Thanks so much for your review. When I do my next version I’ll keep my eye out for those things.
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Chapter 1 The Tempest
Chapter 1
Abandoned warehouse, San Diego California
December 8th 2002
‘Do you know who I am?’ Chimera asked as he paced the room, his large feet echoing on the rotten wooden floorboards. He looked at the small boy. His eyes, although immobile, screamed fear and agony, a feeling Chimera himself had lived with for the last four years, and they were the years he remembered. He picked up the Zippo. You are Joannie Sceats,, never change, Love Raven. Chimera studied the engraving. Good old Joannie, to bad she’d sold out. He watched as the flame flickered, gracefully dancing in orange and blue bursts before his eyes. Chimera lent down beside the boy, feeling the heat from the small flame seer the end of his thumb. He enjoyed the pain, liked the feeling of his skin lying down to the force of the heat, a force that was even more powerful than he. ‘You may not know who I am, little boy, but it is your death that is going to make the whole world aware of my presence.’ Chimera moved the flame to the edge of the soft and delicate skin on the boys left arm. He listened to the hissing sound of flesh burning, smelled the unique aroma that it produced. Chimera slowly moved the flame away, studied the boys motionless face. He’d injected the boy with Pancuronium, a drug that had a paralysis affect whilst the patient was still awake.
Small doses, Chimera had to burn the boy slowly in order to keep him conscious, he wanted him conscious. Again he drew the flame to the boys arm, this time closer. The skin split and seared away, it reminded him of the way paper burnt. As he drew the flame away again the skin began to blacken, smoke rising from the deep wound. Chimera tore his eyes away from his work and looked up at the clock hanging on the derelict wall. 7.45pm, he could afford five more minutes before he had to move on, he had to take the body away from here and place it where his target would find it. Searching the boy’s eyes again Chimera saw the pain within him, his eyes bulged and pleaded for him to stop. Pleasure roused in Chimera, not because he liked killing, but because he liked his choice in victims. This boy was a good choice, a fighter, he would stay conscious, urging his will to fight against the inevitable.
Chimera eyed the plain grey t-shirt the boy had on, decided to use lighter fluid. He picked up the metallic can of butane and poured it evenly over the small body. He tossed the lighter onto the boy’s stomach, the grey shirt caught alight quickly. Chimera waited for the fire to spread, the mix of yellow and orange flames were bleeding into a red and black colour as smoke rose from the burning body. Once the body was fully alight Chimera grabbed a hold of the camera sitting on the steel desk beside him, the flash went off just as the fire began to rage. The image of the little boys chestnut brown hair and sparkling blue eyes were forever captured in the fiery pits of hell. This was going to be his happy snap for the cops, and his target, but they would have to find it first. He lay the Polaroid down on the desk and picked up the fire extinguisher, pausing for only a second to capture his surroundings in his memory. The putrid and strong but almost enjoyable smell of burnt skin. The blackening walls and floor due to the heavy smoke, and the wooden floorboards which were now turning black but reflecting the colorful flames. Chimera extinguished the boy, a sea of white smoke engulfed the fire. Once the cloud of white cleared the boy’s charcoal body remained. Chimera felt no great joy from killing the boy like most serial killers, after all this boy’s death was not to gain pleasure, it was all part of a greater plan and one that he would carry out at all costs.
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BFrisch reviewed Version 4 -
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He’d injected the boy with Pancuronium, a drug that had a paralysis affect whilst the patient was still awake—sounds redundant. Try: He’d injected the boy with Pancuronium, a strong paralytic.
Chimera is definitely overused. Try “he” instead where it can be easily inferred that you’re not talking about the victim. This will also help with a solid point of view.
Wooden floorboards appears twice—try removing the second instance as it lends to unoriginality.
Okay, enough with the nit-crits. Overall, a pretty strong piece. Engaging, interesting, with good descriptions. One recommendation: I’d avoid the word “aroma” with burnt flesh because it evokes a “pleasant” smell rather than a nauseating one. Unfortunately, I’ve smelled that smell. It’s more smokey-sour than aromatic.
Obviously I’m unable to judge the whole of the story—flow, theme, etc. from one chapter, but you’re off to a good start. I’d definitely read more.
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DHustle reviewed Version 4 -
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I love it. I’m into horror and crime stuff and I found this to be a great read. The only small criticism is a couple of mispelled words and some sentence structure, but that’s not a big deal to me at all, because that can easily be fixed.
GREAT JOB! Keep e’m coming.
oknapp reviewed Version 4 -
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very graphic but very well crafted indeed. The content is disturbing but at least it will arouse the reader. You are a very adept writer. Your descriptions are clean and percise and it flows well. There is action very quickly in the read so it will hook the reader. I like it that you have left us with a cliff-hanger. Very well done, Sandi
thiscantbelife reviewed Version 4 -
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I really love the story and am very curious to see what is going to happen in the next chapter which I am going to read right now. Very curious to see where Chimera is going with his killing spree and the with the meaning of the name he must look absolutely scarey!
Owl_Light reviewed Version 4 -
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Zippo?
Gruesome. Wonderful. I’m frightened of you. It seems so real.
