Flash Fiction / Thirty Word Story - "The House Fire" (Analysis)

thank you for the kind words.

in response, i have limited the categories.

-lu.

Thirty Word Story isn’t actually part of the title. It was a little literary craze going on there for a while, sort of like the six-word thing going on now. Thanks for all the kind words, though! :]
lu.

first, thank you for the review.

second, i understand that perhaps with the story the way it is that it may be hard to believe she would just accept it. but the character caroline is an aged woman. one who’s been waiting for death as it is. although, i don’t believe personally that it’s hard to believe that she would just accept it. the story has already clarified that there is no escape. what else is there for her to do, then? i think it depends on the type of person you are and how you view the role of death upon life. perhaps you are not this way, but that certainly does not mean that there is no one else who is not.

third, this had originally been an assignment limited to thirty words, so i am now trying to figure out where and what details to add. i like the extreme briefness of it, so i would only want to add things necessary to it. i will likely mention wrinkled skin or something along those lines to define caroline’s age and mindset. but other than that, do you have any specific suggestions as to where detail would be most helpful for readers?

again, thanks so much.

-lu.

It takes a very special person to literally sit back and accept a painful death and I don’t think that Caroline has been painted this way – yet.
Maybe if she hugged her old wedding picture or pictures of her grandchildren we would better understand that she was old (I didn’t pick up on that) and ready for death.
But, even people who do not fear death might be put off by fire.  
And what about a back door?  I’m just trying to show you that a lot of people might not accept that she had no way of escaping.
Let me know if this helps.

Actually the smoke would probably get her before the fire so I guess it wouldn’t be that painful.

to me, caroline is an old, tired, lonely woman. i don’t see her having weddings or grandchildren. if she did have family or cherished memories or any real reason to live, then maybe she would resist death. but, these are things i will need to allude to with details.

i am thinking that maybe your own opinions towards death may be getting in the way of your ability to accept the story for what it is. don’t stay fixated on it, and then tell me where to add detail. whether or not readers agree with caroline’s choices is not the issue, the issue is how to add to the story so that they understand it, if that makes sense.

i think the suggestion you made about the possibility about the back door is a very good point. i can probably add some to reiterate the “no escape” point.

as always, thanks for the review!

-lu.

You already know where the details are needed as you have mentioned where you plan to add them.  Those are the details that will put us in her head and see the fire from her POV.  

thank you so much for all the kind and HELPFUL words.

Originally, this was written as an assignment that called for a thirty-word story. For a bit, there were all kinds of contests on the internet for thirty-word stories, so i believe that was the purpose of the assignment.

with that being said, now that it is not in the confines of an assignment, i think you are absolutely correct about adding key details, now that i can afford them. i will keep you posted for any edits in the future.

again, thanks so much for the review; it means a lot coming from a writer i respect.

-lu.

Perhaps I’m confused, but I was always taught that flash fiction meant extremely short, and that the flash referred to the length, not its contents.

Other than that, though, thank you for the review. Originally, I had written this as an assignment that specifically asked for only thirty words. Now, though, I would like to add, not much, but just a few key things.

-lu.

Hi lu,
Please note I said “I always think”...
The better flash fiction I have read seems to have an O’Henry type ending. Here is a portion of what writers.com says about flash fiction:
5) Make the reader guess until the end

“A little mystery goes a long way. Your reader may have no idea what is going on for the majority of the story. This will lure them on to the end. When they finish, there should be a good pay off or solution.”

Please don’t get me wrong, I thought this was a good piece and you could certainly add to it and still be considered falsh fiction. Most definitions say less than 1000 words.

And good for you to challenge comments you don’t agree with. :>)

Jim

thanks so much :]

i just want to walk away with a full understanding, that’s all. not so much of a “challenge”, but you could certainly use that word.

and actually, i really like the idea of leaving this a mystery until the end. i’m not at all sure how i would accomplish this, have you got any suggestions or ideas?

so grateful,

-lu.

