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Poetry / Normal vs. Natural (Part one)
Normal: (n) The usual condition.
Fear is a stronghold, Outwardly impenetrable
stone cut from mountains of hatred
stacked block upon block, they lock
together tightly
The blood of vengance, drizzled
meets the fine powder of oppression
methodically mixed, forms
the paste which smears and fills the gaps
to hard
Glistening bright the diamond-like road of lust
leads to a drawbridge
planks of lies, petrified span the moat
a gorge deep with contradiction, rippling
with betrayal
The selfrighteous potcullis, sharp
razors of greed slam shut
spirit, hope have no place here and may
not enter
Pride fules the factory of insanity held
within these walls
a munitions dump of ignorance
grinding gears of persecution
produce the commodity guilt, its output is of
the highest
The bedrock which supports
a thick pour of manipulation sits
stubbornly upon the earth
so heavy
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The line “to hard” doesn’t make sense, maybe you thought “too hard”, but even then it seems to break the continuity of thought.
“diamond-like” – I think ‘diamond’ would be enough
“potcullis” – typo, should be portcullis (nice word selection, by the way)
“fules” – ‘fuels’ maybe?
“its output is of the highest” – the highest what? I think you should specify
The first part is very good, the way you described the fear like a castle, excellent choice of words, nice metaphors.
But towards the end I as a reader felt a bit lost in the woods of vague metaphors, with very little specific thoughts to cling onto.
Also I’ve noticed the descending tone of the poem – you start hard and strong only to finish in a lot less powerful way. Not sure if you intended it that way, but I think you shouldn’t lose the power throughout the poem and should put more thought in a more memorable ending.
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