Novel Treatments / Red

Long ago, when the streets were still cobblestone and littered with the rats infested with fleas and disease roamed freer than the people, there would be the bodies of the dying and starving paving a way from boulevard to boulevard. The brothels lining the roads through the city housed sexual desires that would stop men in the middle of the streets of Paris, the city of l’amour.

Love: you could gain it on any street corner and wench your carriage passed by, at least for one night. Penniless families had no qualms to send their daughters to the brothel to collect enough money to buy a meager loaf of bread a night. Some of the decaying corpses were those who had been too slow or too quiet for their lovers, who would pull out a knife and slit their pretty little throats should their pleasure seeking be compromised.

There had been one place near a theater where absinthe and wine intermingled, creating the deepest of reds and greens. They had beautiful French girls with thin-laced corsets and pale throats, skirts that fell down off their hips and legs smoother than the most expensive of silks. Legs would spread for any wishing to find a good night among the passionate embrace of another.

A lingering scent masked the building; the sturdy lamp-lit rooms smelled of flowers. Even in the harsh winter, snow piling up outside the door too high for the customers to get in, having to climb through the windows on the second story, the smell would be there. The owner said it was from the spirit of a young woman who had been murdered in the upstairs after the rich man she lay with became distraught from the drink. He had soaked the bed with her blood; the owner stating that he had guzzled it down his throat in waves of scarlet.

It was where the smell came from, more overpowering that the perfumes of the courtesans who poured the scents in rivets down their suckled necks. The taste of their skin was always masked; alcohol and fragrance too strong, but when people allowed their lustful urges to overcome their minds, sending them spiraling into the oblivion of sweet nothings and heavy pants, they always reported that the girl’s would taste like flowers. The room became famous; girls in and out every hour of the day, their drunken lovers following behind with their fingers already pulling at the pants that covered their legs.

The rich loved it there for they were shrouded in darkness of the night and throws of passion. Their voices were unrecognizable, their money the only thing of importance. They could slip in, only the tips of their guiltless fingers covering their faces, and no one on the street would notice or care. They would come, their laces tucked behind cloaks and hands already trailing over the soft curve of another woman’s breast.

Sable always entered through the back door. Seldom knew of it and even fewer used it; the harlots and the younger boys tending to the food and drink knew that he came and went as he pleased. He was well paying, even when he did not lay a single finger on their heated flesh or the smooth folds between their legs or drink from the cups or eat from their plates.

Sex never took place in the back, where the girls would lay on small cots of hay and tend to their wounds or clean the slick seed from their innards. One boy always came with fresh cotton, sometimes soaked in the wine to clean the fresh gouges in their sides from nails that grabbed more than stroked. The plain cotton was for when the women would bleed—the customers complained heavily about the blood if they were not the ones at fault. It was never loud in the back, but when the door would open when a woman left or came back every person would clutch their ears, unused to the piercing cries of both pleasure and pain, sound of breaking glass and swears.

The place was a sanctuary of peace, a place where the woman could rest and eat. The owner was a kind man in a perverse sense; he did not ask for silver or gold as payment for them to sleep in the back and drink the beer or eat the stew. He expected services of sex, which were as most of the girls stated was far more disgusting than laying with a stranger. The proprietor was missing his first two teeth, the others rancid and falling from his mouth, and one of the younger girls explained, with a hint of repugnance as she took a swallow from the steaming bowl of soup in her lacquered fingers, how he had the tendency to bite into their breasts with his yellowed teeth, leaving abnormal bruising and bite marks.

Tonight, when he came in from the bitter cold of a dreary September night, not long after the sun had set, was much different than the others. Sable would normally sit with the women, hold the hot tea they would offer him until it went cold and he could safely pour in into the bucket near his feet while no one was looking. The simple act of being with the women and boys fed his desire, curbing his lust for blood, at least for a short while. It made him feel human again, something that, as the time passed by in swirls of hot blood and moonlight, was becoming infrequent and more difficult to achieve. He expected the scent of warm bodies and alcohol, soup and flowers but his nostrils were overcome with blood, thick and moist overcoming all sensations.

The first step took an eternity; all he could feel was the thirst perpetually growing in his stomach, raw and powerful, an urge he seldom could control when it got to such an uncontrollable level. Just walking into the room, the lights playing trick on him as he looked around.

Martinique, the girl of fourteen with voluptuous breasts and a rounded face with deep blue eyes like the sea, lay on the hay bed; her legs spread open wide, a gush of blood coming forth like wine, deep and sweet. There was a small bump as her abdomen, the muscles constricting as she let out a scream. One of the boy’s spilled water across her face, but it was red with pain and contorted with shame.

