind of review. My main interest is in how the piece impacts the reader. I know I’m a good writer. If Art is the direct experince of the Self or the Artist when viewing the work, that is my goal. Don’t sweat the points with me, though some on this site will hand you your head :)
Poetry / Girl on the Plane
Girl on the Plane
We sat in the airport café
her eyes still green
once blue jeans and black boots
down dusty barn smells of bridle leather
Recalling her shape in the shaft light
that morning sun shower drenching
our youth
those days of desire
I smiled
She laughed
We ordered some coffee
as forty years flew, her hand
reaching out over time and the table
all gold and blue running river
rusting shadow
that day together
I followed the cup to her lips
For parents not home and autumn leaves turning
to tasting first wine and fire too hot for sweaters
to grand pianos played
cars unlicensed driven
to one single kiss
the words she whispered
I thought she whispered
with time nearly done
again she whispers
years of wondering lifted
Oh why did you not say goodbye
that day, that time, that moment
we turned from each other and walked off alone
I have cheated them all since you
First love
give it back
no don’t, not yet
the girl on the plane is still sleeping
as I have tried, once again
to imagine you now
wheels down, almost home
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JessicaHumiston reviewed Version 5 -
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Wonderful…. ohh how this made my heart sigh, and my eye jump, and my thoughts swim inside my skull like trout up stream! I was confused, excited, reminicent, and hopeful all at the same time!! But now, to what you were concerned about… flow and readablity. I think that it is very clear, but not so clear that you are pouring your thoughts down my throat. You give them a chance to simmer in my mouth before I swallow them. Not so clear, as to alienate me form the piece, letting me see myself in it. The flow is perfect, i would say. I’m not a big fan of punctuation in poetry, because isn’t that what the line breaks are for? heh. This is one a poem that i will read over and over, because i reminds me of all those times i’ve spend in the airport, train station, bus station, watching people while i sit in the corner, writing. The use of color throught the poem, in my opinion, is amazing because it helped me see it, in my mind’s eye. Well done, loved it…
j. humiston
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drbailey reviewed Version 5 -
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Derek,
This piece grabs my attention, especially since I was in an airport only days ago. There is a lot of creativity to be found there, and I came up with three pieces during the flight.
Your main interests in this piece are flow and readability. As a layman, I will not be able to help you very much. I love experimental poetry, and so read it often (many of my favorite pieces have no punctuation or capital letters at all).
The flow itself is beautiful. My experience reading the piece begins with stanza one. There is so much conviviality here, with the olfactory smell of leather (I use to work at a barn) and the clothing colors.
The transition into stanza two is easy and flows into the conversation between the two. There is a metaphysical event here, with her hand (what does that hand look like.. does it age also?) reaching through the years. Very compelling. I think some people may have trouble with line 6-9 in this stanza, as they seem to be allusions to something personal (I’m not sure exactly myself).
The third stanza seems to be a compaction of many memories—distinct memories that are important to what is going on in the piece. I really like the lines and technique of: the words she whispered/ I thought she whispered. As if the speaker himself is having trouble remembering, or is second guessing his memories. This is the most profound moment in the poem to me. A center point.
The fourth stanza has many good lines. My particular favorites are “the girl on the plane is still sleeping” and “wheels down, almost home”. Some lines I didn’t like as much in this stanza were “first love/give it back” and “I have tried, once again”. The reason I say this is that they aren’t as strong or interesting as the other choices you have made. You have a unique creativity and I think all of your lines can be as strong as the next.
Hope any of this helps. I’m terrible with structure and technical issues. That’s why I have editors. But I love to discuss ideas and such. If you don’t like that, please let me know. I’ll try and condense my reviews of your pieces if you like. So they don’t cost a billion points to reveal. I would like to review some of your other pieces though…
Stay Cool,
D.R.
gbryananderson reviewed Version 5 -
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Fr frthr explntn fr rvw pls s my prfl.
Right off this reminds me of a woman friend from N. Calif. St. Helena. I think because of the farm.
Title: It is alright. Would catch an editor’s attention. I want to know who the girl is.
Structure/form: stzs. are uneven. could condense or lengthen. I suggest condense into 3 even word/syl. stanzas, especially if you want an even flow of stresses or word count, breath.
I’ve read this several times for breath takes, though I am unfamiliar with the term, and had problems at: 7th & 8th lines of 1st stz.; 3rd stz-2nd L, “to,” is hard to pronounce, as is 5th L., for some reason “to,” is hard to pronounce.; “Oh,” is passive going into a hard stress.
intent: to have the reader think and feel like the narrator, lonesome, wanting a return to a relationship he sees shining in the girl on the plane.
narration: 1st person, but 3rd stz. is omnesicent?
poetic devices: no metaphor/similes, but motif of whispered/whispers (not necessary). Imagery, very strong with “cup of lips.” Develop more imagery.
satifying resolution: the last line seems directed at someone else besides the girl sleeping. Could you make this poem just about the plane girl?
nitpicker’s list: just for structure purposes experiment with even syllables and words in each line.
