Humor/Satire / Continued Doodlings

Prologue

Jimmy entered the room. For those who don’t know him, he is smart, charismatic, handsome, attractive, rich, intelligent and an obsessive liar. He was dressed in an expensive suit and designer sunglasses, so felt stupid when he entered a dark room for his interview. Attempting to be cool, he sat down and swung his feet up onto the desk. He then recoiled in pain as he was slapped and told to go to the next room.

Jimmy sheepishly walked into the door, and then reached for the handle. After successfully exiting without doing anything stupid, he tripped on the tripwire the author placed there (hee-hee).

After completing his interview, he went and called a taxi. When he noticed everyone staring at him, he thought perhaps he needed to use a phone. When he finally got in, he told the driver to take him home. After an ‘oh-my-god-not-again-do-I-look-telepathic-to-you?’ look he then told the driver where he lived, and set off…

Let’s get some title music
IN A BOOK?!?
Alright, we won’t. Don’t get so stressed about these things.
What?
Who are we?
I don’t know. Let’s just get on with the story about Jimmy.
What story?...

Original Writing Coursework

Jimmy was bored. Nothing ever happened around here. Village life should legally be made more interesting. Little did he know that everything was going to change.

200 kilometres away, an evil/mad scientist genius had caught Jaws 5 (so there could be no more sequels) and Nemo. He had them both in the combinerator, making Nemo 5 and Finding Jaws (ha-ha-ha), which he would release to take over the world.

NOTE: This has no relevance to this actual story about Jimmy, just so you know!!

Jimmy was fishing. He didn’t usually fish; it just showed how bored he was. His line started to tighten, and he realized that he had caught something out of the ordinary. The ordinary was the name of the pond. As he pulled the line out of the water, a boot hung off the end. Rats. He flung the boot angrily back into the water, but before the boot hit the water, it disappeared. Amazed, Jimmy went to the place it disappeared and saw a sign saying ‘Welcome to the Ordinary Triangle! It’s a bit like the Bermuda Triangle but smaller!’. Intrigued, he got in closer to the vortex now in front of him (no-one knows why it’s a vortex, it just is, o.k?) and felt a pair of hands shove him in…

When he reached the other end of the vortex/wormhole/black hole/space-age absorby thingy e.t.c, he was in a dark, damp room. Actually, it wasn’t damp, it was wet, and there was seaweed lying on top of his head. Struggling to see the walls, as it was pitch black in there, he reached out blindly and touched something slimy. Withdrawing his hand quickly, he took his hand out of the barrel of slime. Hearing a footstep, he quickly ran from the sound. Unfortunately, he had jumped on to an underwater running machine, so was going no-where, and when he ran faster as the shadow came to grab him, he couldn’t escape.

The fist rose, and came down, whilst bearing a steel bar, knocking Jimmy out.

Jimmy’s vision was blurry, and he had a massive headache. He wondered how much he had drunk last night. Then he remembered that he was sober, and was knocked out by a steel bar, not alcohol. Well that was a turn up for the books, Friday night and no booze. What was wrong with him? Still not thinking straight, he got up and staggered over to the table laden with food. Hang on, when did the table get there? Where was he? Why was he here? What was going on? How was he going to think up another question to shout into the empty space above? Are there anymore question words to be used? Oh yes, who? Who was he?

All will be revealed in Jimmy’s second draft of his original writing coursework.

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Reviews

October 03, 2008

smessler

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
19	66.7% (3 votes)	45.9%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
32			November 19

smessler reviewed Version 1 - Read 33% of the Item

I know that this writing was an experiment, which is why I won’t get into a critique of the story. My actual advice is on your tone. Your tone of writing here seems young and playful. However, this is something for humor, so consider this:

A humorous writing style works best when the voice telling the story works in contrast with what’s being told.

That said, think of the show The Hills being narrated by Chris Rock. How about a legal drama narrated by Paris Hilton? How about Ernest P. Worrell joining the cast of CSI.

Not that any of the fore mentioned examples are comedy gold. But doing a story about simple actions that have no major conflict, or grip on the reader, told in a friendly, playful voice, makes the reader cares less, or worse still, the joke could get lost.

I would use the childlike tone to your writing for something that holds a bigger grip on the reader. A disaster. The End of the World. An Interview with God. Those told in a light, carefree style can be funny.

Something like this, the tale you wrote of here, would hold a lot more humor in a dry, almost cynical style. Jimmy’s faults, which affect his overall life, told as a throwaway jokes. Or, told in a way that says that he got what he deserved.

Your reader would relate to him better, as everyone is used to being overly put down, even in their own mind.

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
12	85.7% (7 votes)	12.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
17	M	United Kingdom	November 19

September 07, 2008

Miss_N

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
4	66.7% (3 votes)	0.0%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
28	F	United Kingdom	n/a

Miss_N reviewed Version 1 - Read 100% of the Item

Very confusing, but I like to be confused. I like the way that you have serialized the adventures of Jimmy. It feels as though he is still out there, waiting in limbo in his damp room a the other end of the vortex for us. I like the way that you have given energy to the character in fits and bursts. I especially like the line about the ‘ordinary triangle.’ Best of luck to Jimmy!