Thank you for your understanding my poem. It was written with my broken heart at the time. I’m a bit better now :O)
Poetry / If God spared not the Angels (Analysis)
I wish there was something that
I could do to stop me from thinking about
you every morning as the sun sparkles in the
world as my heart and soul revel in the feeling of
your presence as though we are connected through
our existence because once we were one in the same
entity split apart by God’s hands to fulfill our
destinies and earn the right to be joined back
together to whence we came from eternal
bliss, suffering the agony and desperate longing of
separation no more My heart pounding within my
breast at the slightest thought of you and I
together again for all the masses to witness.
Eternally in love and loved by God
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Jembaboy reviewed Version 4 -
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This is a very personal piece, obviously written at a moment of strong emotion, as your reviewer notes point out. There lies its strength, and its weakness. It is powerful, and reads like a breathless outpouring of feeling. But it also lacks structure, and as a result loses some of its potential power. The 14 line format suggests a sonnet, but there’s no consistent rhythm or rhyming scheme that I can discern. I’m a great believer that much of power of poetry comes from the tension between structure and meaning, the ambiguity of meaning and the formality of versification. If you were to re-work this into a recognisable sonnet, you could produce a powerful poem, breath-taking rather than breathless. The discipline of punctuation, rhythm and rhyme and produce new meaning and power.
Four lines in, my expectations were raised, as you moved from the general to the particular (from hope, to sparkling sun) and surprisingly back again (in the world). But instead of a continuing dance between the world of ideas and the world of things, the rest of the poem remains firmly in general concepts, and even lapsing into cliche (the pounding heart). But despite that, it retains some power, and it’s worth looking at again.
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dylanmatthews reviewed Version 4 -
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I like this poem. I am fond of anything that is written in the moment. With this piece you can clearly tell it was and I don’t mean this because of any needed revision. The lines envoke such passion and emotion. The line -to fulfill our destinies and earn the right to be joined back together, placed in the middle of the piece is an interesting turning point and shows some kind of understanding regarding what has happened. I wouldn’t rewrite this or revise it at all because of the importance it has as a piece written from the heart.
Russell_Parkway reviewed Version 4 -
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This poem can be vastly improved if the proper punctuation points were inserted. Periods and commas are necessary in any form of writing. From the beginning you’ve gone 9 lines for just one sentence. This could greatly ruin your chances of getting attention from an agent or publisher. Once that part is corrected you’re on your way.
PenelopeMV reviewed Version 4 -
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You need a lot of breath to get through this one.I do note that you want the poem to exist as one long cojoined thought, but it’s just too much. The lines do need to be broken up just so that the reader can stop and enjoy them.KInda like sippin iced tea. You don’t want to down it in one gulp:) I wish you had used the title somewhere in the poem. Like the alliteration of the sun sparkling. It has a nice ring to it.Best of luck to you.
SimonTrust reviewed Version 4 -
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It’s intresting. It’s almost like a sad, drunken thought (in a good way). Something abstract yet you can tell where the core is. It’s not to complex although it can appear that way and I love how it can be applied to many different idea’s such as a dead reletive or lost relationship. It’s very poetic in that it kind of floats above the reader, but not everyone likes that. I think publishers and agents would like it. Good luck!
gbryananderson reviewed Version 1 -
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Is this a steam of consciousness? It reads so.
What I like about this are the seamless thoughts.
Stucture/form: 1 tight stz., no even length of syallables or words,
Nitpicking list: 2nd, 3rd, 10th lines are capit. no reason to do this. interrupts the flow.
subject/theme: In the beginning it reads as a male narrator, but then the word, “breast” turns it to female.
title: god spared angels.
I don’t want to be too harsh here to turn you off. But, you need to revise this. Get some imagery going and a core subject.
You have a lot of talent.
Blessings, Gregory
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