Thanks so much for your encouragement. You’re right it sort of is a draft, I’m only fifteen so I’m here to learn anything and everything I can, I have plenty of time to develop my story and get it published. All I really want to know is if it leaves the reader wanting more, and you answered my question : ]
Thanks again Jodie
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Prologue to the Tempest
Prologue
Kings Storage garage, California
July 16th 1998 7.12pm
Adrenaline pumped through my body as I neared the sliding door. ‘KINGS STORAGE’ was printed in bold black letters across the middle of it. My hands slid over the cold steel and with great effort I pulled it upwards, creating a loud clattering noise. A burst of light flooded the dark room where my father stood, small drops of blood splattered across his face. ‘Room for one more?’ My deep voice was exaggerated by the concrete walls surrounding me. I scanned the room quickly; the only thing other than Trish and my father within it was a small wooden table that sat neatly in the corner. ‘How lovely of you to join us Joannie,’ my father spoke, his voice laced with the Irish accent that I’d almost forgotten about in the seven years I hadn’t seen him, not long enough. My attention was turned to Trish, her body almost limp, lying awkwardly in the wooden chair. Her golden curls were matted with blood coming from a gash in the back of her head. She’d been missing for seven hours. Blood leaked out of the deep wounds he’d inflicted on her left arm. She looked up at me, her hazel eyes pleading but etched with determination. I looked at my father again. His 6’0” frame stood perfectly straight, the blue apron he was wearing was stained brown with spurts of Trish’s blood. My heart jumped as my eyes met his for the first time in seven years. It was like looking in a mirror, the piercing steel blue eyes that I looked at every morning were staring back at me.
‘I was just having a chat with Trish here, asking her about her father, you remember Ron don’t you Joannie? He was the one who put your daddy in jail.’
‘And I’ll never be able to repay him enough,’
‘You don’t mean that,’
‘You know damn well I do you sick son of a bitch,’ I spoke with venom.
‘Don’t speak about your grandmother like that,’
‘I’ll never know if she was a bitch, you killed her before I had the pleasure of meeting the woman,’
‘Trust me, you were better off without her,’ he spoke in a calm voice.
‘You aren’t god dad, but then again you were never one to let me make my own decisions,’
‘For your own good,’ He spoke quietly.
‘No. For your own good,’
I eyed the gun sitting neatly under his apron and slowly edged closer to him. A scalpel hung loosely in his left hand. I knew that he wouldn’t be able to get his hand on the gun without me noticing, and he could throw the scalpel but I would see his hand tense before he made a move. I’d grown up with Trish, she was one of the very few people I trusted with my life, and one of the very few people I would give my life for.
‘I take it Andy is to busy watching ants doing back flips in his pot enhanced state to come help you out huh?’ My father said almost laughing.
‘Actually Whiteman shot him, he’s lying in the hospital half dead,’ I answered back like a child scorned.
‘Well I’m sorry to hear that. Does the hospital serve cake mix, you know, just in case he gets the munchies?’
‘Oh you’re fucking hilarious,’
‘So I take good old Whiteman’s no longer in league with you?’
‘He tried to kill me,’
‘Why?’
‘This is none of your fucking business dad. Why the hell do you care anyway?’
‘I don’t,’
‘So why ask?’
‘The question isn’t why, but rather why not,’
I didn’t speak. He was trying to rattle me and I was going to let it work.
‘You trained me from the day I could walk to be your ultimate challenge. It’s been eighteen years in the making, what the hell are you waiting for?’
‘Please sit,’ he said pointing to a chair next to Trish’s. I felt my body begin to rage, my fists clenching and unclenching. I wanted to attack so badly. My whole life I’d been waiting for this one moment. The moment that I would kill my father, get my revenge. Ever since I could walk my father had trained me. A hit man for the Irish mafia his one mission in life was to find a true challenge. So in order to create opposition he trained me. Countless hours of torture were spent perfecting my skills. On my eleventh birthday my father killed my mother before my eyes. Ron Kennedy, San Diego’s leading FBI agent and Trish’s father put my father in jail. I spent seven years training harder than I ever had, spending a large portion of that as a hit woman for the Irish mafia in order to earn money. It was the only thing I’d ever been trained to do, and I wanted to prove that I could be better than my father. I’m not proud of what I did, not in the slightest. I killed people I didn’t even know. Their faces haunted me every night in my dreams, and I’d done it all for this man. To spite him, to be better, stronger, the perfect person, which until this very moment hadn’t occurred to me, was exactly what he’d wanted. He’d tried to kill me numerous times since he’d gotten out of jail, and he’d tried to kill Trish, and I wasn’t going to let him do that.
