Thank you for the review.
Are there any spots you noticed I could improve it, though?
lu.
Short Story / On the Permanence of Ink (Analysis)
I spent two nights mulling over every word, phrase, sentence, and mark of this essential correspondence. I ink my signature and the familiarly unpleasant taste of the envelope gum solidifies the letter’s finality.
It has begun to rain. I won’t be Mother Nature’s fool—with the envelope stamped, addressed, and safely tucked in the deep pockets of my silver-lined puff coat, I begin my journey. The awning has a steady-dripping leak at the left corner of the blue Astroturf porch. Clenching my fists, I skip over the crack in the sidewalk, dodge around the quickly deepening puddles, and nearly lose it all at the spot where the oak tree’s roots grew underneath the cement.
At last: the mailbox. The rusted aluminum sanctuary folds open like a castle drawbridge; I bend my knees to check for leaks or unforeseen foes. None here. I unclench my dry fist and fumble around the slick pocket for my protected treasure: nothing. Panic stricken, I hold the pocket open and peer in: nothing.
In my peripheral, the soft yellow of the envelope catches my eye as polka-dotted stains spatter its face. Snatching it from the ever-consuming, deeper-still puddle, I dash to the false solace of the front porch. The seal has already given way. A page of running blue and red mocks me with its lack of words, phrases, sentences, marks.
It’s over. There is no re-writing.
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Nani reviewed Version 1 -
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Very well done, like the brevity, the description of the mail box opening “like a drawbridge.” Good ending, so true, some things can never be rewritten nor resaid.
madriter1022 reviewed Version 1 -
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This story is so loaded down with adjectives that it slows the narrative flow to a screeching halt. Vivid description can be accomplished in ways other than using adjectives.EX.dry,soft yellow,slick.
Sometimes less is more. A few well placed adj. is bettter than a whole long slow paragraph full of them.
I had to read it twice to actually figure out the plot of the story.The clarity of the persons intentions needs some work. Why is the letter so important? What is it about? What has this person really lost as the ink runs down the page.
You might want to consider making it a full blown short story. Make the readers feel the frusteration or agony of the person as they watch the ink fade away.
gbryananderson reviewed Version 1 -
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Are you out in the desert under a tin roof?
Usually I reach out for structure
You seem so lonely and I know that isn’t a good critique.
I would just like to hold you
Sonora reviewed Version 1 -
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I wish it was a bit longer…just doesnt seem quite complete. The imagery was amazing though. I could picture everything in my head!
“The seal has already given way. A page of running blue and red mocks me with its lack of words, phrases, sentences, marks.”
This sentence made me so sad. I think of the pain of putting all the time into it…
chelly reviewed Version 1 -
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Sad yet amusing at the same time. Luck is a mean one and often bad.
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