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Action Adventure / Jac'Kul Part 3 (Analysis)
Schneider raised a katar and drew his arm back to stab it through his face. He held him up by his armored vest like he was a toddler, the tips of the assassin’s boots scraping the ground. The blade gleamed wetly with his blood.
“You…you filthy thief!” Acid green eyes stared at him with such scathing fury he could swear he smelled his fur was smoldering. The elfin, boyish face was contorted in a feral snarl baring pointed teeth that shined in his gray-violet hued face.
Jac’kul’s head lolled on his shoulders as he hung limply in the zurcroux royal’s grip. He couldn’t see for the blood masking his face. His limbs trembled fiercely and he bled, the stabs and gashes he received thankfully unfelt from the tingling numbness lightning left behind.
“Not only did you steal away my captive, who I rightfully obtained, you have the scrot to trick me!?”
His accent was thick with his rage. He was drawn in closer as he felt Schneider shift his grip. Hot breath wafted under his chin. “Once I soak the dirt with your lifeblood, assassin ape, I will have the crows pick your corpse clean and your bones fashioned into my footstool.” Even though the haze of red obscured his vision, he could see the predatory sneer. “One by one I will slaughter the ‘friends’ you claim to fight for. The wolf-woman. The liger-man. The flion-girl. The gryphon warlord. And any others that get in my way. Then I will retrieve my alchemist.”
“Heh…” A weak chuckle escaped him. Bile turned to sludge in his throat.” You think that you can just do whatever you wish, eh? If your queen wants something, you fetch it?
Even if it’s a person. “He laughed again.” You must really love that queen.”
Jac’kul realized he had been thrown after he’d stopped sliding through dead leaves and smashed into a log. Bits of soft, rotted wood and many insects skittered over him. He could hear his bones grinding in protest as he attempted to rise.
Hands grabbed him. He was lifted up again. His back met with the trunk of a tree. Through the haze of pain he was able to hear the zurcroux snarl at him. Cold metal bit into the flesh of his neck.
“If you haven’t insulted me enough,” he spat.” That wanton whore who sits at my sire’s side calls herself queen. She is nothing but a concubine in the guise of a princess. How dare you suggest that I hold any love for her?”
“Then why…why all this? Why do you need Terah so badly?”
“Since your death will please me, I’ll allow you the answer you so desperately grasp for. The Alchemist is a rare wonder. She can heal nearly any injury, purge any poison, and even grant life to those far from it. That alone makes her valuable.” Schneider was nonchalant.” My sire needs healing. As much as I desire his death, I would much rather he be alive and remain king than have the whore lord over my people.”
“So you’re just a prince concerned about the welfare of your kingdom?” His pulse fluttered weakly against the cold metal. The blade would soon slice in to sever it. “How noble…but you still haven’t answered me why you want Terah back so badly.”
“Her skills are still required. Her job isn’t done.”
“Oh? And what would happen to her after she’s completed her task? Would you let her go?”
“She’s mine afterwards.”
A cold stillness pooled into his gut. So even if Terah had cooperated and treated this king so desperately in need of a cure, she would have been held as a prisoner regardless.
“Does that answer please you?”
“…Funny,” Jac’kul wheezed. “A fancy lad such as yourself; wouldn’t have guessed you would need to kidnap and imprison someone to be your companion.”
The blade lifted away from his neck to position itself before his third eye. He stared at its point without fear. At least…at least he would die having tried. Jac’kul bared his own fangs in a grim bloodied smile.
Sorry, Boss…he thought. I guess I can’t keep that promise I made. You’ll have to kick my ass in my next life.
The blade drew back and punched into his face.
A tiger’s coughing roar shook the air. Bright yellow light flared in the darkness above. Schneider’s head snapped up. The katar sliced into his ear instead.
The wailing cry of a wolf accompanied it. Bright blue radiance swarmed out from the trees to strike the zurcroux royal from the side. Jac’kul could clearly see the shocked expression before he was torn away and sent spinning into the undergrowth. Without Schneider holding him up he crumpled, head bouncing where it struck the earth. He lay there with his face buried in the dirt.
The cavalry had arrived.
____________
Lightning blazed furiously. Undergrowth and tree were torn away and reduced to ash. Outlined in electric heat, Schneider burst up. Eyes that were bloodshot with rage swept to the sky.
Silhouetted by the rising green autumnal moon, a shape knifed out of the evening, howling like a lonesome wolf all the while. Dark hair streaming, the wolf-eared girl dove at him with a blade flashing in a silver arc.
Instinctively he crossed his katars before him. A blade of pure air rent whatever stood in its way, tree trunks and vegetation shredded like so much paper. His heels bit into the soil as the force of her sword swing drove him backwards.
“Persistent son of a bitch, aint’cha?”
The wolf-eared woman stood on air, sword held at her side casually. The crafted crystal shone transparently in the moonlight. Her blue eyes held an amber gleam.
Schneider sneered at her. The wound in his torn lip frothed blood. “Wolf-bitch…”
“I see you’re missing your little accessory,” she said, gesturing at her lip and ear. “Wonder who did that. Looks like it hurt.” An easy smile accompanied her words.
Schneider watched her cautiously. His eyes scanned the gloom for any sign of the source of the big cat’s roar. Her liger-man and wolf companion seemed to be absent.
“Only you?”
Her smile didn’t falter. “Just me.”
He scraped his katars together, flinging sparks. “Then you already know what I want. What do you want?”
Whatever trace of casualness evaporated. Her wolfish ears flattened and her face creased with anger.
“I want you to leave my friends the fuck alone.”
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Daemalous reviewed Version 1 -
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Senkia reviewed Version 1 -
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“Schneider raised a katar and drew his arm back to stab it through his face.” You should write who’s face that way you avoid confusion.
“His limbs trembled fiercely and he bled, the stabs and gashes he received thankfully unfelt from the tingling numbness lightning left behind.” You should have written “as he bled” rather than “and he bled”
“Once I soak the dirt with your lifeblood, assassin ape, I will have the crows pick your corpse clean and your bones fashioned into my footstool.” First off you put lifeblood, which blood is sufficient. Secondly you put each quotation in a new paragraph.
Unfortunately I have to leave, I think this writing has potential. But you have to work at it. The idea from what I see is good. Good luck in your future writings.
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oneshot92 reviewed Version 1 -
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Very good narrative. wonderful imagination. Your passionreally shows.
Close up the gaps, tab your paragraphs, and tab your dialogue. these things will help you wiyh the flow. you don’t want anything slowing down the reader.
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