‘I’m here dad, I’m waiting, only one of us is leaving here, the quicker the better, lets get it over with,’
‘Patience, remember what I taught you honey, patience,’
‘Oh sure, like the patience you had with me? “Come on Joannie, higher, kick higher, JOANNIE HIGHER,” And what happened when I didn’t kick higher dad? Who got kicked then?’
‘Tough love,’
‘Okay well I’m old enough to fight back now. And daddy, I told you long ago, if you broke my will, I would come back to destroy everything you stood for.’
‘Boy do I know it,’
‘So how are we going to do this then?’
‘Hold on. I have one question,’ my father said putting his hand up signaling for me to slow down.
‘Ask away,’
‘After I went to jail, how on Earth did you manage to turn the entire Irish mafia against me?’
‘Oh I’m talented,’ I smiled.
‘If you’re going to kill me you might as well tell me,’
‘Remember Raven Shadelle?’ I asked.
‘Sure, she was married to Peter,’
‘And who was Peter dad?’
‘The head of the Irish mafia,’
‘Raven always liked me,’ I said hinting at my answer.
‘What did you say to her?’
‘She knew my situation dad. After you went to jail I asked for help. I had no form of support so she took me under her wing. She had people train me, doing a large portion of it herself. And after Peter watched me train, realised my talent, suddenly you were nothing. You were a washed up old man who’d been nothing but a liability and ended up in jail. And guess what I was. I was the pretty young thing with all the potential in the world. Twice as good as any hit man or woman double my age, thanks to you. So to answer your question, how did I turn the entire Irish mafia against you? With you. You trained me, you made me as good as I was and you gave me the focus and the drive to want to be twice as good, and in the process you screwed yourself. Golf claps for Ethan everybody.’ I said clapping sarcastically.
‘That’s my girl,’ he said smiling.
‘Are you satisfied?’
‘As much as I ever will be?’
‘So?’
‘Hand to hand, no weapons,’
‘You got it,’ I said grabbing the switchblade out of my boot and throwing it across the room, it made a metallic clunking sound as it hit the concrete.
‘Are you ready?’ my father asked. He took a deep breath and unhooked the apron, throwing it to the ground. I nodded my head, my hands motioning towards me. He smiled, the charming smile that had fooled so many. Then the smiled faded, and we collided. In seconds he was on top of me, tossing my body to the ground as if I weighed nothing. My back made a thudding sound as it hit the ground and all the air rushed from me. Instantly I pushed against him, his fists raining onto my face. I covered up. Trish’s voice drifted into my conscious. ‘Joannie, come on, where is your fire? Seven long years,’ I threw my arms up and pushed him off of me. This was all I had to live for, this satisfaction. If I couldn’t do this all my pain was for nothing. I slammed my elbow into my father’s temple, he reeled. I got to my feet quickly, he wasn’t far behind me. We both had excellent recovery. My left foot reached out and clipped his as he raged towards me, his own momentum caused him to fall and if I hadn’t been fighting to the death with my him, I would have laughed. As I stepped forward to attack he grabbed a hold of my foot and dragged me down with great effort. Before I had time to recover he kneed me in the ribs and elbowed me in the eye, the sound of my bones cracking was almost worse than the pain. I rolled fast to my right, feeling wind whoosh past my head as his fists just missed me. I smacked into the side of Trish’s chair my ribs cracking the frail wooden frame, it crashed to the ground. I grabbed a hold of my father’s dusty coloured hair and slammed his head hard against the concrete floor, his eyes rolled back in his head but he came too quickly. As I got up he got up with me and slammed me up against the concrete wall with incredible force. He punched me in the face, knocking a few teeth loose. I stood nearly as tall as he did at 5’10” and as I looked into his eyes I could see the disappointment. I wasn’t living up to his expectations. I so badly wanted to prove him wrong. Another right hand. I spat blood and looked up at him again. I caught sight of Trish, her eyes following us around the room. As he delivered a thundering left hook I slammed my head forward, my forehead hit my father’s temple. He sailed backwards, almost in slow motion. As he did I threw punch after punch, feeling the facial bones smashing under the force of my fists and it felt good, better than anything ever had in my life. He grabbed a hold of my left arm and in an instant twisted it hard behind my back. My shoulder dislocated and the pain seared through my entire body. Quick as a flash I flipped him over my back, he hit the concrete hard and hearing all the wind rush from his body fulfilled me. I kicked him hard in the ribs, his mouth opened gasping for air. I slammed my shoulder hard into the concrete wall, to my instant relief it popped back into place. ‘Round one, Joannie. Come on dad, get up,’ I screamed at the top of my lungs, Trish’s eyes filled with pride, it made me calmer knowing that she was still conscious. My father got up quicker than I expected. A large smile plastered across his face, blood covered his teeth and ran down his chin.
