I shall read yours. I think today I’ll spend all day reviewing. Thanks for the critique. I agree verse 2 is my favorite. You know when I wrote this one I was so proud of it.
Lyrics / Where do hearts go
Verse 1:
We’re lost, cold and alone our hearts only beat for one.
Surrounded by glass, I’m reaching for grass, to spread my arms wide out open free.
‘Cause we take more than give and we rob cautiously from others that cannot defend.
There hearts do not beat and ours has cheated them.
(Chorus)
And were losing our humanity,
‘cause we’re living with our minds.
Where do hearts go?
Where the dead go.
And were feeling less for our crimes.
(Verse 2)
The dark, helps us relax, covers the tracks behind.
When closing the eyes, there is nothing disguised, just the sound of the world changing.
And we build, grow in mass, multiply, living fast, growing stronger against ourselves. Cause our hearts do not speak and our minds just do not agree.
(Chorus)
And were losing, our humanity,
‘cause we’re living with our minds.
Where do hearts go?
Where the dead go.
And were feeling less for our crimes.
(outro)
Where do hearts go?
Where the dead go.
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CloClo reviewed Version 2 -
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I think you have a good balance of imagery and pace here.
It is important with lyrics not too go into too much detail to keep the flow but keep enough detail to deliver a message that is understandable.
‘There hearts do not beat and ours has cheated them.’ – I like this line because it is quite awakening and it opens your mind to the message of the lyrics, it is thought provoking.
Very well written.
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boysnightout reviewed Version 2 -
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I like the concept. You might change “Surrounded by glass, I’m reaching for grass, to spread my arms wide out open free” to ”...my arms wide open and free.” or “wide out open and free”. You can possibly change “has cheated them” to “have cheated them.” These are some changes to consider. I like the line “And we’re feeling less for our crimes.”
cooljim102055 reviewed Version 2 -
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hi there,
i like the v/c/v/c songpattern you chose for this, and i like the orginal twist , of where do hearts go, after they die cause they abuse other hearts, then the common, where do hearts go when they are still alive and broken from a love gone bad…i think that is more emotional, and heart felt but again your version is more orginal,,,nice job, jim
hey_sean reviewed Version 1 -
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I like how it’s open ended enough for the reader/listener to be able to almost pick what the song is about, while still guiding them in a general direction of the feeling that mankind is dooming itself with it’s new mannerisms. It seems to almost invoke a longing for old fashioned ways.
MichaelDark reviewed Version 1 -
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Dude, I love ya.
This isn’t your best.
Not bad. I like verse 2, but the whole thing seems a little forced. I have times when I just wanted to lyric. Even if the plot was good, it just didn’t flow from me.
Is this one of thoes for you?
Anyway. I like reading your stuff….you should add me.
MD
WordsOfGold reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall I think you deal with an interesting topic and structurally it works quite well.
Especially the repetition used.
Be careful of your grammar:
e.g “We[‘]re lost, cold and alone”
“There hearts don’t beat” – don’t get mixed up with their and there, because it is belong to them ‘their’ is needed.
“[‘]cause we[‘]re living with our minds.” And don’t forget here, because you are omitting letter a ’ needs to be added.
“Surrounded by glass, illusion of grass,” – this could simply be me, but i don’t quite understand your use of glass and grass here, they don’t seem to fit together (definition wise) only being tied together by the obvious rhyme.
Make sure you keep in mind what you are exploring and don’t stray off track.
But, i did enjoy it.
cooljim102055 reviewed Version 1 -
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hi there,
that’s a good question, where do hearts go…or should it be where did all our hearts go..anyway, i agree, a little more heart in this world would go a long way…something that got lost along the way,.,,nice job, jim
blossom_art reviewed Version 1 -
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Is it poetry or is it Lyrics?? I say Lyrics because it has a ‘chorus’ as such. My criticism – TOO MANY RANKINGS?RATINGS it is frustrating to have to enter so many. Just choose a few (3 maybe) that define what you are wanting to know. Otherwise i really enjoyed it and yes do believe that you have talent.
Keep at it.
Rachel
socrates2004 reviewed Version 1 -
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There is an overall mood to this lyric. The structure of it doesnt assist in giving it voice. I look forward to your revision.
witchj23 reviewed Version 1 -
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this was really good…i would like to ask what sort of musical arrangement you see going with it? it helps read it to have a reference of the type of music. also in these two lines “And were losing, our humanity,cause were living with our minds” and it would make more sense if you use “we’re” rather than were. but i do like the words that you
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