ok i will do so…
Poetry / STRESSED (Analysis)
STRESSED
I am stressed, stressed, stressed right down to the vest.
I pace and I pace with my heart racing.
I can’t sit or stand my minds a racing as I keep on pacing.
I try to sit but can’t so I stand up and keep on pacing while my heart keeps on racing.
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Psychonautslog reviewed Version 3 -
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lauthiamkok reviewed Version 3 -
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It will be great if you could add a few lines with a concrete example what you are stressed about as I cannot feel any stress over this writing I am afraid.
“I am stressed, stressed, stressed right down to the vest.”
I think there too many repeated words with no reasons here.
“I pace and I pace with my heart racing.”
It is the same here, I would need a concrete example. and the repeated words with no reasons.
“I can’t sit or stand my minds a racing as I keep on pacing.”
What do you pace or race on?
“I try to sit but can’t so I stand up and keep on pacing while my heart keeps on racing.”
Obviously you need an example here. and the entire writing seems uncompleted.
Hope this help. Cheers.
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JStavros reviewed Version 3 -
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This ones a little odd, it seems forced to me. Poetry doesn’t necessarily have to rhyme, I think you should delve down deeper with this one and tell us what has caused these feelings of stress. Tell us something we all can relate to.
Joel_Mitt reviewed Version 3 -
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This was very repetitive- to the point of absurdity. Try to expand your vocabulary, an easy way to start is to check synonyms of the words you find yourself using multiple times to describe the same thing. It would aid you in better developing the internal strife caused by stress, without being so mundane. The rhyme in this is forced, almost obnoxiously. I know your a beginner, but you can write poetry without rhyme. You can also use phonetic sounds rather than straight rhyme to create a flow to your work. There are hundreds of poetic devices you can put to work for you to expand your palate. You can Google them for some self teaching. Whatever you do, keep writing.
Sonora reviewed Version 3 -
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I don’t feel that there’s much of a flow to the words. I love the rhyming though, especially with the different spellings like stressed and vest.
somethingsimple reviewed Version 3 -
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Okay, so to begin with, I realise you are a beginner at writing poetry, that’s okay, everyone starts somewhere and I think it’s a great idea to get your work out there from the word go so you can pick up constructive criticism and advice early on. I like the idea for this poem and I certainly think you’re on to something, it just needs some work. Your use of alliteration with the ’s’ sounds, (stressed, pace, race), is good, but I think you could do more with it, try and find a better flow or rhythm. The ‘pacing and racing’ words could be used to greater effect… run them just after eachother and you could get a real sense of their meaning. Make the poem race and pace too. Also, you repeat the same ideas in some of the lines, for example the parts about not being able to stand. I understand that repetition might be intentional, but for such a short poem I think more of a variety of ideas would make it more interesting. Really think back to everything you feel when you’re stressed, what it does to your body and mind. . .there’s more than just pacing and racing. Use what you’ve got and add to it. I hope this helped, keep writing! : )
crstarlette reviewed Version 3 -
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Well, I guess there’s a difference between poetic repetition and being redundant, and your poem is the latter. Can you expand by telling us…
what is stressing you out?
more ways your body and mind are responding to stress?
what is going through your mind while it is racing?
I don’t necessarily think all poems need to be long. Sometimes you can say a lot with few words, but in your four lines you repeat the same words and ideas, so not a lot is said or felt. If you want to keep is very short, you can
delete lines 2 and 3
split up line 4 into 2 lines
add “and mind” after “my heart”
To get rid of the overuse of the word “racing,” you could find a different way to say your heat is “racing” or a different way to say your mind is “racing” or you can put them in one line “I pace with my heart and mind racing.”
Perhaps you could end the poem with the end of whatever is stressing you out.
“stressed right down to the vest” sounds cute, like you’re writing for children.
I think of all your lines I like the last line best, but maybe minus the last 6 words.
I hope some of these ideas are useful to you!
Valiantdie1z reviewed Version 1 -
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Hey that’s awesome that you are going to start up writing! I always encourage people who are just starting out. It really frees your soul. As far as your poem, there are a few spelling errors that could be fixed. You might want to change the poem into more stanzas; you have enough words to do so. Also the sit/stand bit is repetitive in it’s current format, but I think if you switched it around it would sound fine. Keep up the writing!
l13dj13 reviewed Version 1 -
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see now this is loads better already… even though you dont have stanzas (which isnt always possible) with this poem you dont need any atall… it is short and to the point… kinda like being stressed is… it is a really good peom… it does need a little refining though. it doesnt quite flow the way that i feel that it could.
thank you very much
xl13dj13x
gbryananderson reviewed Version 1 -
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First of all as an editor I wouldn’t accept this because of the long lines and line spacing. I think it is something written off the cuff without revision. You don’t have spaces between stressed. Yes it may be intentional but to a critic it seems more grammar. You have three lines that you can condense into one beautiful stanza.
The subject of the poem, for me, is when I’ve been on a three day jag, coming off I can’t sit down, stand up, legs shake, need a drink, where’s my meds. You write about this hyperness. I’d like to see one image, and that’s all you need.
Hart is a stag, male deer. Do you mean “heart.”
plural “minds” should be singular, “mind.”
I see the repetition of “hart.” why don’t you write a 3 line analogy of a hart and anxiety?
Blessings, Gregory
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