wow…it never ceases to amaze me at how emotional i get when i read that yall like “Your Hands”. Thank you so much for giving me confidence to keep writing and posting! I am a very straight forward writer by nature and some people are unnerved and turned off by it but i am so glad it works for you!
Short Story / Your Hands
Today I realized that I no longer see your hands. I don’t picture your long fingers and broad palms. I cannot recall the fine hair trailing lightly down your wrists. I have lost the feel of your fingers perfect movements dancing on my skin. I know that it is all still there but I don’t see it now. Your image has faded over time while I was busy not noticing your absence. And the bittersweet part is that until today I hadn’t fully believed you were gone.
Today I am going to a place that will be punctuated with you. It will reek of your presence and I am not sure if I care anymore. That is why I am going, you know. I have to be able to be engulfed by your memory and feel nothing. It is time.
You will bring her. I will bring him. We have to, for, you see, the invitation says, “and Guest”. And for the first few hours we will all pretend not to see one another and the not-quite-quick-enough glances being thrown past the unsuspecting shoulders of other party-goers. Then, with the help of cocktails and lowered guards, accidentally we will find ourselves on the cusp of the same conversation. Out of courtesy your girl will give me some insincere compliment that doesn’t come across quite right and, predictably, my boy will try and make small talk with you to deflect some of the blatantly remaining chemistry. But you and I, we just stare.
This is not a new game. The rules are unchanged. We know what the odds are and we manipulate them well. We will part company with the lie of “all getting together soon” knowing how the rest of the evening will play out. She will cry and accuse you of still loving me. He will be cold and curt all evening while never admitting anything is wrong. We will all go home and once safely there act as if none of this occurred. And for weeks this night will remain right under the surface, untouched. But there is always a next time.
I should’ve let go long before now. I know this as surely as I know that, for now, I am happy. I have no regrets for us or for you except that I held you too tightly and needed you too much. But they truly aren’t regrets either because they have been my life. Memories that will engorge me at times and torture me none the less when the past comes creeping like chills in my empty bed. And then, when I need it most, some long since forgotten image of us, laughing and shining, encompasses me and I remember that it all worked out just right.
You see, I loved you. I love you still. Yet I have come to accept that I loved you for who I wanted you to be equally as much as for who you really were. I loved you because in you I could see greatness. I could see so much beauty and strength. I still can. But now I also understand that you don’t want people to see that. I pushed too hard and wanted too much. You like it easy and without pressures. You revel in the quiet calm of mediocrity. That is what makes you. And I loved and despised that.
I remember the day you finally called me on it. You asked if it would ever be enough. And as I looked up from my book I was saddened by the look in your eyes. It was a look of fear at the answer. It was a look of defeat at already knowing. It was a look of pain at the knowledge and possibly a look of regret at finally having asked.
We tried to ignore it. We tried desperately hard and for a while things went about as usual. Except when you would look up and catch me watching you. You said it made you uncomfortable. You said it was like I was sizing you up. But what I never said was that I wasn’t. I never once said that I watched you because I knew you were the most beautiful man I would ever encounter. I never once spoke up and said I watched you because you moved me beyond words simply by breathing. I never tried one time to tell you that sometimes I ached in your presence. I guess I should have.
I am not without flaw. You know I have many. I am marred and mistaken as well. That is my penance. But for a while we were perfect in ourselves, as ourselves, by ourselves. We were untouchable. Maybe a person can only stand so much wonder in a lifetime and that made it our time to end.
Your version of this story will be much different than mine. I am certain of that. For I will see the truth that is mine and you will see things as they really were, literally and without context. You believe our lives come without preface and commence not needing an epilogue. Perhaps that is why you could walk away.
I told you I’d wait forever. I said I would never doubt you. Did you believe me? Did I lie? I have. I don’t. You do. I did. There are minutes and hours and days and weeks between us now. Gaps of time our memory may not be able to bridge. I do not want to know what you are doing now. I have no desire to hear her name as it sounds rolling off your lips. I will never want to learn about the past you have cultivated during this expanse. And I will never tell you the secrets of mine.
I do know that I miss you. I have no doubt you miss me. But I am trying to turn you into a ghost. Our friends have told me my name spills from your lips without thought and you blush at your carelessness while surveying their reaction. In some sad way this gives me pleasure and in some pleasurable way it makes me sad.
I saw you once, a few years back, from across a crowded street. You were speaking to a man and a little girl. I opened my mouth to call to you and at that exact moment you threw back your head and laughed. You laughed with the infectious, resounding music that I remember echoing down the halls of our home. Were you laughing at something the young girl said? Was it a joke passing between you and a friend or perfect stranger? Either way I closed my lips and got in my car, afraid the call of my voice would cut short that noise I did once so love. And as I drove away, I cried.
But the world didn’t stop for us. I went on without you and you plowed ahead without me. We have made seperate lives and written new verses. I am happy with my life. I can only assume you are happy as well.
Sometimes I still panic and forget to breathe. Sometimes I still think I feel too much. I know I still push too hard and hold too tightly. I know I am still flawed and dirty. But he loves it all. He is in love with me for who he wants me to be equally as much as for who I really am. That is where you went wrong. You just loved me. You loved without hesitation or reservation. You loved me and I was scared.
