Children's / Lenni The Gazzelle
Lenni The Gazzelle was a friendly creature, Hed sit at his desk and give apples to every teacher
Lenni would sing and dance even hopscotch to, But the thing he enjoyed most was watching the cows go moo
He grazed through the medows all day long and all night, Lenni Surely was not one to pick a fight
Though rotten he may be eveyone loved little lenni, For 20 years agao he had saved a beautiful white doe
You see the doe had been caught in a giant pile of cotton candy, And everyone thought this was just not very dandy
Then along came Lenni fearless and bright, he ate his weight in it even more delicious every bite
3 days later he was pronounced the town hero, But he said nope natta zip zilch i want zero
This made the town even more greatful right then
Because that ment they could buy ben a new chicken pen
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It feels like a lot of your rhymes are forced and so the story doesn’t make much sense. You talk about how nice he is, then say that he’s rotten. This can’t be right. My advice is that you tell the story of the cotton candy rescue. You could have a lot of fun with silly imagery if a gazelle had to eat his weight in cotton candy. I would also try to write it in more of a prose style without all of the rhymes. Don’t forget to check your spelling (gazelle, grateful, meant) and punctuation. Good luck!
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This is amusing and enchanting as a children’s story, so please take these proofreading notes as positively as I mean them:
Hed = He’d
Hopscotch to = hopscotch too
medows = meadows
Surely = surely
eveyone = everyone
lenni = Lenni
agao = ago
greatful = grateful
ment = meant
Now, there are a few aspects of the story you could work on:
1. If Lenni is a “friendly creature” why do you describe him as “rotten” a few lines on? I’m not sure that you need the word “rotten” at all or the mention of “pick a fight”.
2. Who is Ben? This comes out of nowhere at the end.
The story about saving the doe by eating the cotton candy is EXCELLENT!
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