Poetry / STRESSFUL PAIN

IN the beginning your mind is berserk.  Why?  What is it that is stressing you out.
Your mind feels unrestrained with stressful pain.  I would’ve thought that being unrestrained would be a good thing.  Do you like your mind to be restrained? if so, then why, this could unlock something that could take this piece a lot further than schoolwork stress. It doesn’t really have much of a point other than to say that you’re stressed about schoolwork.  Try thinking of the why, who, what, when’s when writing.  We’ve all been through school and its stressed us all out at some point.  Think about why it is diff. for you.  Why do people think you unkind?  Do you care?  Why?  There isn’t much description going on.  I think you should use this piece as a jump off point to write something more personal, give us a picture.

I would make a few grammatical changes.  In the first line, there should either be an apostrophe in the word “minds” or it could be changed to “mind is”.  Changing “and” to “to” in the first line would also be advised.  In the third line, the word “regain” sounds odd and could be changed to “return” or something similar.  

While reading this, I find myself asking why you are (or this person is) stressed.  Is it school alone or something more?  This poem might benefit from probing a little deeper.  

This is a nice start and I hope to read more if you choose to expand it. Thank you.

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August 14, 2008

by eminemslove85

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23	F	Danville, IL	November 19

thanks~

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This is obviously a much improved format and wording.  It’s still relatable and this time, with the reformating, I can understand a bit deeper what is stressing the speaker.  I have got to admit that it is still a bit cheesy but it is well executed and you’re getting better at this.

Very relatable, and an interesting topic to write about. We all have those times when we read the same line over and over and just can’t focus. Well done considering the difficult topic.

Sometimes in poetry it is best to stay away from the rhyming stanzas. This is not bad for a beginner, however I highly recommend that next time stay away from all of the rhymes, and use synonyms rather then the same word repeatedly. For example

“But with school on my brain, I’m in pain all the time.

   People don’t understand me and think me unkind.

   So what am I to do this time?

   How am I suppost to unwind from this stressful pain all the time?”

Also grammatical errors are important to correct.  suppost = suppose

Keep writing though and no matter what anyone says never give up.

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August 09, 2008

by eminemslove85

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23	F	Danville, IL	November 19

thank u i wont!

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Hmm, this is very similar to the other piece of yours that I reviewed. Apparently anger and stress are your muse eh?

Two suggestions. First is that you might not want to repeat “stressful pain” so many times. Repetition can serve a purpose… but unless it’s done in a certain way, it sort of brings down the tone of the piece.

The other suggestion would be that “I hope I can regain into my normal state of mind” should be “I hope I can regain my normal state of mind”

Other than that, not a bad piece.

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August 08, 2008

by eminemslove85

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23	F	Danville, IL	November 19

thank you i will work on it. i have an idea also! :) thanks again!

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I can really identify with this poem because I think we all go through this maddening time at one point or another, but what would really help this poem, which is all tell and no showing, is to depict and portray the stressful pain. Make us feel it as you see and feel it. What does it do to you? What shape does it take, what sound does it make? It was used three times in the poem and yet it is never described. Same for going beserk. I’d love to get inside your skin and know what it is like for you, show us.

Ok, the theme of this poem is certainly pronouced and open.  Sometimes repeated use of the title in the poem works well.  I do not necessarily like the repetition of this phrase in this poem.  This poem is very negative, hence the stressful pain.  To me, the strength of this poem lies in its “Short but simple,” punch, so I commend you on that.
  Try playing around with this work.  I would even write some variations on this piece, perhaps try to work some more length into the piece.

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August 07, 2008

by eminemslove85

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23	F	Danville, IL	November 19

well this is how i write and if u dont like it then dont read any more of my work. i do write about negative stuff so if u want to stay away from that sort of thing then don’t read anymore of my work. what did u mean when u said “I do not necessarily like the repetition of this phrase in this poem.”???? i didnt get that part? and if u dont like how i write or what i write about then that is just fine, its not about what other people like or want to read, these are my feelings and how i feel, Yes they are negative feelings but these are mine and mine alone. im not writeing to please others. but thank you for the commend on the line “short but simple” theres more to that line then what u wrote.

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Chill out?

I’ve read a few versions of this before, I’m sure. The rhyme, although it’s come along way, is still forced belligerently. The content isn’t engaging and it sounds like a broken record, but that made me feel a little stressed, which could be good.

I would suggest a revision of line 3, particularly the word “regain”- it doesn’t work.    

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August 07, 2008

by eminemslove85

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23	F	Danville, IL	November 19

ok well thanks anyways!

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Dear Stranger,
  Stress is a common malady that can wear down the body and mind. This piece presents the problem of stress, identifies a reason for that stress, and asks a lot of general questions that most people ponder when stressed (such as, man, when will this crap end?).
  The thing that makes a poem really good in my mind is being unique and offering something different. This can be accomplished in many ways. I have a few suggestions that might help you out.
  The first is to do something different with the idea of pain. Don’t think of it necessarily as you would normally. Instead, make it weird. What does this pain cause? Maybe personify the pain, make it a person and thus symbolic in some way.
  Second, maybe writing a poem about having the stress and coming up with a unique way to get rid of it would not only create a very good read, but also help you in real life with your stress. I always feel better when finishing a piece that I know is different from others.
  anyhow, I hope your stress gets better and that you keep writing.

  Stay Cool,
  D.R.

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August 06, 2008

by eminemslove85

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379	25.3% (162 votes)	22.8%

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23	F	Danville, IL	November 19

yes thank u thank u, i will keep wrting, i just wrote a poem and posted it, its called “Have you ever been me?” check it out…

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