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Sci Fi & Fantasy / Into The Master's Lair - Chapter One Final Version (Analysis)
Chapter One
-1-
His lips curled back as he threw the wineglass. Fragments of glass showered the carpeted rock floor; wine the color of blood ran down the wall. All these centuries and he still hadn’t managed to master being patience. Not that he’d learned any virtues for that matter, virtues were for the weak.
The boy should have returned by now. The man leaned back on the obsidian throne and drummed his fingers against the ornately carved arm. He had waited centuries for the girl and could wait a little longer.
He left his seat, pulled a key out of a pocket in his robes, and opened a door off the throne room. He’d check on the girl. When he entered, torches along the wall flickered and came to life. This was by far the simplest chamber in his lair, only a cavern. The conditions for using his spying mirrors had to be perfect; anything extraneous could interfere. He stopped in front of a large mirror in the middle of the room and waved his hand. The image swirled and turned to blue smoke. When it cleared, he saw the girl in her own world, at a party in a backyard; she was visiting her parents again as he knew she would. He absently stroked the blue amulet hanging around his neck as he watched.
The light summer breeze felt like heaven against her face as the light fragrance or roses wafted under her nose. Lauriana shaded her eyes as she watched the little girl inch her way up the hill. She scanned the crowd for her cousin Ginny, but couldn’t find her among the fifty guests. Her mother had insisted inviting all her relatives to the party. Had it been left up to her she would have cut the guest list by thirty. She didn’t say anything because she knew how happy it made her mother to throw these big parties. The only celebration that interested her was one she’d have with Ari later. She’d lost interest in celebrating her birthday after she turned 21. Since then she dreaded these gatherings.
She frowned at the huge pile of bricks in the yard and then looked at her brothers. They hadn’t left the buffet table all afternoon. Marcus was holding a heaping plate of barbecued ribs and Sheridan was loading up at least his third helping of potato salad. When they weren’t stuffing their faces they were arguing about anything and everything. They’d promised mom and dad they’d put in a retaining wall over two months ago, yet the pile of bricks still sat at the bottom of the hill. Her cousin, Winnie, handed her a wine cooler and plopped down in the lawn chair next to hers.
Lauriana pointed to the little girl, who was nearing the top of the hill. “Where is Maya’s mother?”
Winnie sniffed. “I heard Cousin Ginny mumbling earlier that there wasn’t any bourbon here. She went to get some. Your boyfriend went with her. He was afraid she was already too drunk to drive and couldn’t convince her to stay here.”
That was just like Ari, he was always concerned about everyone’s welfare. “If I had a dollar for every bar I’ve dragged her out of I’d be able to retire now. Who’s supposed to be watching Maya? I mean, she’s only four, right?”
Winnie nodded. “I don’t think anyone’s watching her.”
“No don’t climb the fence,” Lauriana said under her breath. Maya crawled up the lattice deer fence, perched on the top, and threw her hands in the air. Lauriana leaned forward and held her breath. Maya began to teeter and plunged toward the ground. She hit the ground and picked up speed as she tumbled down the hill toward the pile of bricks.
Lauriana sprang to her feet. Time slowed down as she sprinted across the lawn. She heard Ginny scream, but her voice was distant. She picked the perfect time to return. Her heart sank. What if she didn’t get there in time? She only had one chance. Lauriana exploded into the air thrusting her arms out in front of her. Maya landed in her arms and let out a wail. She grimaced as she landed hard on the bricks, the force driving the air from her lungs. Ginny snatched the child away and glared at Lauriana.
A crowd formed around Lauriana, ignoring Ginny’s drunken tirade. Whenever something happened when she was drunk, it was someone else’s fault. Lauriana could hear worried voices asking if she was okay, but she couldn’t find her breath.
Her father gently lay his hand on her back. “Don’t move.”
She groaned as the air began to fill her lungs again. Her whole body throbbed. “I, I’m okay,” she croaked. Her brother helped her roll off the bricks but stopped her when she tried to sit up. “I’m fine.”
Marcus’s cheek twitched as it always did when he was annoyed with his sister. “Just lie still for a few minutes.”
“Your brother’s right,” her dad said. “Stay still.”
