thanks for ur commment, can u help me? like give me a example?
Poetry / REST
My minds needs a rest because that’s the best.
If only I knew how to control my mind, my thoughts, my angry moods, I would be able to sleep better too.
I go to to bed when I’m tired and wake up late, that’s something that I hate.
I always debate with what I could do, so I sit and ponder on what I should do.
So I just sit there and type without a clue. I look at the clock and it’s after two.
I get up and get my bed ready wondering how long till I fall asleep, or when it will over come me.
So as I lay there my minds starts reeling, I try and shut everything out.
But with all this stress I just want to shout.
I never know what I can do to release it, it is a dead end to me.
Bcause every one else has a stress releaver, that’s not fair to me.
So I lash out at everyone, cussing them all out.
Then after the fight I’m still stressed out.
I’m even more angry, that I shot my family with ugly words and names.
It’s not right and it’s not fair, but sometimes I feel like they don’t even care.
I sit in my bad mood and wait it out, because I know if I sit here long enough.
I know i’ll cool.
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oknapp reviewed Version 3 -
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Hi Whitney.
always debate with what I could do, so I sit and ponder on what I should do.
This sentence repeats itself, You debate and then you ponder. Just leave the debate sentence in and find something else to say.
I’m even more angry, that I shot my family with ugly words and names.
Please take this out. It sounds like you shot your family because of stress.
My mind is at it’s best when it’s at rest
With daylight comes the pain and stress
Its hard for me to put into words what i feel
People stand in judgemnt and don’t think my pain is real.
i try to define my pain in prose
Many pages are filled with my troubles and woe
I wish i could express my turmoil and strife
Even with my loved ones its a lonely life.
No one seems to listen no one seems to care.
I look for understanding everywhere
There is one ray of light that shies on my day
I have a friend far away….
Do you see how i tried to get these feelings out?
I searched for ways to express what you said. Sometimes you have to really get in touch with how you feel. You have to think and try not to repeat yourself. Poems do not have to rhyme but they do need to express a meeage. With that said you are doing better. You have some really god lines here. You just need to take out the repetitions. Respectfully, your friend far away, Sandi
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jeells reviewed Version 3 -
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The idea is there, it just needs some excitement. You seem to say everything in mundane, everyday English. Maybe try some analogy, imagery, symbolism. You seem restricted by the desire to rhyme. Rhyming is okay, but not necessary. The ideas and images should come first. Roget’s International Thesaurus is very useful.
littlegreenpills reviewed Version 3 -
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I am not sure I can get any sense of rhythm or cadence out of this piece – it seems to be just a list of sentences. I am not asking for an Alexander Pope style rhyme scheme, but there does not seem to be any relation in between the different lines. The lack of any discernible rhythm here, plus the subjective disconnect between each one, makes the reader wonder if it even counts as a poem at all. Did you just write each sentence down as soon as you thought of it, holding every single one separate in your mind.
Futhermore I do not really like the ending. It seems like such a minor problem if you can get over it so easily, and minor problems are not worth the effort of writing poetry about – there’s no real sense of anger or despair, just a mild and bovine annoyance. If you were stressed out when you wrote it, then that is probably why – you need to use your mind and your imagination, and you can´t effectively do it when your brain is shutting down. I hope writing it helped you out at the time, but as a piece of art I think this needs more work. Try going over it again when youŕe relaxed, happy and imaginative. Look back on your emotions at the time with a clear eye and a clear mind.
Sonora reviewed Version 3 -
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For a beginner it’s not bad, but as a writer you still seem very immature. That’s not necessarily a bad thing…just means you have a lot of growing to do still.
zeldacatvampire reviewed Version 3 -
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It’s alittle strangely worded and with the rhyming on and off, it just doesn’t help with any flow. Other then that, I’m not sure how to explain it any further but it needs to be more organized
Static reviewed Version 2 -
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Let me just say first that when it comes to reviewers, there are only three types: those who arent helpful, those who are, and those who are just plain arseholes. Those who arent helpful will tell you that your work is great (whether it is or not). Arseholes will find things wrong with your piece and tell you how stupid you are for getting it wrong. Helpful reviewers will be able to tell you a LOT of things you should do to make your piece better, but wont be mean about it. So, I’m not being hard on you, but there is definately room for improvement.
Ok, so your rhymes tend to be really simple and, occasionally, the same rhyming sound is used twice in a row. This isnt a major problem, but it tends to make the rhymes sound forced (something that you’ll want to avoid).
Third line down, you’ve rhymed “I should do” with itself- that’s REALLY something you want to avoid
“releash it” – “release it”
“Bcause” – “Because”
“So I snap out at…” – Should probably be “So I lash out at…”
“angry,that” – “angry, that”
“ill” – “I’ll”
As I said, your main problem with the poem is the forced rhymes. Always strive to make your rhymes seem natural (even unnoticable) or even try free-verse. Good luck with further revisions and your writing in the future!
gbryananderson reviewed Version 2 -
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I am not sure if you know it, but you are writing prose-poetry, which is very hard to do. It is 1st person narrative, no slang, very formal. You are doing a good job because the stream is seamless.
As an editor, I would ask that you do not dbl. space, or capitalize the lines. This is because it should fit on one page and capit. is old-fashioned. That’s just how it is.
I like the lengthy lines with /ab/cd/ef/ rhyme pattern.
Some typos, for exmp. Last line “ill cool.”>>>I’ll cool.
Plz msg.
Blessings, Gregory
l13dj13 reviewed Version 2 -
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your work is really progressing, no spelling mistakes! i still noticed that in some lines it still feels a little bit forced, but that does sometimes seem to happen when you keep on rewriting a piece of work, i suggest leaving it for a whilw and then coming back to it with a fresh mind. it really is sounding good though, well done!!!
thank you
xl13dj13x
Markus reviewed Version 2 -
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First of all, don’t try to force things to rhyme. You start sounding a little like Dr.Zuess! :) Let your words flow from you without structure. You already have the emotion, use it freely. Write what you feel. When you’re angry or hurt,
it just makes you more so to have to think up rhymes. Also, don’t go to bed angry!! :)
AmyWalker reviewed Version 2 -
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This poem is very good, there are a few spelling mistakes but that didn’t bother me apart from this “releash” I’m pretty sure you mean’t release it might’ve been a typo I reckon.
But I thought you did a very good job getting all your emotions out on papaer I mean thats the best stress reliever for me thats for sure!
With abit more polishing up this poem would be great, but the mistakes just makes us more human….
Keep writing you have definite potential theres no doubt about that!
Amy
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