“I thought it was gone,” Martinique screamed as a particularly harsh wave of pain touched her. Sable could smell even fresher blood come from her womb. “I thought it was gone, I thought I killed it, oh my lord I thought in was gone!”

Taking a few hesitant steps forward, for a moment the fledgling resisted the urge to turn and run. Childbirth, he had been alive for twenty-three years in human form and never once saw the act. Now, alive in a body that would not die, every new feeling brought forth was like an infant opening its eyes. Which was what a child would do, perhaps, if the girl could deliver. She was too young, too small, her body not capable to carry a child.

One of the women turned to him, her face streaked with a sharp line of blood that stood out against her pale nose. Her French was not excellent but she managed to get out the words. “Help, please sir! She cannot deliver the monster on her own!”

Sable’s fingers felt sticky. The words lingered in the air, accentuated by Martinique’s shrill scream of unadulterated pain. “I… I know no medicine.”

“Matters not!” One of the boys stated fiercely, reaching into his satchel to pull out some thin cotton. “Staunch the bleeding or she and the baby will die! None here can do it, our nails and hands are too tough; we will rip her open.”

The blood… the smell invaded every one of his senses, but, when he opened his pale eyes to look the young girl held on her face, one of absolute fear and hopelessness was one that stayed in Sable’s mind. He had, not a year before, seen the same look on his brother’s face as he was turned. How could he ignore the similarities, even for that brief moment? He had not let Light suffer so terribly, and he would not stomach the thought of doing it to another.

Too long had it been since he saw his sweet brother’s face or his soft and mesmerizing breathing and just seeing Martinique’s sweaty face lacking all color, he mutely nodded, pulling his cape off, sending it tumbling to the ground.

“Boiling water and cloth to wrap the child in.” And so he began, sending boys running around the kitchen, passing by women who offered their underskirts as the needed cloth. Martinique’s soft hand against his own and her moans blocked out, for the briefest of moments his blood lust was quenched.

Its small feet wriggling, the boys poured water over the opening to help the breached child squirm out of the woman’s opening, another placing cool rags across the mother’s forehead.

Sable plunged his hands in, grabbing the child’s bottom with one hand, helping to guide the body out. Its head popped out last, deep red hair covered in blood and gore.

So tiny, that small baby was in his arms and so tiny was the breath Martinique let out when the pain of the contractions finally ended. Her eyes were bleary and before she could look at the small child who she had carried in her body she was asleep, in a fit slumber only a woman who gave birth could have.

He had helped bring a child into the world, where its mother was a whore and the father just another name and fee. It was a beautiful tiny thing, too small because of its premature birth.

Tiny wisps of red hair and feeble fingers that grasped so lightly at his bloodstained shirt, the marvelous little boy in his undead hands was one of the most beautiful sights he knew he would ever see. The little boy didn’t cry very much, only once when Sable had pinched his rear to make the liquid in his mouth cough up.

It slept in his arms, none of the girls, who had after an hour been rushed back into the brothel so they could begin their night’s work, attempting to do more than coo at him. Suckling on its thumb, the red-haired baby’s deep brown eyes penetrating into every nerve the vampire had. The mother, in a brief spout of lucidity, told Sable with her soft, childish voice to name it before falling back into the oblivion sleep brought her.

Sitting by the hearth, the boys offering him broth and wine that he rejected, the fair-haired man stared down. There was no yearning for blood, even though the place reeked of it, more than the aroma of flowers. There was just contentedness. As the warmth licked his cold skin that he kept away from the child to keep it from getting the chills, the baby’s name came to his tongue.

“His name will be Gabriel,” Sable stated, fingering a lock of red. “Gabriel, one of God’s most beloved angels.”

Later that night, a few hours before the sun rose high up into the Parisian sky, Sable drank the blood of three men. They all could have been brothers, with their long crimson hair and deep, cavernous chocolate eyes. He left their bodies in the piles of dead and dying, knowing the path he had already chosen and where it would lead.

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SwordMistress avatar General Stranger

October 03, 2008

SwordMistress Prolific-icon-medium

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SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

You have a gift for language, and have an intriguing setting and interesting characters. Having said that I’m really sure where this story is going. Is it going to be about Sable? Gabriel? It should be clear in the first chapter where this story is going.
There’s kind of disconnect here. First you start the story with “long ago,” like someone is telling a story. Then suddenly were transported back in time and action begins.