She rolled her eyes. “All right, dad. What about Maya? Is she okay?”
“Not a scratch.”
Her mother arrived with the first aid kit and started to clean up Lauriana’s bloodied elbows and knees.
“Mom, this isn’t necessary. I’m an adult. I don’t think I need you to clean up my scrapes.”
Her mother ignored her protests. She sighed. How long do you have to be an adult before your mother treated you like one? If her whole body didn’t hurt, she’d get up and walk away.
“How does it feel to be a hero?” her cousin Jenessa asked.
“Let’s not make a big deal out of this. I was the first to see her fall and did what anyone else would do under the same circumstances.”
Winnie and Jenessa were grinning at her. “What?”
“I didn’t know you could run that fast,” Winnie said.
Jenessa’s amber eyes grew wide. “That was amazing.”
Lauriana let out a quiet sigh. Her birthday party was a big enough deal. She didn’t need to add hero status. She got to her feet and her legs wobbled.
Sheridan grabbed her arm and steadied her. “Take it easy.”
She looked down at her tattered blouse and favorite blue shorts. “I guess it’s safe to say these clothes are ruined.”
“I’ll take you to the house,” Marcus said.
Before she could get out a sharp retort, Sheridan came to her rescue. “If she needs your help she’ll ask for it.”
She flashed him a grateful look and ignored Marcus’s scowl. She could always count on her baby brother to take her side against her overbearing older brother.
As she limped toward the house, she saw Ari running across the lawn. He grabbed her by the arms. “Are you okay? What happened?”
“Just a little fall. No big deal. I’m just headed for the house.”
Dark clouds rolled in. The sky turned pitch black. Thunder crashed. Lightning streaked across the sky. She turned her eyes skyward as rain began to pour. The wind howled and whipped. She and the other guests where drenched in seconds but she couldn’t tear her eyes away. Golf ball sized hail began to fall. She felt a tug on her hand as Ari started pulling her toward the house.
He waved a hand and the mirror went blank. An evil grin spread across the man’s face. Soon he’d be able to leave his lair and start his plans.
Revenge. The thought made him feel warm all over. He was so close. Had it been plans of vengeance that had kept him going over the centuries? Or was it the need to gain the power he deserved? Not that it mattered; one would lead to the other. And he still lived while countless enemies had turned to dust.
He returned to the throne room and poured another glass of wine. A worn tapestry used to cover the stone wall caught his eye. He was so tired of this simple room, not much more than a cave. His whole lair was a cave within a magic boundary he created to conserve the power he had left; he must remain inside, for now. If he left, he’d die within hours.
He swished the wine in his glass and took a sip. He could cast spells that reached beyond the boundary, but there was only so much he could do from a distance and preferred to see the results of his spells firsthand. That would change after he had the girl.
He looked up as the boy scurried in.
Caspian bowed. “It is done, my lord.”
The man brushed his long white hair away from his face. “You delivered the package?”
“Yes, my lord.” He shifted his feet as the man’s dead black eyes bored into him. The blood in his veins turned to ice. A drop of sweat trickled down the side of his face.
“Are you sure no one saw you?”
“Quite sure my lord. I waited until no one was looking. I left the package and recited the incantation as per your instructions.” As if he dared not to.
“You retrieved the item I need?”
“Yes, my lord. I left it in your chamber.”
“Excellent. Leave me now. I must think.”
He watched the boy dart from the room as he returned to his throne. He supposed the boy was a man, but after living 1000 years, everyone seemed a mere child to him. He never got used to people’s reaction, the horror they felt when they saw his eyes. What they took as a sign of evil was merely the result of centuries of absorbing magic.
Soon he’d have the girl and once he had her under his control, he’d have the power to get what he wanted. The man smiled, threw his head back, and laughed. His raucous laughter echoed throughout the chamber.
-2-
She headed for the back of the house, dodging guests along the way. As she passed a door, an odd feeling came over her. She felt like a force was drawing her to the cellar, which she knew was absurd. This wasn’t the first time since visiting her parents. Lauriana grabbed an armload of towels from the linen closet. She spun around and ran into a tall man. As her face hit his chest, the towels flew from her arms. Her heart leapt to her throat. Two strong hands grabbed her by the shoulders and steadied her.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” Ari grinned. “I thought you could use some help with the towels.”