I have seldom since found another man’s hands on my body without remembering the grace of yours. I have never found any as beautiful. I have never wanted another’s hands to rob me of my sanity and then give it back as perfectly as you. I truly loved your hands. I truly loved you, for all the days that we were and most of the ones that we were not. Sometimes I believe I still do.
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jezabel reviewed Version 1 -
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“past comes creeping like chills in my empty bed” this is an amazing line.
Your words really remind me of my first love, but beautiful as they are, you must move on in life and know that you will find another man just as good if not better. I felt the same way when I broke up with him, but about 2 years later I found a man I could love more then I ever knew I could and when I had a son I found out that I could love even more. But your writing is simply wonderful and you have a great talent. I would not be surprised if you do become a published author.
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Monessa2005 reviewed Version 1 -
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Your image has faded over time while I was busy not noticing your absence. This line I would restructure alittle. Maybe by saying… Your image had faded over time, while I took no noctice of your absence. Seems that it would flow better this way just my opinoin.In my opinion this story is a very good description of someone who cannot let go of lost love. It flows well and descriptors are very good, although I did see a few sentences like the one above that I would consider revising for the sake of flow. Other than that very Good story. Enjoyed reading it.
zoeticrain reviewed Version 1 -
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The most powerful line in this piece to me was this: “Today I am going to a place that will be punctuated with you.”
I thought the tone and the feeling were wonderfully created. Little things like the line about “and Guest” and playing the “game” of not seeing each other across the room are natural and realistic. The piece is not forced, and it doesnt seem overly sentimental. I love the honesty and simplicity of the piece.
The last stanza is breathtaking, in my opinion. The strongest line in the end is, “I have never wanted another’s hands to rob me of my sanity and then give it back as perfectly as you”. You may even consider using that as your closing line, if you move it past the sentence stating how you truly loved him. You could also consider eliminating “Sometimes I believe I still do”. I think it’s unsaid, and would be stronger without being presented to the reader. Lovely piece.
Tandyman reviewed Version 1 -
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Great job. Beautifully written and full of painful honesty. I very much liked the way you opened and closed with the theme of the hands. Normally, I am all about “I want more description of who these people are!” but this story worked with the simplicity with which you crafted it. It didn’t need any more. The description of the hands was all i needed. And I have to point out this great line: “In some sad way this gives me pleasure and in some pleasurable way it makes me sad.” I have had that feeling numerous times and that is the best way to describe I’ve read!
But, still, I have to say there was something missing. Perhaps because this is written so much as a letter to the ex, but I find myself wondering “Why?” Why did she write this to him? Is it just some nostalgic thinking on her part? Is she wanting to get back with him? Or, perhaps this is just some unburdening for her, a way of letting go? The feeling I get from the story now is that she is merely telling us what she is feeling, with no real conflict or tension. Characters need to change in a good story – or at the least recognize they should and refuse – and nothing changed in this. And I think answering the “Why” might help that. Just a suggestion.
Again, I truly did enjoy this piece and your writing style. Keep it up and I look forward to reading more!
easaraby reviewed Version 1 -
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This moved me to tears. Seriously. It’s very well written and emotional. So many conflicting and strong feelings are dwelling in here… truly, a fantastic job. I feel like quoting you.
writer4life13 reviewed Version 1 -
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Great voice and manner of expressing yourself! I can truly hear the character say how much she misses the man and his hands. I also think you did a wonderful job on painting a picture. In the beginning, you used such great details, I could actually see your every word. Great job, and keep up the good work!
~Writer4life13
SincerlyTee reviewed Version 1 -
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After reading this – I ache.
“You believe our lives come without preface and commence not needing an epilogue.” – This line is perfect.
You could’ve pulled this out of my journal (like so many other women). I truely enjoy your style. You don’t spare one feeling.
Can I HUMBLY suggest only that you describe the charecters. I’m big on visuals. I felt every little feeling, but I couldn’t quite picture it. But, this is just me – I love to see the charecters as well as feel them.
All in all, can I please say I agree with everyone above and say – BRAVO!! – Providence is what put you into my favorites, but this piece is my favorite.
I cannot say enough – I am still aching :)
allthingsconsidered reviewed Version 1 -
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very rarely do i rate anyone a 10, a perfect, but your piece is definately that. i felt what you felt, i loved and longed and accepted as you did, all when you did. it was incredible. great job. i must say, ditto the guy above me on combining the pieces, i think they both stand better alone. please, keep writing. :)
February 13, 2006
Deleted User
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This is even better than your other piece that I reviewed. I don’t think that you should combine them to be coming from the same speaker though. This has a completely different tone. She seems to have been more giving in this relationship than the other one and I don’t think that the two would mesh well. I have to agree with the previous reviewer that I was emotionally moved by this piece. Great job!
wrytergrrrl reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not sure if this can really be considered a “story” as it seems more like just a letter written from one person to another, but I was so moved by it that in the end I didn’t care what kind of writing “category” it falls under. I have to admit I had tears in my eyes by the end of the piece, which I’m sure anyone who has ever been in a relationship that has ended would understand. The way you have written this is very relatable and strikes a very real cord in the reader. I have to say bravo to you.
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