Well, now. I was only half kidding about “blasting off”. Perhaps Caroline is a character from a sci-fi story.

Perhaps, Caroline is an assassin who just killed the prime minister of ??? and now the lightning has shown her how to cover her crime.

You have a great imagination (I mean you wrote this didn’t you?). I bet you can come up with a twisted ending. Take a peak at some of O’Henry’s short stories or even Hitchcocks. Rod Serling was another master of the quirky surprise ending.

Hope some of this is a little help. Enjoyed our chat.

Jim

i think i’ll just save the “twist” ending for a new piece. i’ll make sure to let you know when i do, and you let me know if you approve. :]

best,

lu.

I’ll make that deal if you will tell me about the orangemilkcrate. ;>)

Jim

it’s not as exciting as one might think. i have milk crates randomly hanging all over my walls for shelves, bright orange milk crates. that’s all.

lu.

Well, nuts. I was looking for something way out there. Hell I had that in college. lol. but a deals a deal but not to approve just to read.

I love it when I get a review I actually enjoy reading.

That said, I agree whole-heartedly with essentially everything you said. The suggestions [smell of wood of porch, etc] are right on, and I can’t wait to get to work on it.

I had kind of let go of this piece since it is up for publication already, but all the comments and critiques have made me honestly excited about it again.

Thanks again,

lu.
[orange. milk. crate.]

Well if it’s being published then I wouldn’t mess with it to much. You always have future pieces to poke and torture and make scream until they finally give you what you want.

Though i have to say I published a four pieces while an undergrad in our university literary magazine and i’m ashamed of all four now that I look back.

Plus my editor there messed them up with punctuation and in some cases spelling.

I would torture those to this day.

that is what pen names are for :]

i wouldn’t say i’m every embarassed of earlier pieces, i think they show growth. i’m sure there not half as bad as you think.

lu.

the publications editor at the time was terrible. added commas, rephrased sentences, and messed up punctuation while editing the pieces…

it was embaressing.

also, I still plan on getting you that story back. I’ve just been in the middle of something of a rush at work right now.

yeesh, that’s a bit different then. i’ve put off sending a lot of literary critiques in for publication for fear of embarrassment later on. there were two that a few of my professors were ridiculous about me sending out, maybe one of these days.

take your time on the story; there’s absolutely no rush. i haven’t even been able to hardly get on the site i’ve been so busy.

meh, such is life.

best,
lu.

Like I said, it was written as a thirty-word assignment. One of the things that I will definitely be filling it out with is more character development. Is there anything in specific about Caroline you’d like to be added?

Thanks you so much for the review,
lu.

You might not need the first sentence; not sure if it really matters why the porch is on fire.  Perhaps using words such as “resigned” “irritated” or “amused” to describe Caroline and/or her reaction to the fire might help flesh her out a bit.

i suppose you’re right, i don’t know how much importance the first sentence has. it seems i could at least make it shorter, or fit it in with the second sentence, allowing me more words.

this was very helpful, thanks!

lu.

alas, the problems that arise with thirty words.

thanks for the review,

lu.

but it can be fix and still remain 30 words. It is an excellent exercise in writing with brevity and clarity.

alright, then why would she be looking for an escape if the lightning had just simply struck relatively close?

and, if she looked to the windows for escape, and the front porch is aflame, where else could she possibly be but in a building? and if her special-occasion whiskey is near, well, you should get the picture.

perhaps you simply aren’t using enough logic to understand the story at least generally.

once again, thanks for the review

lu.

Escape – whiskey – emotional?

See – the problem is you introduced two distinct possibilities.  Looking at the windows barred can be taken as a metaphor for her emotional viewpoint as well.

Writing is more than putting words together.  I know your intent, but you delivered more than you intended.

i didn’t think of it that way.

lu.

Surely this isn’t any of my business, but I read this review after reading your comment to me and I can’t help but feel that it (this review) has no valid point. I wouldn’t want to see a writer get discouraged by an “it doesn’t work” remark.