“You nearly gave me a coronary.”
Ari pulled a strand of wet strawberry blonde hair out of her face. “Maybe I can make it up to you.” He ran his hands down her spine, pulled her against him, and kissed her for a long time. He was tired of sharing her with the other guests. He only wanted to be alone with her.
She moaned softly, pushed him away, and smiled. “Let’s not get carried away.”
“We could go to your old room and get carried away.”
She raised an eyebrow. “In the middle of my party? I don’t think so. In a few more hours we’ll head back to your place and then you can have me to yourself all night long.”
“I don’t think I can wait that long.”
“All right,” she said in a husky voice, “but It’ll take to long to get to my old room. Let’s do it right here.”
He stared at her as her blue eyes twinkled. She couldn’t be serious. But that didn’t stop the stirring he felt in his pants. “On the floor?”
“What’s the matter? I thought you said you couldn’t wait?” She flashed him an innocent smile.
“You win. But I plan to spend every spare moment with you until you go to Cambridge. Once you start at Harvard you won’t have much time for me.” Her body tensed. “Is everything okay?” He stroked her cheek. “You are still looking forward to going, aren’t you?”
“Of course I am. Don’t be silly. There’s just so much to do to get ready. It’s a little overwhelming.”
“I’d go with you if I could.”
“I know. You’d just be in the way. It doesn’t matter because you can’t. You have buildings and houses to design. Projects to oversee.”
He smiled. “But I am the boss, so I can sneak away and visit you if you have time for me.”
“I’ll always have time for you. As I recall a couple of times when I had finals during my undergrad that I worked in time for you. As I recall we had a very good time.”
“How could I forget?”
She scooped up the dropped towels and handed them to him. “Here take these out to the guests. I’ll grab another load and be right behind you.”
“Wait.” He set the towels down on a small table. “I want to give you one of your presents now.”
Lauriana’s face lit up. “You do?”
Ari reached into his front shorts pocket and handed her a small jewelry sized box. She tore the paper away and lifted the cover off the box. Two gold intertwined hearts hung from a chain. Her breath caught. “It’s beautiful.”
“One of the hearts has your birthstone and one has mine. It’s a symbol of how we belong together.”
She handed the necklace to him and turned around. “Will you put it on me?”
After closing the clasp on the necklace, he spun her around and gave her a hug. She gasped and pulled away holding her side.
“Are you all right?”
“I’m sure I just bruised my ribs or something. I’ll be okay in a minute.”
“I’m taking you to the hospital.”
“No. I don’t need a doctor. Besides, the weather is terrible.”
He studied her carefully. She always down played every ache and pain. “The last time you told me you were fine you ended up in the ER with a ruptured appendix.”
“That was different.”
“If you don’t let me take you to the doctor, I’ll tell your parents you’re hurt.”
“You can’t do that. You know how they get. Half of the time they treat me like I’m twelve instead of in my twenties.”
“If you go first thing in the morning, I won’t say anything.”
“Agreed, now take the towels and go.”
-3-
After he left, Lauriana took a deep breath and let it out. Why did she get an uneasy feeling when she thought about the future? All she ever wanted to do was go to law school and she was looking forward to a life with Ari. Maybe her uneasy feeling had nothing to do with either one. She grabbed an armload of towels, and headed back to the guests.
The hot air was suffocating. Fifty bodies allowed for standing room only. Lauriana felt like a drowned rat, her hair plastered to her head. Most of the food was ruined and so were her presents. She let out a deep sigh. She hoped that this party was not indicative of what the 25th year of her life had in store for her. She had been sure that something exceptional would happen this year, but now she was starting to have doubts.
The drone of voices and the wall-to-wall bodies made her claustrophobic. She remembered the sensation she had felt by the cellar door. No one would think to look for her there. She saw Ari across the room talking to Marcus. Once the two of them started talking, they’d be occupied for some time. No doubt talking about the ’69 T-Bird Marcus was restoring in his shop. Even with his dark blond wavy hair matted to his head from the rain, Ari still looked like a god. His chiseled features and sculpted muscles made her mouth water. She shook her head. She never thought she’d fall for one of her brother’s friends. It had its drawbacks.
