Poetry / SDF

Not so very long ago
I met a stranger
Who handed me the world
In a brown paper sack
Grease-stained and smeared
With the fingerprints of
Another womans child.

And while doing so he laughed
Bitterly because we both
Knew that the reflection
Of love in his eyes had always
Been me
Yet hand me down emotion
Would never be excuse
Enough for lacking all that
I deserve.

Or was it desire
Because now I cannot wash
Him from my hands or my sheets
Whether it is blood, sweat, tears,
Or something altogether different
And far too primitive to name.

Sadly, now he fits perfectly
Into the space that was once
Held hollow in anticipation
Of his arrival, alone,
Though to my surprise
Without my ever believing
I have cultivated room for
One more if ever given the
Chance.

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Reviews

February 25, 2006

sous_lepontmirabeau

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
40	90.0% (20 votes)	17.2%

personal info reviewer stats

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
20	F	United States	June 27

sous_lepontmirabeau reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

I really like the first, third and fourth verses. I wouldn’t change anything about them!

For some reason, I really stumbled on the second verse. I can’t explain why. I just feel like you skip imagery/description and instead describe all of the emotion bluntly. I’m not saying bluntness is a bad thing; in some cases, it works really well. However, in this case, the second verse just doesn’t seem to quite “fit” with the rest of the poem. Maybe I’m just picky!

Regardless, this is a great piece. I did enjoy it immensely. Wait for a few reviews before you make any decisions regarding it.

Keep writing, this is good work!