As she keeps pointing out to everyone, everything definitely is right there in the 30 words. I can see how someone might attribute a double meaning to it, but if it were to be taken solely as a metaphor it would be far too vague; the message would be “she feels trapped, so she drinks”. That wouldn’t be a story at all.

I think what gives it all away is the last sentence others found so much trouble with. First of all, when is one prone to recline, during acceptance or despair? And if this “house fire” was internal, why would she now be popping open her one bottle of “special-occasion whiskey”? Wouldn’t this be an ongoing thing in that case? Depression and anxiety don’t just strike hard, all-at-once, they usually build up slowly, which would render the lightning analogy useless.

The story certainly DOES work; it begins with a conflict, establishes setting and characters, and ends with a twist.

Anyway, sorry for meddling. :)

:] at least somebody gets it.

thanks for the comment, and sorry to have started all this trouble with you guys.

lu.

not a problem… I’ve been confrontational most of my life so this is normal for me.

perhaps you’re not reading it carefully enough. this is a thirty-word story, so i was not afforded the luxury of many words.

the front porch is on fire, so how would she use the front door? there are bars on her windows: no escape. accept that there is no escape. and the title of the story does happen to be “house” fire. meaning it would be her house.

i suppose this thirty-word expects a lot from the reader, but it is all right there.

once i get a new version up, and have been allowed more than thirty words, i will make sure to request a review from you so you can tell me if you like it better. :]
thanks for the review,

lu.

I don’t know where there is no law requiring at least 2 exits for every dwelling, but most places I visited that is the case.  It is only logical for the very reason of an emergency warrants it as well.  Think about it, do you know anyplace that doesn’t have at least 2 exits, and if you do, that place is illegal and if reported, they will have to fix it and pay huge fines.

This is a valid point methinks.  It falls under the same issue I found with it. It is not clear what is happening here.

all i’m saying here is in some cases, an audience needs to accept part of the story whether they want to or not. for example, the story states “no escape”. whether it’s that she never had an extra exit because she lives in a shack in a little southern town a hundred years ago or whether it’s because she lives in a crummy apartment on the second floor with only the front entry from the outdoor stairs/porch, it doesn’t matter. the point is, she has no escape.

it’s something i can detail more now that i’ve got the luxury of more words, and i will likely do so since so many of you are just simply refusing to accept the phrase “no escape”.

that is my final defense of this; i’ve felt it’s a silly thing to pick apart from the beginning, since the reader should be able to understand the words “no escape” and move on.

i hope you all enjoy the next version, whenever i get around to it.

lu.

thanks.

i will definitely keep your suggestions in mind when revising.

best,
lu.

Ah meddling is what drives Urbis or should anyway. This is supposed to be an online writing workshop where the comments are meant to be used exactly how they are being used here – to discuss and argue points about pieces.  SO meddle away.

My first point to you would be that writers need to develop thick skin to handle critique and rejection whenever it happens – so why should I not say “this doesn’t work” to an author?  Believe me it has been said often enough to me and each time it happens, I swallow hard and try my best to put myself in their viewpoint.  I do this to improve my craft and each time I do, I learn a lot about myself and writing. So I will continue being direct.

As for the story working, I am glad it work for you, but it still doesn’t for ME.  Each reader comes to a piece with their own experience, beliefs, ideas, and what-not.  A writer needs to understand this whenever they create.  They can aim directly at a certain audience (which you are obviously a member of in this instance) or try to reach a greater number of people.  But the trick is the Author needs to make the choice conscientiously and deliberately, not on a whim.  As I stated before, writing is not just about putting words together any which way to deliver an idea, it is about making sure they make the greatest impact and be as clear and direct as possible. Each word, especially in a any flash fiction piece, should be carefully chosen for their complete presence and joined with other to complete the picture.  If this isn’t done, then what do you have?  

You have a piece that may carry many meanings, not have a strong punch, as well as a myriad of other issues.  

The six word story craze became more popular with Hemingway’s:  For Sale: Baby Shoes. Never used.

