At the dawn of creation everything was perfect. Perfect until sin was found in perfection:
You were the model of perfection,
Full of wisdom and perfect in beauty.
You were the anointed cherub, for so
I ordained you.
You were blameless in your ways
From the day you were created,
Till wickedness was found in you.
There was war. A war between the angels, their most despised enemy and a third of the stars that followed him. The tide of anger and retribution spilled unto the earth causing the corruption of man, the gradual destruction of the human race, and with it the earth.
Demons versus angels: fighting for the souls of men, fighting to keep the balance, fighting to win.
The prince of darkness walks among men. The great deceiver whispers to the heart of mankind. The chief destroyer annihilates the world at the spectacle of the human race:
Through your widespread trade
You were filled with violence, and you sinned
Your heart became proud on account of your beauty
And you corrupted your wisdom because of your splendor
So I threw you to the earth.
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It’s good, but I think the version of the Angel/ Demon war that you used is a bit trite. Check out the story of Samyaza on Wikipedia. Basically, in that account, the angels fell not through any kind of ambition, but because they loved humans.
Another thing, I think you should go into the angels versus the fallen angels more. That was, in effect, brother against brother. You are really missing out on some drama and emotional impact by glossing over that aspect of the story.
That was really cool. I really liked the last five sentences. That was just awesome. Really the only thing I can tell you to do differently is to change There was a war. A war Between angels. and just put them together There was a war between angels. Like that.
In parts it seemed more like poetry than flash fiction, even though I don’t know what it is. Great job with this I really enjoyed it.
So I guess you won the bet.
I thoroughly enjoyed this. Absolutely no complaints.
you succeeded, I read the king james version of this passage and you certainly have made it sound poetic and interesting. we would read our bibles much more if everything were this interesting in it. I gave a 3 for flash fiction mainly because I believe the bible to be true not fiction.
i really like the concept, and enjoy the way it was executed. i think quite a few people might be upset over this, which makes me love it even more :]
i hate to say it, but i may have even had a clearer picture and better understanding than from the original… i hope i don’t receive threats after saying that.
Dresden,
The last line in this verse reimagined is fantastic. The image is built up through the previous line and then, WHAM: “So I threw you to the earth.” I also felt as though this was almost the same thing as ths speaker (God) saying, I threw you to the dogs.
I think you did a fabulous job reimagining the verse. It almost sounded as a sermon by a baptist preacher or some such thing. The war paragraph also has a few lines I really liked, namely: ...a third of the stars that followed him…”
The only thing I see that threw me out of the piece was the word Demons in the paragraph after the war. I think its because demon is a word thats been so used in fantasy and sciencefiction, sometimes I have a hard time attributing it to religion. Obviously it is religious, but I also think fallen stars would be a great choice of wording for demon.
Very creative. Enjoyed.
Stay Coool,
D.R.
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