Either the protagonist or the antagonist is introduced on the first page. We have to wait until page three to even get an inkling of who the story it going to be about. Finding a likable or intrigue character in an interesting situation it what makes the reader read past the first page. Consider starting with Sable wandering through the streets and describe them from his eyes instead of the random description that’s not related to any of your characters.

“than the people,” than people

“there would be the bodies of the dying and starving paving a way” bodies of the dying and starving paved a way

“guzzled it down his throat in waves of scarlet.” This is not clear. What is ‘it?’ The wine or the blood.

“at the pants that covered their legs.” Where else would the pants cover?

“and throws of passion.” I think lust would be more accurate.

“slick seed from their innards.” If they had ‘seed’ in their ‘innards’ (entrails, guts) they wouldn’t be cleaning up they’d most likely be dead. You’re better off just saying that they cleaned up. We all know what happens in a brothel.

“glass and swears.” Swearing

“and one of the younger girls explained,” explained to who?

“Tonight, when” I would say ‘this night.’ It fits in better with sentence and the overall tone of the piece. This is confusing are we talking about Sable now or the owner? Or is Sable the owner? It’s not clear. Anytime the reader has to pause to figure out what something means it pulls them out of the story.

“the girl of fourteen” a girl

“the fledgling resisted” Now who are talking about?

“had not let Light suffer” I’m not sure what you  mean here.

“the boys poured water over the opening to help the breached child squirm” I don’t think water will help.

“deep red hair covered in blood and gore” I think it’d just be blood.

“in a fit slumber only a woman who gave birth could have.” I wouldn’t say this. She’s sleeping from exhaustion of a particularly difficult childbirth. Normally, although exhausted a woman would not go to sleep before looking at their child.

“pinched his rear to make the liquid in his mouth cough up.” Never heard of that procedure.

“work, attempting” attempted

“getting the chills,” getting chilled

“drank the blood of three men.” You just said a few lines ago that his blood lust was sated. What happened? I doubt he needed three men to keep up his strength.

PenelopeMV avatar General Stranger

August 16, 2008

PenelopeMV

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PenelopeMV reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Slow in the beginning where you’re getting your feet wet, but in the end this is a horrifying tale of beauty and love set in the age of vampires.Rimbaud’s Theater of the Vampires existed in Paris at this time…a lovely little story.Very bloody and descriptive as it should be. Good job. High marks.

dickybow avatar General Stranger

August 15, 2008

dickybow

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dickybow reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

?”Long ago, when the streets were still cobblestone and littered with the rats infested with fleas and disease roamed freer than the people”

This is a really nice opening line, the personification of disease sets the tone wonderfully. The rest of the piece follows in this tone, with rich language that sometimes borders onto purple prose “the courtesans who poured the scents in rivets down their suckled necks.” You should be careful not to get too carried away with overwrought descriptions at times.

Generally this is a high standard. I have to say I was a little disappointed when it became apparent this was ANOTHER vampire story. There seem so many of them Urbis. I had no idea that Annie Rice had undone so many! I don’t know what else you have planned for the rest of this story, or what themes and situations are to be explored, but ask yourself if you really need this character to be a vampire. I’ve always thought there was enough horror and drama in the human soul without bringing in paranormal.

slam710711 avatar General Stranger

August 15, 2008

slam710711

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slam710711 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

What a heart churning story!

I felt I was there amongst the blood and gore. You certainly captured the terror of such a world, even drumming up some sympathy for such a terrible character. The scenes you painted of the streets of Paris were very vivid and a wonderful backdrop to the story. The bleak lives of the people were very well woven into the tale. Well done. Steve

econobeing avatar General Stranger

August 14, 2008

econobeing

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econobeing reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

I’m no English major, and I don’t know most of the jargon that comes along with it, so please bear with me if it sounds like I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Overall it was a very good read, the the imagery and diction fits very well with the time frame the story takes place in.

There were a couple parts that I had to re-read because the word choice or flow was a bit confusing. For example in the first paragraph: “when the streets were still cobblestone and littered with the rats infested with fleas and disease roamed freer than the people”. It might read a little “smoother” to take out “littered with the”.

The content itself was great, and it kept a consistent quality throughout, I didn’t notice any lulls or low points.

cavscoutgh75 avatar General Stranger

August 13, 2008

cavscoutgh75

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cavscoutgh75 reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Overall, I really liked the story.  I really love the idea behind Vampires and all that they stand for.  The way you write it makes the characters/places stand out which is a very good technique to employ while writing.  Especially when writing a story idea that has been done and have writer’s like Anne Rice as competition.
What I did notice is that I ha a hard time following along.  In some instances there were too many descriptive words.  I feel you over described certain aspects.  As a writer you have to figure out that happy medium when describing something.  Some things require more description than other things.  