‘Joannie,’ Trish screamed. My father had pulled his gun out, he had it pointed at my head. He wouldn’t miss from one hundred meters away, and I was only five meters away.
‘Check mate,’ he said, his voice filled with evil.
‘I thought this was going to be hand to hand?’
‘I’m so disappointed in you, what was lesson twelve?’
I searched my memory, then it clicked and a sick feeling welled from the bottom of my stomach.
‘Never fight fair…ever,’
‘You got it baby,’
‘So you’ve conceded to the fact that you could never beat me in hand to hand combat. I’m just to damn good huh?’
‘Never,’
‘Go ahead dad, shoot,’ I watched his eyes, searched them, and I got my message, seized my chance. I ducked quickly, a shot rung out above my head. Quickly I slid across the floor and kicked the gun out of my father’s hand. I rolled across the unforgiving, cold concrete. Trish kicked the gun to the side with her bound feet, my hand landed on my blade. As soon as I caught sight of my target I threw it. I never missed a shot and this was no exception. My knife landed in the left hand side of my father’s chest, his body sank.
‘I believe you forgot lesson sixteen dad, do you remember?’ I asked as I walked towards him, his body rested neatly against the concrete wall. I could see he was thinking, they would be his last thoughts.
‘Ahh…’ he said pausing for a moment, ‘Always watch the opponents eyes, one hundredth of a second before they attack you will see it, the pupils dilate, any trained fighter can see this. You got me Jones and I am proud,’ he looked up at me, blood seeping from his mouth. For a split second my eyes began to tear. This man had created the hell that I lived in, but it was that hell that I called home, and I could imagine a life no different.
‘Thank you,’ I said. My father’s eyes rolled back in his head and his body went limp. I stood for what seemed like an eternity, staring into his lifeless eyes, before it occurred to me that this man was dead. I had just murdered my own father. I’d killed countless people and I remembered every one, but this was different. Something profound happened to me. This was it, the last one. I had to do something with my life and it wasn’t going to include murdering more people. I turned to Trish, she looked up at me with an expression of relief.
‘It’s over Jones, the torture is over.’ I knelt down and untied the ropes that bound her wrists and feet. ‘How’s your shoulder?’
‘I’ll live,’
‘I can’t believe this is over,’
‘This isn’t over, Trish. He is dead, and I am alive; but this isn’t over. It never will be.’
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SwordMistress reviewed Version 6 -
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This is good start to what seems like it will be an exciting novel.
If there isn’t anything else in the room other than Trish, her father and a small table how did he inflict the wounds?
“repay him enough,’” enough.’
‘You don’t mean that,’ that.’ When there’s no attribution tags the dialogue sentence ends with a period. You do this through the prologue.
“aren’t god dad,” God
“good,’ He spoke quietly.” good,’ he said quietly. Using spoke is awkward and sound repetitive. Said is less noticeable.
“it Andy is to” too
“I answered back like a child scorned.” It’s better to try to show this, than to tell us. Also sometimes it’s better to just say, I said or I answered. So far all your dialogue tags are very long a wordy. It gets monotonous after answer.
“Does the hospital serve cake mix, you know, just in case he gets the munchies?’” This doesn’t make any sense. If it’s an inside joke you need to let the reader in on it.
“I take good” I take it
“Please sit,’ he said pointing to a chair next to Trish’s.” Chairs keep popping up. You said in the beginning the only things in the room were Trish, the father, and a table.
“spending a large portion of that as a hit woman” I find it hard to believe that the Irish mafia would hire a hit woman under the age of eighteen.