Thunder boomed. She jumped. Lightning struck the ground somewhere not far away. The lights flickered and went out. She slipped through the cellar door while guests stumbled around looking for flashlights and candles.
Her hand found the railing and let it guide her down the steps. She reached up on the shelf and felt along the ledge until her hand closed on what she was looking for. Lauriana struck a match and looked around the room. The place that had captivated her as a child was now just an ordinary cellar. The same old dusty shelves; one set lined with canned goods and one with useless junk someone in the family couldn’t part with. Lightning flashed through the small window throwing ominous shapes against the wall as the storm raged.
She suddenly felt so alone. How ironic that she could be in a house full of people and still feel alone. The truth was sometimes she felt like she didn’t belong here, as if she was living the wrong life. The problem was she had no idea where it was she did belong.
She walked over to the far corner. One side of the wine rack moved a few inches away from the wall. “Ouch.” She dropped the match, shook her burned fingers and brought them to her mouth. She lit another match and examined the wine rack a little closer. She squeezed her eyes shut and opened them. The rack actually moved. Goose bumps broke out on her flesh. A door stood behind the wine rack. For over twenty years, she had been coming down here. How could she miss a door? The stairs creaked. She whirled around, her heart in her throat. A beam from a flashlight hit her eyes making it impossible to see who was there. She walked toward the stairs.
“Mom? What are you doing down here?”
Lena stood on the steps with her hands on her hips and frowned at her. “I need more matches for the candles. What are you doing down here when you should be entertaining the guests?”
“I just wanted a few minutes to myself. I’ll be right up.”
“Well, hurry it up. The only food that was still in the house during the storm was the cake and ice-cream. We are going to serve it whether the power’s on or not.”
Her mother turned around, and marched back up the stairs. Lauriana pushed the wine rack back against the door and rejoined the party.
She appeased her mother by cutting the cake and scooping ice-cream. She was relieved when the rain let up and the guests started leaving eager to shed their wet clothing and to check the damage to their cars and homes. She never liked being the center of attention.
-4-
Marcus and his younger brother looked out at the yard surveying the storm damage. Ari stepped out on the covered porch and grinned at him with the same stupid grin he’d had on his face all-day.
“What is with you today?”
Ari reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a small black velvet box. Sheridan snatched the box out of Ari’s hand and opened it.
Marcus’s eyes widened. “Is that what I think it is?”
Ari grabbed the ring and put it back into his pocket. “I have a special evening planned. I’ll ask her to marry me tonight.”
Marcus couldn’t believe it. His little sister was going to be married. He knew she’d never say no to Ari. Finding out that his best friend had designs on his sister had not thrilled. It wasn’t like he had the chance to protest. Ari kept it a secret from him. By the time he found out that Ari was seeing his sister they were already inseparable. He was still irked that Ari never talked to him about it ahead of time. When he mentioned it to his friend, Ari informed him that the only opinions that mattered were his own and Lauriana’s.
He knew that something happened that had brought the two of them close quickly, but Ari refused to tell him what. He figured out that his sister must have needed help with something serious and instead of coming to him for help she went to his friend. Ari was already in love with her and offered to help.
“Does she suspect anything?”
“Not a clue. But the more I thought about it the more it just seemed natural that we embark on this next part of our lives as husband and wife. She doesn’t even know I am planning to move my business to Boston.”
“You don’t believe in long engagements do you?” Marcus asked.
“I want to spend the rest of my life making her happy and as long as she’s sure she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, why wait?”
Sheridan snorted. “She’ll be sure.”
“That’s great,” Marcus said. “I’ll take you both out to celebrate next week.”
Lauriana spotted Ari and stepped out onto the porch. It figured he’d still be with Marcus. Her brother was always trying to monopolize his time. She inhaled deeply, savoring the fresh smell after a cool summer storm.
Marcus handed her a small package. “What’s this?” she asked.
“The only present that didn’t blow away in the storm. I found it in the corner of the porch. It must have blown up here. I think you can find the rest of your gifts scattered about the neighborhood.”
“Figures.”
