Interestingly enough, Morgan’s a “good guy” who associates with the bad guys. But he does cause a lot of trouble . . .
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Sci Fi & Fantasy / No Redemption: Intro
“The silence is what kills you.”
The words were uttered by a plain man sitting in a desk chair. His feet were propped up and he was casually tossing a knife into the wall. The odd thing was that every time the blade penetrated the peeling paint it vanished from existence and reappeared in the thrower’s hand.
The thrower was nothing special to look at. He dressed strangely, with a tight maroon long-sleeved shirt clinging to his chest and close cut cargo pants covering his legs. A leather trench coat was wrapped about his shoulders, the same color that one expected the shadows in hell to be. Medium length blonde hair framed his sharp features.
His partner was seated in another chair, reading the daily edition of the New York Times. A cheap record player sat on a pair of speakers on his desk, cranking out music, Ride, by the sounds of it. His attire was much as one expected a middle aged English teacher to dress, with brown pants and a dark green sweater. The odd part was the gigantic overcoat around his broad frame and the rugged smashed fedora atop his head.
“You tellin’ me to turn up the music, Morgan?” grunted the man with the hat.
Morgan continued his gratuitous impaling of the wall. “No, Xavier, I’m merely commenting on human nature. Think about it.”
With an idle flick of his hand, Morgan channeled a slight ribbon of greenish-purple energy to switch off the record player.
“Behold mankind. God doesn’t give a damn, nor does Satan. The world is as the world is, with the Almighty unwilling to touch the scum that have abused free will and Lucifer trying to hasten our destruction because he can’t stand us either.”
Xavier, all too familiar with his partner’s philosophical musings, tuned him out and continued reading about the falling stock market. Morgan seemed not to notice.
“It’s in the silence that what is true can be revealed, what’s inside you can rise to the top. The voices come from our souls to speak to us in the night because we can’t block them out then. The pain comes. All of our wrongs are exposed to us. We feel a thousand cuts from within. The wise man hates himself more than the fool, because he knows more fully what he truly is. The fool may be the greater sinner, but he has no self-awareness.”
Morgan slowly placed his feet upon the floor and silently stood up, leaving his knife on his chair. Xavier’s back faced him. From within the deep pockets of his coat, Morgan drew a slim, glinting length of razor wire.
“In the noise, in the sound, we can find a solution: numbness. To avoid the pain, we try to lock everything away. But it’s only a temporary remedy. Numbness is gauze, pain a dull knife. But events occur that sharpen the knife. In the end, your lack of feeling kills only your meager joy in life, leaving you with a blade cutting at your heart and soul.”
Slowly, Morgan slipped up directly behind his partner, the garrote at the ready.
“You feel just the agony of the truth of what a bastard you are. You have the ability to feel regret, to feel remorse. But that’s after the fact. Your sins continue to compile because nothing is left to prevent you from compiling them. Maybe there never was anything in the first place. No compunctions, no confession, only character. And character is just a word for what remains within you. There can be no redemption; I want no redemption.”
With those words Morgan Caine, professional demon hunter, threw the garrote around the neck of his partner, Xavier Walker. The resulting flailing ended up throwing the furniture in their office into far greater disarray than Morgan had originally hoped.
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Well I’m not clear of what’s going on…but I like it. You might not have written this way, but to me it’s quirky. It transformed into a scifi without you forcing the magic on the reader. The dialog is going to turn people on and some off, because it’s very “smart” and deep. Overall though I like and hope it transform to something good.
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chelly reviewed Version 1 -
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Very descriptive, captivating. Pulls the reader in and leaves one wondering what happens next. Good read, I hope to read more of your work.
catluckey reviewed Version 1 -
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Whoa! Impressive. When I see images, distinct ones, from words portrayed on a screen…I say, “Whoa.”
You have one heck of a beginning. Your irreverent take on these hardened goons is highly entertaining, fresh, with sour surprises. Like eating a delicious Starburst.
This Morgan’s personality is so well portrayed, even with his musings, I hear his voice at the same syntex, accent, and tone as Prison Break’s T-Bag, played by Robert Knepper. Unto perfection. Evil personified. Someone we love to hate and watch, as your character is delicious to read.
This should be a novel, one story we can munch on. I love this character, he should cause trouble for others, both good and evil. Kudos to you.
hey_sean reviewed Version 1 -
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This is definitely interesting.
I really like how Xaiver was rambling on about his beliefs and feelings, and then you find out they’re demon hunters at the end. I think that’s the point the world you were setting really took it’s grip-hold on my imagination.
I think you should detail a little bit more about the magic that was going on. The reappearing dagger was very confusing to me at first. Also, describe the way the ribbons of magic looked a little more in depth when he turned off the record player. From this sort of action it seems like this type of magic will be used frequently during the story, and just from the short description my first visualization of it was very cartoonish.
Overall, interesting start.
I’d like to see what you have planned.
napalmwriter reviewed Version 1 -
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Well-written and descriptive. I like the lack of exposition. Good ending.
The biggest issue I found is that it seems to shift point-of-view between the two characters. I find it best to maintain a consistent POV, otherwise it can be confusing which character is thinking/feeling what.
Repetitive sentence structure. Lots that begin with “The”. A rule of thumb is to not start two sentences in same paragraph with the same word. Not a set-in-stone rule, but helpful to keep a story from bogging down.
Wordy at times. Ex: “a tight maroon long-sleeved shirt clinging to his chest and close cut cargo pants covering his legs.” Saying that the shirt was tight is enough; to say it clung to his chest is redundant. Could say “a clinging maroon long-sleeved shirt” to really show it. Same with pants. We kinda assume they’re over his legs, so saying they cover his legs is redundant.
“at the ready” is cliche.
I like how you held off reveailing that he was a demon hunter until the end, but you may want to find a better way to reveal it instead of stating it expositively.
A good start. I like it.
malapropist reviewed Version 1 -
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The premise and the characters are interesting. The dialogue, as you stated, is colloquial philosophy.
The thing needing the most attention is the writing itself. This feels like an early draft, so it’s fine right now, and you want to go ahead and write the story (or stories) before revising, but when you’re ready, really pay attention to the sentences.
Specifically:
Many instances of passive voice that make the sentences awkward (The words were uttered by; The odd thing was that; etc.)
Unnecessary words (The third sentence could read: Every time Morgan hit the wall, the knife instantly reappeared in his hand. or some such to become a cleaner and more engaging sentence)
Unnecessary confusion (There’s no reason not to name Morgan immediately. We gain nothing from the mystery except some confusing sentences and awkward phrasing.)
There are other examples throughout. If you want more, I’ll put them in the comments.
All that can be fixed with revision and practice. A bad story idea can’t. Your idea is interesting. A philosophizing demon hunter with some kind of mastery over space and/or magic weapons. It’s a good character for some interrelated short stories. Have fun with it and good luck.
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