“he was on top of me, tossing my body to the ground” I know what you mean but, this sounds like he is literally on top of her, which would make it impossible for him to throw her.
“Instantly I pushed against him,” If she was thrown across the room how could she instantly push against him? He would have to close the distance between them first.
“My left foot reached out and clipped his” clipped his what, be clear
“dragged me down with great effort.” If he can throw her across the room as if she weighed nothing, dragging her down shouldn’t take great effort.
“Quick as a flash I flipped him over my back,” I’m not picturing this. If her arm was pinned behind her back how did she flip him over her back”
“I’d killed countless people and I remembered every one,” If she killed too many people to count how could she remember every one? It also seems a little farfetched that at the age of eighteen she killed countless people.
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Liquis reviewed Version 6 -
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Wow – that was definately ribbed with intensity.
Jones is great; she sounds completely brainwashed!
In all good intentions of course it seems like a draft, but its imaginative and has serious potential.
How you dove into the story as this the prolouge makes a reader craving to know what’s next, no doubt. It leaves questions, and glints of the promise of answers ahead.
So I’ll read on – yah!
;]]
Mike
Catastrophe reviewed Version 6 -
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It’s an interesting setup. The relationship between the father and daughter is intriguing. The fight scene started off well, but kind of got a little unbelievable by the end: 1/100th of a second gives no time to dodge a bullet.
It’s not entirely clear if Trish is a relative or friend.
A few mechanical errors:
“Andy is to busy” – too
“for the Irish mafia his one mission” – comma after mafia
“who was Peter dad” – comma after Peter; capitalize Dad
“it made a metallic clunking sound” – to me, ‘clunking’ denotes a heavier weight than a switchblade would account for
“I grabbed a hold of” – ahold
“my back, he hit” – period after back
“get up,’ I screamed” – you can use an exclamation mark instead of a comma. It would make more of an impact.
“I’m just to damn good” – too
“watch the opponents eyes” – should have an apostrophe
A fast opening is a good hook.
Good luck with this!
Squamch reviewed Version 5 -
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Right off the bat, we’ve got a pretty glaring error… “‘Trust me, you were better off without her,’ I spoke in a calm voice.” – This is the father speaking, and not Joannie, which is indicated.
The first paragraph had me, but there are some pretty consistent grammarical errors. For a while I wondered if they might be stylistic, and done purposefully, because you seem very skilled at certain facets of writing (I’m also reading a lot of Cormac McCarthy lately, who seems to specialize in stylistic quirks). Anyway, the two big ones are comma splices and the use of commas at the end of dialogue where they should be replaced by periods. That one’s a pretty simple problem to fix – the comma splices are another matter. I found a lot of instances throughout the piece where you joined what might be better off as two sentences with a comma. Examples:
“I got to my feet quickly, he wasn’t far behind me, we both had excellent recovery.” – There are a number of ways to make this sentence flow better, not even necessarily by separating it into two, or perhaps three, sentences.
“Blood leaked out of the deep wounds he’d inflicted on her left arm, she looked up at me, her engaging hazel eyes pleading but etched with determination.” – If you replace the comma between “arm” and “she” with a period, the section flows much better.
I’m not sure exactly how much realism you’re going for here, but it gets pretty far fetched. The really big one is the thought of an eighteen year old hitwoman, working jobs for the Irish mob. While I’m not all that familiar with the Irish version of the mafia, I have spent a lot of time researching the Italians for my own writing and have run into a few pieces of info about it. For the character to be trusted with murder, my guess is she’d have to be a bit older. Also, if her father is connected and wants her dead, wouldn’t the Irish mob be her enemy?
The other thing that was really a stretch, in my opinion, was the rule sections. I can understand rules 1-10 or something, but once you’re getting into letters and such, it really stops working for me, at least in this context. If there was an element of humor to it, or even a “Kill Bill cool,” I could maybe get on board. But in a rather straight-forward piece, you really need to sell your characters beforehand to make me willing to swallow that kind of pill.
A suggestion: I’d slow the pacing way down in the first couple of paragraphs, before the fight scene – kind of like the calm before a storm. I think the story would be best-served to really focus in on the tension between the father and daughter. It might actually be better if the Trish character is unconscious, because honestly, I feel like her bits of dialogue get in the way. You’ll notice that the pace is very, very quick as soon as the dialogue picks up, which is an abrupt shift from the first paragraph. I think that first paragrah had it right – let me sink into the mood, and then smack me in the face with the fight scene, quickening the pace at that point, rather than before.