Ari put his arm around her. “I have to go now and make sure everything is perfect for your special surprise tonight.”
Lauriana smiled. “I hope you’re not going to too much trouble just for me.”
“It’s not possible. You deserve the best,” Ari said. He kissed Lauriana and headed off the porch and out of the yard.
She had a sudden impulse to call him back. Instead, she turned the small box over in her hands. No tag. She tore open the paper, lifted the lid on the box, and wrinkled her brow as she pulled out a gold chain with a key on it. “Who would give me a this? What’s it for?”
Sheridan scratched his head. “You got me.”
She slipped the chain around her neck. “Do you guys think you could meet me in the cellar in about fifteen minutes?”
Marcus frowned. “Sure, but why?”
“Just meet me in the cellar in fifteen and I’ll show you.” She whisked away before they could respond.
-5-
The hairs on her neck stood on end and goose bumps broke out across her flesh. Lauriana felt like turning around and running back up the steps, but as if they had a mind of their own, her feet moved forward. She set her flashlight down nearby and pulled the wine rack forward again. She felt a hand on her back, jumped and whirled around.
“You two scared me half to death.” She’d already had enough scares for one day.
“What are you doing?” Marcus asked.
“Look.”
“What in the hell? This door wasn’t here before.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive. I helped dad build this wine rack.”
“He’s right,” Sheridan said. “There was never a door here.”
Lauriana frowned. “How can that be? I tried to move the rack far enough ahead to open the door, but I couldn’t do it by myself. Would you help me?”
Sheridan grabbed one side of the wine rack. “Let’s do it.”
They moved the wine rack away from the wall without spilling any of dad’s prized whiskey, which is what their father kept on his wine rack.
She tried to open the door, but it wouldn’t budge . “We have to look around for a key. If there’s a door here there must be a key somewhere.”
She felt along the doorframe as Marcus began to search the shelves.
Sheridan grabbed her arm. “Wait a minute.” He picked up the key around her neck. “Try this key.”
“No… It can’t be.”
She stuck the key in the lock. The tumblers turned with a loud click. She glanced at her brothers and then slowly opened the door. Before she could step into the room, Marcus grabbed her arm with one hand and shut the door with the other. He positioned himself between her and the door.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I want to check this out.”
“I think it’s just a little too convenient that you are given a key by an unknown person the same day as you find this door. This could be dangerous.”
She looked to Sheridan, but found no support from him. “Marcus is right for a change. It’s like someone wants you to go into that room. We better leave it alone.”
Lauriana didn’t know why, but she felt compelled to go into the room. She also knew that she wouldn’t let her brothers stop her. She understood their concern. The situation did seem all rather strange. But the idea of someone luring her into a secret room seemed ridiculous. There had to be a logical reason for the key, the room, everything. Someone was playing an elaborate joke.
“I think we should go tell dad what we found and then Sheridan and I will check it out first,” Marcus said.
“This is crazy, it’s just a room.”
“A room that appeared out of nowhere. You’re not going into that room until I have checked it out.”
“Have it your way.” She headed toward the steps. When her brothers reached her, she bolted toward the wine rack and through the door. The air around her wavered. She could hear her brothers calling her name. When she looked back all she could see was a thick white fog. This was not the empty room she saw a minute ago. Torches flickered, casting dark shadows along the wall. A musty smell filled her nostrils and each footstep set off a little cloud of dust.
Her brothers burst through the door and stopped in their tracks. Marcus glared at her and Sheridan just shook his head.
“One of these days you are going to get into a lot of trouble because you don’t listen to me,” Marcus said.
“I listen to you when you make sense. Look at what I found.” She pointed to four weapons mounted on the wall, a two-handed sword, a bow, a battle-axe and a dagger. The sword had her name under it. Her brother’s names were each under a weapon too. The name under the fourth had been eroded over time. She looked at the beautiful sword hanging over her name and ran her fingers over the blue gems encrusted on the hilt.
“Wait! Don’t touch anything,” Sheridan said.
She grasped the hilt of the sword. A loud grinding noise filled her ears. The floor in the middle of the room opened. A large pedestal with four slots rose into the middle of the room. The slots looked like they were meant for weapons. She turned the sword over in her hands. She spun around swinging the sword in the air. Sheridan yelled and jumped out of the way but not before the sword caught the tail of his shirt and she heard a loud rip.
