i’m confused as to what you’re referring to… what ‘my’ are you referring to? it’s not the last line of the poem… hmm..
thanks for taking the time!
Poetry / It's Only a Secret if We Can Keep it Quiet
Oh, I’ve found the key to
this euphoria.
So, what i strive to see
is the reality
of the dream that is
you and me.
(musical intro-lude)
I am not ashamed,
relatives are to blame
for the silence.
I do not care, but
blood won’t let me share
my heart’s truth.
I should say, but i dont dare—
dare to defy—
closed minds and blind eyes.
Closed to the idea of change
blind to the beauty.
It’s only a secret
if we can keep it,
keep it quiet.
(Hush hush, we gotta be quiet)
How much longer
must i deny it?
Cant kiss her, cant touch her:
it’s forbidden.
I need her, to feel her:
cant keep it hidden.
I steal a kiss:
no one will ever know.
I feel her skin:
only when the lights are low.
I no longer care to fight,
fight my rationale
or my imposed better judgment.
The futile attempts were wasted:
I realize that now.
I was wrong to hide…
I wanna live
instead of merely survive.
It’s only a secret
if we can keep it,
keep it quiet.
(Hush hush, we gotta be quiet)
How much longer
must i deny it?
It’s forbidden:
if they found out,
what would we do?
What would we say?
There’s no excuse.
No explanation required;
cant rationalize
what we’ve redefined.
Each moment spent
serves to transcend
typical interpretation.
All the fears:
throw them aside.
It’s time,
time to swallow my pride.
So it’s a secret
and i try to keep this,
keep this quiet.
(Hush hush, we gotta be quiet)
How much longer
should i deny it?
A love that’s only found
behind locked doors,
in dark places—
so no one knows a thing.
A love that can only take
place in the confines-
locked inside my mind,
suspended in my dreams.
I’m not ashamed of anything—
how could I be?
You’re the best thing
to ever happen to me
no matter what anyone thinks.
Part of stepping up and speaking out
is realizing blame can fall
no farther than the source—
no farther than the reason.
I am the source without a reason-
a reason to ignore the reality.
I fail to reveal the true me-
leaving others to pass judgment
based only on what I let them see.
I assume you make assumptions:
I make an ass out of me, not you.
It’s only a secret
if we can keep it-
for now, we’ll keep it quiet.
Hush hush we’re keepin’ it quiet.
I’m not ready, so i’ll still deny it.
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wordwan reviewed Version 3 -
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Ahhh…no. And these are lyrics?
Ahh…no. Thanks but no. There is something about this piece that is being too drawn out. And the words at the beginning of a song are supposed to drag me in. They aren’t. Just my view. Luck to you.
Heather
wordwan
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Nikia reviewed Version 3 -
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This is a little sing songy but more in the poetry sense than the lyrical one. I think if you just changed a few key words to shorten the lines it would be an awesome song. I really like the message the lyrics convey also. It is pretty clear cut to me but maybe others would misunderstand according to your introductory information. overall, i like it. It shows great talent and potential for more.
Naushad reviewed Version 3 -
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A beautiful love poem. The age of the poet is inscribed on the lines. An older poet would write differently.
The use of rhyme, both masculine and feminine, is great.
The refrain too is nice. Probably this poem can be sung if set to music.
The use of the odd run-on-line is also effective.
Only the last word of the poem, “my” seems out of place. Perhaps it ought to be “me”.
raindragon16 reviewed Version 3 -
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It seems you are implying incest of some sort.
“I am not ashamed,
relatives are to blame
for the silence.
I do not care, but
blood won’t let me share
my heart’s truth.”
This says it strongest.
The lyrics have passion, but the imagry is very lacking so it looses me. There isn’t even a mention of a bed to imply sex, just emotions. But even emotions can do more. For example, you could say “I’m angery.” but instead you say, “I’m as angry as a red tornado.” This shows the emotion, plus attaches an image for the reader or listener.
ScotsmensQuill reviewed Version 3 -
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Okay… the lyrics are fairly decent here. In fact, they might rate a good old 8 or 9 in my book but i’d have to hear it set to music first. The flow is pretty decent to and the story you tell is very easy to follow and I do love and enjoy a tune that actually says something. Yours certainly does say something here and I find it deep and meaningful as well. I think you could focus a bit more, perhaps add another verse before the interlude, that sort of focuses on the “forbidden” type of love here. Other than that, my opinion is that you’ve done a nice job! Keep it up!
Fizz_e_o reviewed Version 3 -
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Before I start, let me tell you that I am looking at these from a poets point of view, but I have a love of music, so I hope to do you justice.
The theme is clear, and well presented. I wouldn’t say that its sounds selfish and CONSUMED, selfish yes, consumed; not so much. Maybe a little bit arrogant, but in a good use of it; and yes, it soon fades to some sort of acceptance, with a hint of denial which is a great twist I think. I also like how you use assumtions “I assume you make assumptions” a great way to turn a word on it’s head.
The long verse, beginning “part of stepping up…” does well at changing the ‘flavour’ of the final chorus.
A couple of suggestions; switch the lines “no farther than the source—//no farther than the reason.” around as I think it would allow the rest of the verse to flow without sounding stilted. Also leave “not you” from the last line, I think it would sound better without.
A great first draft.
wesguptill reviewed Version 3 -
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The reason for this score (of 6) is not for the content but rather the formatting. Lyrically speaking this would be one tough piece to set to music that would reside gently wihtin the ear. That’s the thing about lyrics: they have to work with music, and i am not sure that this thing can pull that off. However, as free verse it is wonderful. I enjoyed the imagery, both expicit and abstract. More work like this would be greatly enjoyed by this reviewer. A little depressing, but solid work nonetheless.
Thanks for the good read.
Good luck, and keep writing.
Eden reviewed Version 3 -
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Wow. I really have no criticism for this. The rhythm and meter are good (can’t here the music, so I can only regard it in terms of poetic content). The image of the narrator comes through powerfully. It intelligent, direct, evocative and has strength, humility and a dose of humor.
cooljim102055 reviewed Version 1 -
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hi there,
well i like it..i really like the title too..that’s cool..the only thing that i might d=find wrong with this is that it might be too long for a song…(especially if your talking radio play..it’s not radio friendly and that’s importtant) but in general, it’s good and well written..you got yourself some talent there…good luck with it..(and keep writing!)
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