Another problem I see is that she throws a roundhouse kick that connects with her father, who just a few sentences previous was said to be five meters away. That’s more than fifteen feet, which would mean she would have to approach to land that kick, and doing so would probably get herself shot.
By working out some of the grammarical errors and maybe giving the characters a dose of reality (I’d research the Irish mob and maybe contract killers in general), I think you could have a good story here. You definitely have a knack for details and for setting your reader in the middle of the scene, and if you use pacing to your advantage, I think it will only enhance that.
martykate reviewed Version 5 -
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‘You know damn well I do you sick son of a bitch,’ I spoke with venom.
‘Don’t speak about your grandmother like that,’
‘I’ll never know if she was a bitch, you killed her before I had the pleasure of meeting the woman,’
‘Trust me, you were better off without her,’ I spoke in a calm voice.
I was kind of confused with exactly who was saying what with these lines, but they fit in the story.
Another inconsistency was her calling him “daddy” and then calling him “Ethan”. I think it would be better to use one or the other and make it more consistent.
Very exciting. Very fast paced. Exciting story line and gritty heroine.
Nice read.
GVaughn reviewed Version 5 -
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i thought this was an interesting premise but there were several spots that seemed unrealistic or maybe just a little silly too me. however, given your age i have to say you’ve done an awesome job. some people much older than you could not such a passage.
i thought this section was unbelievably violent. is it necessary to write about each and every punch, kick and slam? each bone cracked, pulled and dislocated? a little is okay but after awhile i found the extreme detail to be tedious.
Loud bursts of thumping echoed in my head as blood raced around my body. awkward wording and unclear image. suggest you delete this sentence and just start with the next one about adrenaline. it gets the message across.
My deep, husking voice - do you mean “husky”? deep and husky mean the same thing, but this is an 18 yo girl right? is she on steroids? is her voice husky w/emotion? if so, then say something to that effect.
her engaging hazel eyes pleading but etched with determination. drop the “engaging”. it’s enough to know she has blonde curls and hazel eyes. engaging? it’s assumed she would engage anyone that is coming to rescue her. trying to show she’s still alive. just say something to the effect of…”her blood covered body body lay limp on the table but her hazel eyes were still alert. she still had some fight in her.” etched? weird choice of verb.
I caught sight of Trish, she was watching – “I caught sight of Trish, even though she was in pain, her eyes followed us around the room.”
was lesson twelve section K?’ even if there were 5 billion lessons, would he really number them like clauses in a contract? 12, 13…should suffice.
lways watch the opponents eyes, one hundredth of a second before the… – did he do a scientific study? how does he know it’s exactly one hundredth of a second? just say the moment before…
‘Thank you,’ I said bowing. really? i know this is a family with a screwed up dynamic but would she really bow? i can’t see that without laughing and wondering what the heck she was doing.
a story about an 18 y.o female assassin sounds cool. a few things need to be tweaked but you have a really good, interesting idea.
danielthomasandrewdaly reviewed Version 5 -
Read 14% of the Item
Graphic yet not confronting. It seems you are trying to grab the readers attention, yet the way it comes accross you are not being bold enough, or daring enough, and it seems a little mundane after a while. Yet the story has potential and it would be interesting to see what you do with it.
It is worth the effort of pursuing with, and I wish you luck.
Russell_Parkway reviewed Version 5 -
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This is pretty good. It still needs some cleaning up in the clarity, flow departments, for example:
as I neared the sliding door. ‘KINGS STORAGE’ was printed in bold black letters across the middle of it. My hands slid over the cold steel and with great effort I pulled it upwards
If they were sliding doors, she wouldn’t be pulling upwards, but she’d be likely digging her feet into the ground to either push, or pull the door sideways (depending on the direction she’s facing). The dialogue is good, using that as a technique to describe what happens is always better than telling it in a long boring narrative, which you’ve done in many spots.
Be careful in your research. You told me in your letter that Jones is an FBI agent. If she used to be a hitwoman for the Irish Mafia, that could ruin her chances of becoming an FBI agent, considering that she has a criminal background which the FBI CAN verify. Unless the FBI has made some secretive arrangement to allow her to work for them, it should be mentioned in your story how she got around that. Jones’ father makes for a sadistic villain. His character works. To make him even worse, I’d show him in action and even enjoying torturing his victims. Hope that helps.