See how each word is direct?  See how they combine together to deliver a specific message that cannot be interpreted in many ways readily?  See how hard the last sentence hits?  

But you are entitled to your opinion as am I.  

I agree with all of this, but the point is that just because you’re not clear on something doesn’t mean it “doesn’t work.” It just “doesn’t work for you.” It certainly worked for a lot of other people on here, so why should you dismiss someone else’s work without perhaps giving them tips on what they could do to MAKE it work for you? If someone doesn’t understand what they’re doing wrong, simply telling them they aren’t doing it right doesn’t solve anything.  Maybe examples of what separates clarity from obscurity? Maybe words or phrases that can be used instead? Your initial review gave none of that.
Neither did mine, of course… But I needed one credit, sue me.

my my defensive are we?  If you look at my review, I do specifically say what didn’t work for me.  What issues of clarity I had with the piece and why I had it.

If my initial review didn’t address what you think I should have, my comments certainly did.

Why should I sue you?  It is not my place to decide whether your review contains the items you think are important, although you seem to realize you are hypocritical in how you are judging my review – it is good to be self-aware of one’s own faults and/or shortcomings.

It seems your only issue is the phrase “it doesn’t work”.  Hmmm… You haven’t taken enough classes in writing, or if you have, then you are either lucky, very talented where every piece comes out decent, or had professors who are just doing the job for money and not interested in improving your craft.

But again, It seems that we have detoured from the real reason these comments should be written – and that is to help the author improve her craft and not to poke fingers at each other.

So, unless you have interesting points to discuss regarding her piece, then I consider this discussion over.

It seems you have voted me “No” – hmmm… in retaliation for what?  There are 9 others that could have voted you “No” – why pick on me?  You are good at making assumptions aren’t you?

Doesn’t matter…

oh by the way, it is a well known fact that over 50% of all Urbis reviews are generic pat on the backs done to earn quick points and not get refunded.  

These people generally and genuinely feel that they shouldn’t “criticize” a piece whether they like it or not.  So to use the argument, that most review… etc… is a fallacy – oh look that up – if you forgot it from the rhetoric, philosophy, or critical thinking classes or studies.

I don’t know what “classes” you keep directing me to, and surely in your 2.25 times my age you have a much broader grasp of writing techniques than I do, but I read this once, found everything to be clear, and enjoyed it. You, on the other hand, read it, either didn’t understand it or tried to point out its fallacies in a vague and unhelpful way, then, when corrected, moved on to claiming the problem was somewhere else. If these classes you want me to take will make everything I read unclear, I’ll opt for the tried-and-true “reading and writing” system to improve my own styles and values. Please don’t try to pin your experience on me, I’m sure there are unpublished English professors that can represent my thoughts on formal education more distinctly than my words.

That “defensive” statement was meant to be a joke, or at least a jocular remark. When I get into arguments online, which thankfully isn’t often, I always want to maintain a little lightheartedness in my words so that we don’t take each other’s statements to be too malicious and start with the empty insults. Yes, it’s true that this statement was also meant to point out the shortcomings of my own review. That’s why I think it’s a good statement to make.

Yes, you did say what problems you had in the review. You said the setting wasn’t clear. You said the conflict wasn’t clear. Yeah, and? If everyone else found it clear enough to understand the story, what do you think needs to be changed? You say all the answers can be found in your comments, but after she points out to you that the parts you misunderstood were clear as day, you move on to something completely different. Do you still think it’s unclear who’s house she’s in? Or what makes her porch “aflame”? If not, what can she do to change it? “Make it clearer” is an entirely useless thing to say.

I gave you a “no” because, as it should be apparent at this point, I didn’t find it to be a quality review.

And as far as constructive input goes, thunder never comes before lightning. The speed of light is faster than the speed of sound. You can’t insult me and simply say “conversation over”.

I do find it a little depressing, however, that we both have written hundreds of words in regards to a thirty-word story.

