Poetry / Rotting from the soul out

Just a suggestion, but I’d rewrite these lines:

“A soul gripped by anguish
Filled with despair and  pain”

“With a crown of thorns
Sadness reigns”

The subtle rhyme scheme works really well.

This paints a bleak portrayal of someone suffering from great depression I think, as low as one can go and sill be alive, but it is all telling, I want to know what king of anguish, pain, what scorn is he hiding from? These are all descriptive words but they show no action. Who are we talking about in this poem? Anyone or just a soul in anguish? When the poem says “Visage shows the pain” what is the visage? A face of torment, eyes burning or filled with tears, mouth hard or down turned, grimacing? The poem needs more feeling and images to be successful. What is rotting from the soul out? I can identify with the despairing words but I get no images. Strive to build visions in a reader’s mind.

Hello ,, hope your saturday is going well..

I found another one of your writings this evening. “rotting from the soul out”

kind of put me in mind of the rolling stones ,, something they would write,

Hey I havnt seen to many people use this word “(visage)”  the only other place
i remember seeing this word was when i was reading the book of daniel in the good book,,

keep at it , maybe someday we meet at “Barnes & etc.)

your friend
lookingbeyond

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August 10, 2008

by mymommaatelettuce

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39	F	Register, GA	November 22

Ah ty darlin…had a very pleasant Saturday, I hope you did as well. Ty for reading this one. It’s one of my darker works but probably my favorite. I put it up to see if anyone would read it at all so I’m glad it got at least one read.
I find most people avoid the darker side of poetry but to me these kinds of works show the true spirit of a writer’s soul. We wouldn’t have the Stones ” Sympathy for the Devil ” without it. Gotta love the Stones.
I hope the rest of your weekend is a pleasant one. I’m hoping I’ll get some time to read more of your work this week. I truly enjoy your outlook on life.

Your Friend,
Mymommaatelettuce

August 10, 2008

by lookingbeyond

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131	76.3% (59 votes)	23.6%

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54	M	Scottsville, KY	November 08

we’ll stay in touch ,, take care ,

lookingbeyond

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