Just one point. The joy you say is felt by most serial killers. This is a generalisation and probably innaccurate. Does anyone know whether or not a serial killer feels joy at the moment of his victim’s demise? Are there any documented studies of this?
Interesting reference to ‘greater plan’. Impels the reader onwards.
Korp reviewed Version 3 -
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”... the small boy, his eyes…”
Start a new sentence by making that comma a period. This correction can be applied to many of your run-on sentences, which are your story’s #1 problem. Your writing style is very breathless; it’s like you’re speeding down a hill with no brakes. Commas are speedbumps: they don’t replace periods and semicolons.
A giant block of text is hard on the readers’ eyes. Use paragraphs to break them up into digestible chunks.
You frequently describe the flames as yellow, orange, and red. This is repetitious and unnecessary; the reader is already knows what colour fire is. If you’re going to describe it, be more creative in your imagery; give us detail and use metaphors and similes to really paint a picture in our minds.
“Pleasure roused in Chimera…”
You say this, and yet at the end state that he did not get any “great joy” out of the burning. So he got a little pleasure out of it, but not much? I’d like this clarified.
DC_Karma reviewed Version 3 -
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‘He looked at the small boy, his eyes, although immobile, screamed fear and agony, just the feeling Chimera himself had lived with for the last four years, and they were the years he remembered.’ I love run-ons in certain writing styles, however, I feel this one slows the reader down for a pause. Perhaps something like, ” He looked at…fear and agony. The same feeling Chimera lived with himself for the last four yers; and those were the years that he remembered.’ It seems to keep the ominous effect and hook, while allowing for a smoother passage for the reader.
’...flame flickered, gracefully dancing in orange and blue bursts before his eyes.’ Good line; effective for imagery. Plus I like the description of the flame, mice that it isn’t ‘licking’ something ;) (An over0used term I find myself over-using :D)
I think you should begin a new paragraph at the line beginning, “he picked up the Zippo…” I also think you could omit lighter from this, as most of us are familiar with what a Zippo is. A coupe of other places to seperate dialogue and make better paragraph structure will make this more reader friendly and easier on the eyes. If you would like specific exameples, just ask me in the comments, I will gladly point out my personal thoughts.
‘As he drew the flame away again the skin begin…’ = began
’...his eyes bulged and screamed…’ His eyes are doing a lot of ‘screaming’; wile many may point out that it’s not a good word to use because eyes do not scream, I think it works. But not repititiously. Maybe his eyes ‘pleaded’ this time?
’...fired pits of hell,...’ fiery?
’...instant print image…’ Polaroid?
’...boy’s charcoal body remained…’ reamains of the boy’s charcoaled body?
All in all, there are some compelling elemants and my curiousity is roused as
to what exactly is Chimera’s ‘greater plan’. Good job on keeping my interest :) I look forward to more.
Panda_Priest reviewed Version 3 -
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Good start, I think this has potential. It’s a pretty interesting way to “off” somebody. It wasn’t difficult or tedious to read. The language is easy flowing, yet descriptive.
There are just a few things that need to be edited.
“Once the cloud of white cleared the boy’s charcoal body remained” There should be a comma after the word, “white”. Keep an eye out for these situations in your work.
“Chimera felt no great joy from killing the boy” This seems to contradict the whole of the chapter where he enjoys inflicting pain on the boy.
“skin begin to blacken” begin should be replaced with began
Thanks for the read :)
NathanD91 reviewed Version 3 -
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This is very interesting. It reminds me of the hitman in Watchers. How he enjoyed killing people. But he doesn’t get any joy out of . It reminded me of the hitman. I wanna read more. I just wonder where you’re going with this. I haven’t read anything like it. I gave you a 10 on both criteria.
I really like the begining how you put the location and the date. It showed you what the place looked like without even describing. You did a great job with this.
paigemc reviewed Version 2 -
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This is certainly quite descriptive, and places the reader in the mind of the killer. There are some problems- remember, the writing has to be good enough that a reader is willing to suspend disbelief. There are some descriptions and actions which readers who like this type of story will immediately see as false. However, the story does flow well, and can easily be tightened up.
One thing to be careful with is the misplaced infinitive. If you use the terms “he” “him” or “his”, it is generally considered to be attached to the named noun immediately preceding. So when you say -Searching the boy’s eyes again Chimera saw the pain within him, his eyes bulged and screamed for him to stop.-- technically it is Chimera’s pain, Chimera’s eyes bulging, etc. There are actually several examples of this.
Note- spell-check, but also look for homonyms: words that sound alike but have different meanings and spellings—like seer and sear.
The lighter—you need to somehow describe the lighter so the reader knows it isn’t a safety lighter. Safety lighters (like Bics, Clics, etc) require a ‘dead man’s release’ so if the user drops the lighter, the flame goes out. Therefore, it couldn’t cause the shirt to catch on fire. The old lighters (like many many years ago Zippos) once sparked would stay lit until closed or out of fluid. And not to get too technical, but that wouldn’t be enough to make the child’s body catch fire and smoke. Human body’s have too high a percentage of water. It takes a little more than this to make it burn the way you describe, unless there is an accelerant used. It wouldn’t blacken the walls or char the floor, either.
Putrid smells = rotten. This was seared flesh. Careful with inappropriate adjectives.
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