Yes it is still unclear.  Short of rewriting her story, there is no real way of “showing” how to fix it.  I was purposefully vague in order to give her the room needed to work on the piece on HER OWN.

Mentoring is much different than you might think.  Guided questions is a proven method for discovery learning.  

The hundred of words we write is not depressing, but uplifting.  We are both exchanging ideas and that helps us grow. We may not agree with each other, but the sheer exposure to adversity creates strength in us as we have to understand our obstacles to overcome them with all our resources.  

You may feel that is is imperative for a critique to “show” how to fix an issue, I disagree.  I think it is more important to point out the issue, why it is an issue and allow the person to work with it.

I haven’t changed my POV at all regarding this.  My comments still centered on the muddiness of meaning and clarity.  

Where does thunder come into play in my review? or comments?  It doesn’t.  It is a part of the story, yes – but still doesn’t help establish the true setting and meaning as I pointed out.  Most dictionaries I have checked (over 8 different ones) have as a definition for aflame to be on or AS IF on fire.  So this word can mean literally to be on fire or figuratively to be glowing like it was on fire – hence lightning flash can be certainly interpreted as awash with light LIKE FROM A FIRE.  That is one of my issues.

Eh, the thunder bit was just in response to your “unless you have something to discuss about her piece, I consider this discussion over” thing. I just realized that thunder doesn’t come before lightning. It’s irrelevant. I overlooked the word “interesting” last time. Haha.

I suppose it was presumptuous of me to comment on your review. “It doesn’t work” just sounds so much like a definitive statement on the piece being unreadable. And since I usually think of the average Urbis member as someone who doesn’t know what they hell they’re ever talking about,  maybe you can see why I’d take offense at that. But clearly you know more than I originally perceived. I guess I can see how not stating specifically where the writer goes wrong can be helpful. I’d personally be afraid of rewriting something good out of of self-doubt, but I’m not everyone.

Yes, it’s inspiring to know we’re learning at all times, even in times of contention; it was again out of lightheartedness that I said that. I wonder if I’m beginning to take it a bit too far, though. Yes, I had good intentions, but I certainly jumped on your review with more voracity than seems healthy.

Ah, well. I guess that’s another something arguments can teach us. The appropriate time to argue.

Glad we have come to an understanding.  

You are gracious and kind.  And perfectly in your right to react anyway you feel like.  I don’t think less of you at all. If you don’t mind, I will request we become friends, as I review from the earned friends queue very regularly.  Orange and I have also “buried the hatchet” and have become friends.

wow, can’t believe i missed all this.

i just want to say, even though this seems over already, that i see where each of you are coming from.

square: the only problem i’ve had with your reviews was not that they were rude or harsh or negative, it was that they didn’t have an explanation. each time i questioned you on it, you gave me more information, but in the initial review it was just: “this is incorrect, this does not fit how it’s supposed to, and this is not this.” instead, i think people would receive your reviews how they were intended if you simply said “this is incorrect, because the definition of this is this. this does not fit because of this and this; perhaps this would be better. and this specific sentence/word/paragraph/section does not work with the rest of the piece at all.”
and if it’s just that you want to guide someone in the right direction, than just give line references, sentences, whatever, you don’t have to explain how to fix it so much as very specifically what to fix. that’s all on that, though.

oh, and as far as “aflame”, that was changed out of desperation for less words. so i promise to fix that, and thanks for clearing up why there was a specific problem with that word.

if everyone on the site respected or at least respectfully disagreed with each others comments, this could be much more productive. it seems that we’ve all (meaning cheers and square and square and i) been able to eventually do that. there’s no reason to hurl insults; it doesn’t accomplish anything near what we’re all (hopefully) trying to accomplish, which is to improve out writing and aid in the improvement of others’ writing, right?

in closing, thanks for the time spent on this, but maybe let’s try and stick with not insulting each other and, on the other end, not taking offense to problems that are with our writing and not us. i don’t mean just you two by any means, you just triggered it.

hope everyone had a good holiday,

lu.

agree