Hazel reviewed Version 4 -
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Adrenaline was engulfing me, mixed feelings of absolute fear and excitement flooding every inch of me as I neared the sliding door.
I personally don’t think you need all these words to describe how she’s feeling. The words ‘Mixed’, ‘Absolute’ and ‘Sliding’ are all redundant.
My hands slid over the cold steel and with great effort my muscular arms reefed it upwards.
Another reason you don’t need the word sliding, is because that sentence describes how the door is opening. Therefore, the readers can tell it is a sliding door.
I’d almost forgotten about in the seven years I hadn’t spoken to him.
While reading this, I couldn’t help thinking this could sound better:
‘I’d forgotten about since I last saw him. Seven years ago.’
her body almost limp, lying awkwardly in the wooden chair. Her golden curls lay limp and blood covered around her shoulders.
You use limp twice. Try switching one for a different adjective. Also, the sentence confused me slightly. Are you saying her curls were limp and blood covered? The sentence read to me as she had curled hair and some blood was on her shoulders. But the blood wasn’t in the hair. To remove confusion I would say her hair was bloody before mentioning where the hair lay. E.g.
‘Her golden curls were streaked with blood as they lay limp around her shoulders.’
her amazing hazel eyes
This makes her sound like they’re in love. I get your trying to contrast her eyes with the MC and the MC’s father, and that can still be done. Try to words like, (and these are just suggestions as I don’t know your character): Innocent,watery, soft, etc. Or just have ‘her hazel eyes’, as the gaze in her eyes is still a good contrast.
as my eyes met his for the first time in seven years,
You said seven years above. Use phrases like, ‘too long,’ ‘not long enough,’ etc. Or, use a phrase like ‘since he left’ or ‘since he…’ and link it to her past.
My father said sarcastically.
Dialogue tag isn’t needed as it is obvious who is speaking and his scarcasm is also obvious. Also, it’s a tom-swiftie, and they really should only be used a couple of times in a book and only when necessary. In this case, it doesn’t feel necessary.
‘No, for your own good,’ I screamed.
Before,I assumed they were talking normally, due to the lack of dialogue tags. Has she gone straight from talking normally to screaming? If that is the case then leave it, if not then add a line like ‘My anger rised at the same speed as my voice.’(as an example)
Trish said. Her voice was weak.
This could be a good place to show more of Trish’s personality, by adding a word like ‘unusally’ before weak.
I’d known Trish since her father had put mine in jail. I’d grown up with her and she was one of the very few people I trusted with my life, and one of the very few people I would give my life for.
Feels slightly info-dumpy. Delete the first sentence as you mention it later and just keep the sentences ‘Trish was one of my oldest friends and one of the very few people I trusted with my life. And would give my life for.’
‘You trained me from the day I could walk to be your ultimate challenge. It’s been eighteen years in the making, what the hell are you waiting for?’
Ever since I could walk my father had trained me. A hit man for the Irish mafia his one mission in life was to find a true challenge.
Slightly repetative. You don’t need both sentences. Delete one and just keep what she says.
On my eleventh birthday my father killed my mother, before my eyes. Ron Kennedy, San Diego’s leading FBI agent and Trish’s father put my father in jail.
This is what I meant when I said earlier that you mentioned Trish’s father arrested the MC’s father. Just keep it here as you don’t need to say it twice.
I spent seven years training harder than I ever had
‘Had’ is redundant.
Not making excuses for myself but
Delete that and start the sentence with
It was the only thing I’d ever been trained to do, and I wanted to prove that I could be better than my father.
I killed people I didn’t even know, and their faces haunted me every night in my dreams, and I’d done it all for this man, to spite him, to be better, stronger, the perfect person, which until this very moment hadn’t occurred to me, was exactly what he wanted.
Split that into more than one sentence.
‘I’m here Ethan,
She refers to him as ‘my father’ and now ‘Ethan’. If it is the same person (which I persume it is), get the MC to call him one name and if she calls him something else then give her a reason. And tell the readers the reason.
revenge is a dish best served cold,’
Old cliche that I think ruins the piece. Try to make up a new expression like ‘revenge is better when it is thought about day after day, month after month, year after year.’
