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Poetry / The Masterpiece
Make a day, awake a night.
Share a passion, bring forth the light.
Climb a mountain, roll a hill.
Reach for air, breath and feel.
Walk the earth, swim the sea.
Fly away, over dreams.
A lover’s imprint, a swaying tree.
The taste of romance, kindles ecstasy.
A shooting star, upon the sky.
A photograph of captured time.
The span of life, a stippled technique.
This gift it gives, is the masterpiece
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Blitzwing reviewed Version 2 -
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This work of yours is simply brimming with life. It’s as if it radiates with energy. It’s admirable to see a number of noticeable themes from just one piece!
For example, stanzas 1 & 2 is largely about an awakening or a realization of something beautiful (“Share a passion, bring forth a light”), stanzas 3-8 deals with savoring the beauties of life (“Reach for air, breath(e) and feel” I believe it evokes an image of someone who is swimming. every gulp of air when someone rises to breathe is something to be savored), stanzas 9-11 refers to capturing the moment (“A photograph of captured time”) and lastly, stanza 12 ends the poem with a note which allows the reader to reflect on all the good things which happened in one’s life journey in the poem (“This gift it gives, is the masterpiece”).
I’m at a loss of words to describe how deeply moving this poem is. This is one of the few poetic pieces which I like for its highly evocative nature (especially since I dislike reading poetry in general). What I do suggest, aside from what appears to be a typo at stanza 4 “breath(e),” is a reworking of stanza 11.
I do not claim to be an expert in poetry but for some reason it does not sound as smooth as the other stanzas. You seem to be saying that a person’s “span of life” has a lesson to impart as in “stippled technique.” Perhaps you can try using “a lesson learned” instead since you were using “the span of life” as a metaphor in the same stanza as in: “the span of life, a lesson learned/ This gift it gives, is the masterpiece.” I’m not so sure but you decide.
Regardless of such details I still believe that you have done an excellent work. The words which comprise your stanzas such as the one in stanza 10, ” A photograph of captured time,” is simply exquisite. I hope that you can produce more inspiring pieces as this one in the future. =)
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eminemslove85 reviewed Version 2 -
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WOW!! that was some poem, i loved how the words just flowed right down to the end of the page, u are so gifted. it was nice, sweet,short and awesome. it also had spark right down to the end too. fab fab fab job. i don’t see anything wrong with this poem at all. good work.
zionicyouth87 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the flow and rhythm of this poem. Good use of imagery. The stanzas work well with one another, and though the subject matter is not fresh or original, you deliver it with great technical competence.
MichaelDark reviewed Version 1 -
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Yes!
Nicely done indeed.
Make a day, awake a night….This sets up the theme. Polarity. We could never experience ‘DAY’ without the presence of ‘night’.
KUDOS!
stum reviewed Version 1 -
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10s all round! :) I really like the first part, the part to do with nature. However there are bits here and there which make the rhythm a bit jerky, such as ‘Lively rain dance, a swaying tree. The taste of romance, kindles ecstasy.’ those 2 lines are a bit long. Maybe you want to change them to something 1 or 2 syllables shorter to make it flow better.
Also, about the rhyme scheme, the first 4 lines goes very well, with AABB, then the next 4 become ABAC? And the last 4 ABCD? I think for this kind of poem largely to do with nature, AABB is good, so try to follow that.
But other than that, GREAT WORK! love it!
crstarlette reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, I like the last line and the idea, but not all your lines work. Some of them are in verb phrase commands, and they really need to be noun phrases. For example, Share a passion could be
sharing passions
the sharing of a passion
time to share a passion
the chance to share a passion
etc.
or maybe you could change all your noun phrases to verb phrases – whichever, but the mixture of them doesn’t work for me. Anyway, simple grammatical changes.
sadpoet reviewed Version 1 -
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I love how you created the visual pieces to your masterpiece. The roll of the piece is brilliant and simple, easy to follow and most of all, pulls the reader into it’s beauty.
I now what share a passion and bring forth the light means, I see it in the eyes of many, and it is the essence of life!
This is a work of PURE inspiration and I am so humble to have had the opportunity…it is a masterpiece!
This gift it gives, is the masterpiece…MAGNIFICENT! I have rarely given all 10’s! Exciting.
Joel_Mitt reviewed Version 1 -
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Man…it just pulled me in.
I went from, “Ohp, this is how it’s goin down.” to,”Hold on, lets see where this is going.” and it got their just fine. I must say, it cheered me up just reading it. It’s a pleasant thing- to feel a poem. The rhyme scheme worked well here too, I appreciate a good rhyme scheme….great ending too, by the way.
I really liked how you zinged, “lively rain dance, swaying tree” together to successfully create an entire mood and atmosphere.
I don’t know dude… every line hit it for me, ain’t got nothin to toss.
wwlindberg reviewed Version 1 -
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everything was going great till i hit ” fly away over dreams” then all of a sudden evreything went sour, you lost your rhyme scheme and from there on it was spotty.and not really sure what was beenig conveyed here.
DrChaos reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this is good but needs some work. I like the “share a passion…” where you provide something explicit, then finish with an abstraction of that. The problem is that you don’t do that consistently.
So the line “Walk the earth…” is out of place if you want to use the abstract technique.
In the line “The taste of romance…” is akin to a cause/effect technique.
All these are good, but I think this would work better if you used a single technique.
Hope this makes sense and helps!
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