I really liked how you described the feelings that Sable had when given the task of delivering a baby.  You described the inner termoil we can only assume that a vampire has when given a task to create rather than destroy.

I have faith that once you go over the manuscript again you will catch the grammar errors that are not dialogue driven so I will not go into those.  But there were a few that I noticed.

Good work and keep it up!

Cheers!

Cavscoutgh

Lin avatar General Friend

August 13, 2008

Lin

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Lin reviewed Version 1 - Read 14% of the Item

I suggest you go through your work & carefully prune the less essential words & phrases. Reading aloud sometimes helps to sort out some of the uneven bits. I have trimmed your first 2 paragraphs to give you some ideas. cheers lin

When the Paris streets were still cobblestone rats infested with fleas and disease roamed free the bodies of the dying and starving paving a way from boulevard to boulevard.  Brothels throughout the city housed sexual desires that would draw me inside.

On any street corner gebtlemen could wench their carriages. Penniless families sent their daughters to work to buy a meager loaf of bread a night. Some of the decaying corpses had been too slow or too quiet for their lovers who would slit their pretty little throats should their pleasure seeking be compromised.

oknapp avatar General Stranger

August 12, 2008

oknapp Prolific-icon-medium

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oknapp reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

First paragraph:

there would be. This should say, there was, not “would be” Would be is futre but not the right tense.”?
What yesr was this?
Why were nails being drivin into the women’s sides?
Who was the “he you refer to in the story?
You have some very good descriptions; however, you some of your words don’t go with what you are talking about. For instance,”rivets down their suckled necks” Suckled is not the right word, here. How about ivory neck or slender neck?
Hind man in a preverse sense, is an excellent description. He wasn’t kind but he wasn’t the worst they had seen either, ay.
If the boy is going to think let him do it sperately from what Sable is thinking. Here you let in Sables voice. Read carefully!

“The blood… the smell invaded every one of his senses, but, when he opened his pale eyes to look the young girl held on her face, one of absolute fear and hopelessness was one that stayed in Sable’s mind. He had, not a year before, seen the same look on his brother’s face as he was turned. How could he ignore the similarities, even for that brief moment? He had not let Light suffer so terribly, and he would not stomach the thought of doing it to..”

Let me say that i don’ty know how old you are but i see some talent here. Your descriptions are amazing. Your vocabulary is very sophisticated for your age. Go through your story and take out any words that you feel might be in ther worng place. Also write simple. When you try to use words that you don’t use in everyday language you get in trouble.  When you become a famous writer, please remember me, Sandi. Ok

Fazzerelli avatar General Stranger

August 11, 2008

Fazzerelli

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Fazzerelli reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

’...no qualms sending…’ using ‘to’ infinitive instead of gerund (in other places too)
Seldom is an adverb of frequency, so you can’t use it here. how about: Almost no-one knew of it…
...which were, as most of the girls stated, [] far more disgusting… you had an extra was in this excerpt and commas could be used for the extra info.
At the beginning of the 10th paragraph the sentence doesn’t make sense, too many commas used and the individual clauses don’t work.
’...he seldom could control when it got to such an uncontrollable level.’ This is a clumsy multiple use of control, try a synonym. The word order is also lacking ’...he could seldom control…’
‘voluptuous breasts’ for a girl of fourteen seems unrealistic. Voluptuous may be the case for some at that age, but considering the scene I’d want to emphasise how young she is and use a suited word. How about small?
There are a few place where the text reads clumsily or a wrong grammatical structure is used, which should be remedied by reading this back to yourself (maybe after a spell away from it) or asking someone else to read through it (before you place it on Urbis.)

I really liked this intro to the story, I hope the elements featured here will play an intrinsic role throughout the novel. I enjoyed the way there was no direct reference to Sable being a vampire (until the end, which I think you should also scratch), although it was apparant that’s what he was. I was also amused to see ‘the creator is under 18’ just before you launched into describing a good old Paris brothel and the intricacies taking place. On that point, I think a little research on some of the subjects could make your descriptions more realtistic (brothels at the time, childbirth, etc.) You have some beautiful lines here: ’...shrouded in darkness of the night and throws of passion.’ great play on words!
The one thing that really puzzles me, and you should clairfy this in the intro, is why this setting satisfies Sable’s bloodlust.
Overall it was very promising and I hope reviews of this will help you with the next chapters of this story.

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rsaioxkreual

Age: 17
Loc: United States
Gen: F
Last Login: October 03
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