I nodded my head slightly, my hands motioning towards me, he smiled, the charming smile that had fooled so many, then the smiled faded, and we collided.
Start a new sentence with ‘Then…’ could work better.
if I hadn’t been so serious I would have laughed.
I feel something on the lines of ‘If I hadn’t been fighting to the death with my father, I would have laughed’, is more gripping.
As I stepped forward to attack he grabbed a hold of my foot and dragged me down with incredible force.
incredible force,
Use incredible force twice, I would switch one.
I stood nearly as tall as he did at five ten
This sounds like a weird way of phrasing it. Either remove her height and just have ‘I stood almost as tall’. Or, try rephrasing it. Something like ‘At five ten I was only inches shorter…’.
I died inside.
This gives me the impression that she’s given up. Try something more like ‘I vowed to prove him wrong’.
Ethan grabbed a hold of my left arm and in an instant twisted it hard behind my back, my shoulder dislocated and the pain seared through my entire body, quick as a flash I flipped him over my back, he hit the concrete hard and hearing all the wind rush from his body fulfilled me.
Start a new sentence with ‘Quick’.
‘I thought this was going to be hand to hand,’
This seems like a question so I would either add a question mark, or rephrase.
‘I’m so disappointed in you, what was lesson twelve K?’
This made me think he was calling her ‘K’. You mean lesson twelve, part K. I would add in a word like ‘part’ or ‘section’.
I searched my memory bank,
Makes her sound like a robot. I would just have ‘memory’ and leave out ‘bank’
‘Never fight fair………..ever,’
Those dots look weird. I’m guesing you mean ’...’ but it looks like something happened when you pasted it.
My long leg shot out
‘Long’ is redunant as we know she’s tall.
I’d never missed a shot and this was no exception.
‘I had’ is much more powerful in this sentence.
‘I believe you forgot lesson sixteen A dad, do you remember?’
Again, that confused me. Perhaps a hyphen might work.
For a split second my eyes began to tear, this man had created the hell that I lived in, but it was that hell that I called home, and I could imagine no different life.
I’ve split this into three sentences below. Read it outloud and see if you can hear the difference.
For a split second my eyes began to tear. This man had created the hell that I lived in, but it was that hell that I called home. I could imagine no different life.
Oh and the last line I would change to ‘I could not imagine a different life.’
I stood for what seemed like an eternity, staring into his lifeless eyes and it suddenly occurred to me that this man was dead, I’d just murdered my own father.
This sentence could be split. Again, I’ve split it and swapped ‘and’ for ‘before’ and removed ‘suddenly’ and changed ‘I’d’ to ‘I had’. It seems slightly more poignant this way.
I stood for what seemed like an eternity, staring into his lifeless eyes, before it occurred to me that this man was dead. I had just murdered my own father.
‘This isn’t over, Trish. He is dead, and I am alive; but this isn’t over, and it never will be.’
Again, I would split it. Shorter sentences always seem more, poignant isn’t the right word, more touching. I can’t explain it, but just say it outloud and listen. It just seems better.
‘This isn’t over, Trish. He is dead, and I am alive, but this isn’t over. It never will be.’
You have a really good setup and a gripping story. The ideas, plot and characters are all there, it just needs tightening up. There are a couple of redunant words you could remove and there are a couple of long sentences that could be split. But, I really did enjoy this piece. Good luck in the future.
GVaughn reviewed Version 4 -
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good action scenes, good descriptions and narrative, i could really visualize the scene. interesting characters and set up. i think i’d like to know just a bit more about joanie before we see her battle her father. something that makes her relatable and likable. my first impression was this big, muscular woman and i almost stopped reading. but i continued…with a few changes I think it could be improved greatly.
suggestions:
my muscular arms: sounds like she’s tooting her own horn. establish elsewhere that she works out and is in good shape so she doesn’t sound vain with self description.
reefed: what is this?
amazing hazel eyes: a woman describing another woman’s eyes as amazing? makes sense if she is a lesbian, is attracted to Trish
blood covered around her shoulder: awkward wording. what does this mean?
dialogue sounds a bit forced and formulaic in places. like what you’d hear in a straight to dvd steven seagall movie. try reading the dialogue out loud to make sure if flows.
revenge is a dish…cliches sound good but they sound…well cliche when used. find another way to get your message across.
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