Blessings, Gbryan. Msg me, add as friends
jebozid reviewed Version 4 -
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last line, stanza 2: I followed (not ‘I follow’)
stanza 3: “I thought you whispered” – who is this ‘you’ person now? Till now it was just you and her sitting at the airport cafe.
I don’t get the sudden transition in stanza 4. You are on the plane now alone? Written like this it seems as your reminiscing about that day in the cafe while sitting in a plane.
The line “Oh why did you not say goodbye that day” makes me wonder what DID she say that day, what DID happen.
“I have cheated them all since you first love” – needs punctuation badly, I can assume you thought something like “I have cheated them all, since you, my first love” but I can’t be positive.
First 3 stanzas are beautiful, they flow without any obstacles, they tell us a story vividly, but the last stanza seems overly vague and the shorter lines make it stutter a bit in the nice flow you had so far.
Also mentioning 7A seems like you’re too concentrated if you noticed the number while daydreaming, so it lessens its strenght reality-wise.
Enjoyed.
youngjed reviewed Version 2 -
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I still like this. It tells a story and evokes nicely. Specific comments, I know these are pedantic but incase they help at all:
Recalling her shape in the shaft light[add ,]
I smiled, she laughed as we ordered some coffee
And forty years flew with her hand [add ,?]
Rusting shadow [comma?] that day together.
I followed the cup to her lips. [still love this!]
To grand pianos played; cars, unlicensed, driven, [could removve this comma scans nicely and elides the metaphors]
To one single kiss,
The words she whispered, yes [add comma] now she whispered
Oh why did you not say goodbye that day, [? not,]
We both might have walked off alone.
I have cheated them all since you
First love, [. not ,] give it back – no don’t, not yet, [. not ,]
The girl in 7A is still sleeping,
Wheels down [,]
As I try to imagine you now
Almost home
Howard_Bushart reviewed Version 2 -
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Wow. A very good job. Terrific images, good pacing, consistent, tender and comfortable tone throughout, nostalgic but not overly sentimental and that’s tricky. Some terrific combinations of language here, too, “blue and gold running river” “fires too hot for sweaters,” etc.
The place that stopped me, where I guess I had a problem, was line 16 (third verse). It’s a very good image and very powerful moment in the poem. However, it is sandwiched between two thematically different images (fires, leaves, etc. in preceding three, sound and thought in following three) and I think it’s robbed of some of its power here, not really lost but weakened. And of oourse I could be mistaken, but I think the whole work turns on this kiss and the kiss should be as strong as possible. Perhaps you could set it off some way?
This is a good work. Yields more on the second, third and fourth reads, as good poems should.
Jt311 reviewed Version 2 -
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This is very good for a non rhyming scheme..the descriptions make it really amazing.
Is this something that happened to you?
sadpoet reviewed Version 2 -
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All in all the poem is very good. I see some things which may benefit from change. The sentence: “Dusty barn smells of bridle leather” doesn’t fit here, it seems “thrown in”.
I am not sure what rusting shadow really means, nor the sentence above it. It seems that you use simple sentences then very complicated though very poetic sentences and when mixed together causes chaos. See the difference in complication?
I smiled, she laughed as we ordered some coffee
Rusting shadow that day together.
The next pararaph is very good, can’t see a problem here.
The next paragraph you use plain sentences, simple and broken but they have great meaning within the grand scheme of things.
I think if you look at each sentence individually and see their qualities, then if they make sense with the sentence before or after them, then look at the entire pararaph, you will see the complexity you are creating.
I enjoyed the work, thank you for the opportunity.
the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 2 -
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Incredible piece. I would suggest ‘I smiled, she laughed, we ordered’ instead of ‘as we ordered’. I think it will drawstring the 2nd stanza’s first lines better. The first stanza’s 2nd-4th lines feel a bit awkward as the descriptions bleed together. I would restructure them a bit, so they are clearer.
‘I have cheated them all since you’ Wonderful! Because the author feels cheated, themselves.
The last stanza surprised me, but the beauty in this piece completely satisfied my need to understand it, and make me think back to my own losses of lifetimes. I think you did a marvelous job.
bittersweetmemory reviewed Version 2 -
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this is incredible. it sparked my imagination; a business man on a flight home, 7A is tempting in familiar ways, she reminds him of his wife, the thrill of beginnings, the sadness of endings.
FYI: humble opinion; if anyone has trouble with this, they are tripping over the last verse.
well done!
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