“Hey, this is my favorite shirt.”
The color rose in Lauriana’s face as she covered her mouth with her hand. “I am so sorry.” Her eyes sparkled as she stifled a laugh. “I swear I didn’t know you were there.”
“Just keep that thing away from me. Let’s get out of here. We shouldn’t be messing around with this room. There’s something wrong here.”
“I agree,” Marcus said. “We shouldn’t be messing with something we don’t understand.”
This had to be a trick; none of this was possible. She walked over to the pedestal and tried the sword in the slot, a perfect fit. “As long as we’re here what harm can there be. Do you see anyone? Someone is not out to get me. Someone has gone through a lot of trouble to play this joke on me, we might as well play it all the way through. Let’s try the other weapons in the pedestal. I want to see what happens.”
Marcus snatched the weapon off the wall. “I always wanted a bow like this.”
“I’m not touching anything,” Sheridan said.
“Please. Don’t be such a killjoy. What could it possibly hurt?”
“It could hurt plenty,” Sheridan grumbled as he grabbed the battle-axe. They placed their weapons in the slots in the pedestal and waited.
Nothing happened.
Marcus rubbed his chin. “Are you satisfied? Can we get out of here now?”
“I think we need the fourth person. But who could it be?” Lauriana asked. As if to answer her question, she heard Cousin Winnie’s voice.
“Hey, is there anyone down here?”
“We’re in here, over by the wine rack,” Lauriana called.
“What? I don’t see anyone. Where did this door come from?” Winnie stepped into the room. “Did you guys do this?”
“No, Lauriana found this room and we were just checking it out,” Marcus said.
“This is really strange. Are you guys playing a joke on me?”
Lauriana shook her head. “It appears the joke’s on me. I guess I got to play this through to find out who is behind this.”
“A rather elaborate joke. I just came to say good-bye. Jenessa and I are going to leave.”
“Before you leave do me a favor, grab that dagger on the wall and then bring it over here,” Lauriana said.
“All right. Let me know who is behind this when you figure it out.”
Winnie returned with the dagger and stuck the blade into the pedestal.
The pedestal split apart, smoke billowed from its center. Lauriana’s eyes widened as she and the others began to gag and choke. She tried to turn and run but her feet wouldn’t move. She tried to wrap her mind around what was happening, but she couldn’t. Her eyes stung and her lungs ached. Her heart thudded in her chest, as she watched the others one by one drop to the floor. Her last thought before she lost consciousness was of Ari. She’d never see him again.
Jenessa weaved in and out of the guests and headed for the back of the house. Where had her sister gone? She needed to get back and check her apartment. She had a feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach that told her that she had left her windows open.
Despite the freak storm, the party had been great. She enjoyed seeing her cousin again. The older they got, the less time they had for each other. She’d never forget how Lauriana flew through the air and caught Maya. But then that was her cousin. She would walk through fire without a moments thought if someone she cared about needed help.
She heard shouts coming from the cellar and ran down the steps.
“What’s going on in here?” She held her breath and made her way through the black smoke. Her foot hit something solid and she fell to the floor. Jenessa felt panic rise in her chest when she realized what had tripped her, a body. She had to get help, but her legs wouldn’t move from the floor. She couldn’t hold her breath any longer and began to cough and choke on the smoke. The world went black.
The smoke cleared. The halves of the pedestal came together. The door to the room closed and locked. The wine rack slid back against the wall. The lights flickered and came back on. No sign remained that anyone had ever been in the cellar.
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RPierce reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
To start, I like the whole, 1980’s vibe you’ve going here. Reminds me of such old school classics like Labyrinth and The Neverending Story, with the real world meeting fantasy world motif. This probably goes without saying, but have you ever read Neil Gaiman? He uses it to great effect (I recommend Neverwhere to start, followed by Anansi Boys and American Gods).
