And you shall see them, oh hearty task master THANX!!!!
Flash Fiction / The Nicotine Addicted Activist (Analysis)
I’ve made it a point to smoke as much as possible since they passed that goddamn law. That fucking ordinance.
Fuck you governor.
Fuck you, I’m gonna have fun. I’m gonna sop up my last plate lickins of freedom with the hard drinkin’, two-pack a-day-of-non-filters, good-timin’ folk.
Unlike you Governor.
What? Did Lance peddle over to the capitol and wrap one of his yellow wristbands around your big gubernatorial nuts.
Fuck you Lance Armstrong.
I got two words for ya.
!!!FLASH MOB!!!!
That’s right, except instead of sweet little balloons and fake dead bodies, like the commercials of your little JEL fucker minions, with their Broadway numbers and megaphones, we’ll use our very unsecret weapon.
Our smoke.
Those little JEL fuckers aren’t the only ones who can bumrush a Benagin’s and fill up all the seats to make a point. We’re gonna hit every bar in this shit hole town once that fucking ordinance hits.
We’re gonna’ light up.
We’re gonna stank the place up.
And instead of every one cursing us for our presumptuous bullshit like they did those little JEL fuckers. They will applaud.
APPLAUD US.
Us, who still think that smoking is a right. That’s right, we have motivated idealists in our ranks. We, who believe that as long as all of these corporations can kill us- the water can kill us, Aspartame and a falling piano off the Eiffel Tower can kill us, so can cigarettes.
And goddamnet it’s really none of the governor’s or Lance’s buisness. And for christ’s sake, certainly the little JEL fuckers can shut the fuck up.
NOTE TO THE LITTLE JEL FUCKERS:
You don’t know shit about shit. Have you ever watched a football game with a smoke and a rum and coke? It’s a noon-time glazed utopia!!! And have you ever spent the day in a smokey coffee shop writing poetry and drawing pictures of all the weirdoes in there, jacked up on the magick combo that IS, coffee and cigarettes. Fuck you JEL fuckers.
That’s why we must unite- those who still think that smoking is a valid activity at a bar. Or even those who understand the concept of a fucking goddamn bar.
WATCH FOR BROADSIDES.
Let’s share emails.
We can call our group S.M.E.L.: Smoker’s Must Eliminate Lance. Fuck those little JEL fuckers.
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Treatsa reviewed Version 1 -
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It was tight and to the point. I haven’t smoked in 7 years but suddenly I’d like a strong coffee and an even stronger cig. Thanks for the funny read.
Oh and SMEL? Quite possibly one of the funniest acronyms ever!
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wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 -
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SMOKERS UNITE! Just do it outside. (Just kidding:-) ) Honestly, I’m not a smoker and don’t particular care to be around people when they light up. But hey, it’s a free county, at least I still hope it is. You have as much right to lung cancer as drinkers have to syrosis of the liver. And it’s not the governments place to say you don’t. As far as your writing goes, I thought you’re words sound very impassioned with just the right dose of militant, fist-in-the-air, fight-for-your-right postering. The word Fuck can be very effective in a speech such as this, as long as it’s not overdone and I thought you were on the borderline. The part that did really catch my attention was the part where you said, “You don’t know shit about shit. Have you ever watched a football game with a smoke and a rum and coke? It’s a noon-time glazed utopia!!! And have you ever spent the day in a smokey coffee shop writing poetry and drawing pictures of all the weirdoes in there, jacked up on the magick combo that IS, coffee and cigarettes.” I think these lines convey what its like to be a smoker, that wonderful feeling of calmness and utophia that we non-smokers don’t seem to grasp. The description you gave was perfect. I’m not saying I’m ready to go out and start smoking 2 packs a day and gulp down 3 cups of coffee to achieve bliss, but I do empathized with you in a way that I certainly didn’t before. I have to think that if the government feels they can take away ones right to smoke on the grounds that it’s bad for you, what’s next? No more delicious hamburgers and french fries because you can get heart disease. Good job and keep up the fight!
aliengrove reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice little rant. I have met smokers like this: once people start telling others what to do, how to live, some are going to react in a very negative way. The self-righteous really know how to piss people off. And the narrator is really pissed! It’s for this reason that I am not going to make any comment on grammar or sentence structure, apart from perhaps “You don’t know shit about shit”. Maybe just “You don’t know shit” would be better.
