Yes! It’s a social commentary on American values (which are, incidentally, mine). It’s so ridiculous. The sad part is that it’s true. Thanks for the review!
Short Story / The Unbearable Reality
I wanted to yell. I wanted to scream and rant; throw myself on the ground and flail my arms about like a three-year-old. I think it would have helped, but I would have looked like an idiot. It wasn’t fair! How could anyone steal my chance at happiness in just one sentence-one measily little breath??
Of all days, why this one? Up early and in a rush (for early was actually still a little late), I threw on a pair of trousers and a half-wrinkled button down, heels that made my feet hurt as soon I slipped into them…And I knew I was going to catch hell when I arrived at the office. This was the one, good thing I had coming to me and the Fates snickered amongst themselves as they dangled the fruit of life in my face and jerked it away just as I reached out to grasp it.
The news brought about a two-fold reaction of intense pressure in my chest like someone had thrown a solid brick at my sternum combined with the fluttering and sudden free-fall feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you discover a relative has unexpectedly died.
The lady breaking the news to me was matter of fact. Like this kind of thing happened all the time. As if it was normal for the Universe to turn itself inside out and promptly implode. No remorse, no apology. Just a shrug. I wanted to slug her or shake her by the shoulders and rattle the little pebbles in her brain so that she might understand my turmoil. But it was no use. Being so accustomed to the normalcy of her gift-giving she could no longer understand the glory of such a treasure. She was but a hollow vessel and had lost all sense of appreciation and wonder.
Defeated and broken, I turned away wondering how I would survive the day. The lady behind the counter at Starbucks informed me that there was no more ingredients to make up the Pumpkin Spice Latte. I wanted to die.
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facelessname reviewed Version 1 -
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Drag this out more! I think this could make a great short story. It would be really funny to have this rant go on and on, the whole time the reader wondering what it’s all over. Another possible approach to this would be to write this in present tense. While still keeping the source of the character’s rage hidden until the end, you could go on about those physical effects of anger, maybe even possibly have the main character direct some of that anger towards the “lady behind the counter”. I think you could turn this into a wonderful short story that really makes us dig deep into seeing how easily we can become so upset over meaningless things, as you said, while also giving us a good laugh, both at the character and ourselves. Keep up the good work.
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offspring22 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is cool but it isn’t in the right place I don’t think. It would probably fit better in journals/blogging or something like that.
However, I think you could rock this into a badass short story if you wanted to. Build up this big image that this lady just ruined your day, make it seem like a love interest, and then end it with that last line.
Ravenn reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this would fit better in the blog or quote section. It’s not really a short story – it’s too short! ;)
I did enjoy your quip, it was amusing and made me smile and that is my favorite drink they make as well – I do feel your pain.
Suggestions:
1. measily – measly
2. little breath??—overkill use one ?
3. starbucks – Starbucks
4. was no more—were no more
Good luck!
Shellshell reviewed Version 1 -
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That is very funny, and, oh, how true. Don’t we all act like babies sometimes over the silliest things? I know I do.
squarehopper reviewed Version 1 -
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Ok… you have conflict and character and I guess a little bit of resolution. But I think you are lacking in suspense and tension. It fell flat because of the lack of tension. I just read and went so? at the end. It didn’t even make me smile. If you build up more suspense… that would be a mark of a good build up for your punch line. As it is… it just is.
Misdirect us more. Make us think that is his significant other leaving him. Or his child dying. Give us something to feel the pain and agony he feels. Then make us see that it just coffee. That would be funny.
Good luck.
awkwardvibes reviewed Version 1 -
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Sort of just deserts for anyone that shops at starbucks.
Valdieron reviewed Version 1 -
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How dare she? Nothing more than a glorified checkout-chick, bringing you nothing but despair with her ill-thought words! Such a sad indictment of our society… even makes one ponder the age-old questions: Is there a god? Do Angels exist?... and WTF IS A PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE??? (Sorry, Aussie here, meaning no Starbucks lol)
throb25 reviewed Version 1 -
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I had to give you a 10 on this one. I would never have imagined the outcome to this. Very well done.
just_Juli reviewed Version 1 -
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I can relate to this. They suck you in with something good and then BAM! take it away. Thanks for sharing!
jlcampbell reviewed Version 1 -
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That’s worth a giggle. Maybe even two for such a small blurb. Capitalize “Starbucks.” Hate to see you get sued for slander. Write on!
J.L. Campbell
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