Now, onto complaints and grievances, lol:
At this point, the villain seems a bit paper thin…evil wizard, lurking in his cave, throwing wine goblets at walls and harassing his servants. Even if you are going for a tale of straight up G Vs. E, with little to no shades of gray, the villain needs to be meatier, or have some sort of odd charisma. You want to be more Darth Vader (calmly, silently choking someone to death) than Emperor Palpatine (“Now you DIE! Ahahahahaha!” Zaps a guy with cheesy animated lightning bolts.)
Next, the party scene: this might sound stupid, but you run the risk of overcrowding your narrative. I’d say you have one character too many: in this case, cousin Ginnie. You already have cousin Winnie, obviously important because she winds up getting pulled in. I suggest making Maya Winnie’s daughter. The loss, whenever Winnie wakes up where ever they are going, could add a powerful dynamic to the story.
All and all, a solid foundation. Some of my suggestions may seem extreme, considering you’re Fourteen Chapters ahead of me, and the tiniest ripple at the beginning of a long work can quickly turn into a tidal wave, but maybe they’ll kick up something else in your mind. Good luck,keep writing, and I’ll continue reading!
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Senkia reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
“Marcus turned his head when heard the door open.” you didn’t put he after when
“It figured he’d still be with Marcus.” I don’t think you meant for this to come out as it did
I liked it, I only noticed that occasionally you don’t connect sentences that could be and probably should be. Overall this was very good and I look forward to more.
catluckey reviewed Version 2 -
Read 19% of the Item
Ari reminds me of Martin Henderson of Torque. Thought of Matthew McConaughey with the wet hair. Great characterization, especially when I think of leading male actors in a role.
Very nice mood setting with the lightning storm. Especially here: Lightning flashed through the small window throwing ominous shapes against the wall as the storm raged.
The claustrophobic feeling Lauriana had from the big party crowd portrayed more complexities in Lauriana.
I like the mother’s dialog change when she was on the cellar steps.
This was a fun read and, to me, very professionally put together. Thank you.
Comma girl is back and I hope this is helpful.
...the little girl, who was nearing(neared) the top…
...I’ve dragged her out of,(comma) I’d be…
...“I, I’m okay,” she croaked. Her brother, Marcus,(insert name and commas) helped her roll off
How long do you(did she) have to be an adult before your(her) mother treated you(her) like one? (puts out of context…stops flow 2nd person to 3rd…or make it inner narrative.
She and the other guests were drenched in seconds,(comma) but she couldn’t tear…
Golf ball sized hail began to fall(fell, white ice that hit the ground and bounced up from the ground). (began indicates the action stops. Gave ifish sample of what you can put after the hail falls.)
After returning to the throne room,(comma) he poured
“Quite sure,(comma) my lord. I waited
rain beat against the house,(comma) drowning out
“but It’ll take to(too) long to get
Once you start at Harvard,(comma) you won’t
...an armload of towels,(delete comma) and headed back
she was(delete) looking(looked) forward to a life with Ari
Who picks to have(has) a party when (makes sentence shorter; picked is already previously used.)
“If my clothes are ruined,(comma) you are
The problem was she had no idea where it was(delete) she did belong(belonged). (Immediacy; shorten sentence)
brother looked out at the yard,(comma) surveying
The screen door was hanging(hung) on one hinge.
Marcus turned his head when heard(delete) the door swung open.
... stupid grin he’d had on his face all-day(all day).
...instead of coming to him for help,(comma) she went …
Her brother was(delete) always trying to(delete-trying to) monopolize(monopolized)
call him back (and tell him) that she didn’t understand. (Clarity)
“If there’s a door here,(comma) there…
“Then if it’s safe,(comma) you
Her brother’s(brothers’) names
“I swear,(comma) I didn’t know you
...what we’re dealing with,(comma) we should…
“As long as we’re here,(comma) what harm
tatteredsoul reviewed Version 2 -
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Still needs alot of work. You are very talented and quite elaborate however i think that its slightly odd about the whole door and everything i kept wanting to see something that had been there for centuries and no one really ever knew what was behind it or its a new house and they find a strange door something like that. Also i felt as though i was reading a script. I dont know why but it felt like i was reading the script notes on how a set needed to look and what the characters motivation was to be. Mainly at the end though the first part of the book wasnt completely like this. Maybe you rushed the ending? Just watch the flow of your story and try to always be desriptive without getting over wordy but i beleive this story has alot of potential and cant wait to read a revised copy
oneshot92 reviewed Version 2 -
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When he entered, torches along the wall flickered and came to life. – Try just saying the flickered to life.