Overall, it’s an angry piece, and comes across very well as such. Angry people talk just like this. I just hope it’s a work of fiction and not the author’s real views!
shannygoat reviewed Version 1 -
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Although I think better suited for the satire/humor category, I enjoyed this. As a smoker, I am pissed that I can’t even smoke in a bar. Really! It’s a freakin’ bar. What else am I supposed to do while I drink my beer? Liquor and cigarettes go together like cake and ice cream. It’s a damn shame, is what it is.
Now, I’m all for nonsmoker’s rights. But now when you step on mine, so they’ll have them. Cool. I won’t smoke in the mall or at the library. But if you can’t go in a bar and expect it to be smokey, then stay the hell out of the bar. That was our last safe haven. And now it’s gone. Now I just make it a point to offer nonsmokers a ride in my car, then light up like a chimney and lock the doors, so they can’t escape!
I really enjoyed this piece.
gbryananderson reviewed Version 1 -
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First to address your ratings/rankings after two reads: talent: I think you have a lot of talent, still raw, but a lot of talent if revised and refined you could do well. For example: references to JEL, FLASH MOB, for serious writers/readers they would research these two terms. You understand the importance of stanzas, instead of one paragraph(P) of diatribical blather.
It is amusing with the in your face 1st person narrative. The profane leads to humour. Overall, are we to take this piece seriously, or are we just to submit back amuse and say, Wow, who was that Batman?”
As you know, flash fiction has to have plot, theme, intent, climax, and anti-climax. Among some things you touched upon, but failed to accomplish. The dialogue does push the story along, but I found it wanting for a climax, is it: the P with APPlaud US, filed behind Note To …?
As fiction, treat it as so. 1st P tabbed.
I want to see revisions.
Blessings, Gregory
jaked212 reviewed Version 1 -
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ah, this made me laugh hard, good work, and I like the sentiment towards lance armstrong
PenelopeMV reviewed Version 1 -
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Don’t know hat JEL is, but I do like the hard nose tack you take on being told what you can and cannot do. I say smoke ‘em if you got ’em. It reminds me of Dennis Leary the comedian who did a piece on smoking. Very funny and entertaing rant. Good details with the rum and coke, wrting poety and drawing. I do it all the time. UMMMcoffee and cigarettes.
Marvin reviewed Version 1 -
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the smokers vs. the JEL fuckers. Not sure who the JEL fuckers are, but i get the picture.
seems this belongs in “journal/blog” category instead of “flash fiction.” it’s an angry rank. it’s an effective rant, but often times it comes off a bit brash and self-indulgent. In order to unite smokers, you need smart organization, coupled with channeled anger. I feel the anger and the frustration, but it’s this very thing that works against us (yup- i’m a smoker- 13 years?).
“I’m gonna sop up my last plate lickins of freedom with the hard drinkin’, two-pack a-day-of-non-filters, good-timin’ folk.”—i like this line but it’s ripped from the 1950’s. It’s stubborn ignorance which often leads to apathy and inaction. Smokers bitch but they dutifully bend over. Why? Because they’re (we’re) junkies.
Your form is entertaining. It’s a staccato machine-gun of anger and whip-de-do.
I’m all for freedom of choice, even if that choice makes me unhealthy. But to liken smoking cigarettes to a “piano falling off the Eiffel Tower and killing you” isn’t an accurate comparison.
Fun piece. But it’s all over the place. Take a breath. Light a smoke. Relax.
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