He had had no doubt she would. – He had entertained no doubt that she would. The double “Had” just ties up the tongue.
Yes, my lord.” He shifted his feet as the man’s dead black eyes bored into him. – Pg.6 eyes bore into him.
Who picks to have a party when – Pg.10 Who chooses to have a party.
that had brought the two of them close quickly,- Pg.14 So close so quickly.
She felt a sudden urgency to call him back that she didn’t understand. – She felt a sudden urgency to call him back, yet she did not understand why.
I hope these few suggestions help you out some. I think you have a really nice story here, but you need to use a little more narrative and less dialogue. In a sci fi or fantasy, you need to have very in depth description of your scenes and characters. At this point you have failed to really bring the reader into your world. You will need some really good narrative in order to achieve this in a story like yours. Good luck with this piece.
oknapp reviewed Version 2 -
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What wonderful vivid images on the first page. I am missing just a bit of the fantasy edge. I need to go back to the last chapter and recap.. I feel i have missed something.
First off, you write very well. The dialogue is good the scenery is perfect.Here is my problem: As a reader, i need to be reminded in these chapters that this is fantasy. Thus, far the Master is only referred too once or maybe twice. I was just wondering, why, after all Lauriana has been through would she consider someone was playing a joke on them in the cellar. The Master is no doubt at work here. He has always had a plan for her and she can never trust what he is going to do. I like what i have read. I can see the humnaess in the characters ; however, i feel the reader needs a little recap on what’s going on with the master. Respectfully, Sandi. Good work.
meowby reviewed Version 2 -
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This is great! I read another chapter of this and was thrilled to read the beginning. You write with clarity and good descriptions of the characters and their surroundings. I was drawn in right away and would love to have this entire book in my collection.
CAT
spiffy reviewed Version 2 -
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Excellent, I wish it would go on further. I love the foretelling of events half way through. It sets up the perfect stage for mystery and action. The character development is pretty good although I think you could expand further on some details. Overall this is a great start to a larger piece. Awesome.
Rylan reviewed Version 2 -
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This was well written. I liked the dialogue and the characters were like-able. You set up the situation with the party and everything very well, it flows together pretty nicely. Seems a little quick paced, however, but other than that its a great start.
My main issue is with them finding a door in their cellar that they didn’t know about, and their reactions to it, which don’t seem quite appropriate. Imagine finding an actual hallway built under your house, full of pedestals and weapons with names on it—the idea of it being an elaborate joke would not even cross most of our minds, it would be so preposterous. You protagonists’ casual curiosity into walking in there seems a little misplaced.
To open the door, she would not need any other motive than awed curiosity. And variations of this may get all of your characters down the hall and to the next point where you need them to be. Just pace it out, make it realistic or you will lose your readers right off of the bat. Good potential in this story, I can see it going places and it was enjoyable, but the one thing fantasy must do is keep our belief in tact. Work on the reactions, visualize how you would react, and try to write how you would feel. This would go a long way to improving the latter part of this piece.
All-in-all, enjoyable, however. Keep it up.
Lynn_Riley reviewed Version 1 -
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Ok, the only grammatical error I found in the text was “master being patience” in the first paragraph.
You’ve got a good beginning,one that grabs your interest. But then the story started to lose me because you were trying to give me too much info in too short a time. There are a lot of details and facts of the characters personal lives to absorb in one short chapter. Maybe you could scatter them through the story and have your exposition be more gradual and easy to assimilate.
There were also some phrases/imagery that, as a reader, I’ve read too many times and that starts to give your story a generic feel. Such as “wine the color of blood”, “breeze felt like heaven”, “dead black eyes bored into him”, and “blood in his veins turned to ice”.
To be honest when I started reading this, I thought “please, not another ‘modern-girl-suddenly-thrust-into-fantasy-world’ story.” But you managed to keep my interest and give the story a fresh feel. You seem to know where the story’s going and have a clear writing style, which I enjoyed.
Overall, a solid piece of work. Keep working on it, you might have something here.
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