Poetry / Captivity

First, you have wonderful stresses not only with alliteration but with the hard p’s, c’s, and t’s. This poem is what makes us editors get giddy. Perfect stanza construction.

Two things I would ask for: the title would not have caught my eye, unless you had a great cover letter and several other poems, and an alternative title, such as, Pipelined Prophets. Can you see how this title would be more eye catching than “Captivity”?

Second: the hyphen is useless in the fourth line, and “Swaying” is more effective as “Swayed.”

If you make those changes I’d say you can get this published.

As an editor I’d only look at your cover letter and form, and pass this on to several readers.

Bravo!

I find it very unique, the P’s used in the first sentence, it makes the reader want to participate and draws them forward into the piece!
The first two sentences are much deeper than they appear and intelligently written…good work!
Your work reminds me of some of my own where there is a message in uncommonly used words and sentences.  I like the used of “bigger” words and how you’ve structured and stragically placed them, again very good work!
  
taped…is it tapped?  Like tapping your finger?

Reality hangs in the hollow hands of infinity..this, your cincher statement in the end pulls the entire piece yet forward again and you may consider adding some to it.  It is a pleasure to read, is what I suppose I am trying to say.  Thank you for the opportunity.

Fabulous. I had to read this one out loud but once I did it hit me like a ton of bricks. This is such a good image of what is going on right now with all these politicians promising that the gas prices will go down, the house markets will go up, the war will end, if only you would vote for them. The media is a serious false praphet any more. Profoundly good.

I have no idea why…but for some reason this speaks to me of politics and the Gas price crisis. (maybe the is because I just filled up my car)
I loved the two words with the same starting letter, strung together… it added a sense of anticipation to the reading.
It’s just vague enough to allow the reader to inject his own interpritation. Which is great if that is what you want.
If you are trying to get YOUR thoughts across though…more explination is needed.
Though I think it is a wonderful poem as is.

There is a lot of consonance and assonance throughout this cleverly worded poem but it is all telling, not showing. Would love to know what the apparently particular perception was what messages the prophets propagated, for without this knowledge it is hard to understand what is thundering under surface appearances. If I were to hazard a guess this is about the media and spin and hype that we are all subjected to perhaps. But what really are the ‘hollow hands of infinity?” All is too vague, and doesn’t create any clear images or meaning to this reader. I would try for more concrete phrases and images, as they say, say what you mean. This attempt seems to get entangled with cleverness.                

There’s a lot of really powerful statements in this one. I like it.

“Reality hangs in the hollow hands of infinity, “

A very powerful line. The wordage in this piece is excellent. Very powerful. Excellent piece. I have no comments on how to better it. Some might argue that you over use periods and commas, but I would disagree, because they make a stopping point for the reader to consider what they just read… and there are a lot of considerations you packed into this one.

Great work.

Joel, I’ve been going at this for 27 years more than you trying to get this down on paper.

“Captivity,” just doesn’t strike me as a good title. If this was your baby what would you name it?

I like two tight stzs. This tells me you have revised this poem many times.

I love your alliteration without sounding silly, for example: / ... particular perception /
stems from checked choices, mated. /
Pipelined prophets propagate/

This is excellent because you are learning and I would gather you have an instructor prodding you. So now what are you going to do with alliteration. Will it propel your poem? Is that your intention? Don’t think just of this poem but all the other poems you have in your haad.

Besides the title, I do not see any reason that it shouldn’t be published. Submit this poem with 2 or 3 others. I gave you tens.

Bravo, my friend. Blessings, Gbryan

There is much to love about this poem!  Nice commentary on the flock mentality of people.  The abundance of assonance, sibilance, and alliteration is delightful, as is the fun wordplay (“thunder under” / “high, tied”). Subtle end near-rhymes (L4/5 & 9/10) are nicely underplayed in contrast to all that other stuff.  :)
The first sentence is a bit vague.  Whose perception?
The penultimate line doesn’t fit for me.  Are you saying Reality is “tied by misled uncertainty”?  Wouldn’t it just be their perception of reality?
And who are they anyway?  You never specify who you’re talking about. Everyone, presumably.  Fair enough, but criticising reality itself, as well as infinity (hollow-handed?) seems a stretch.  That line really irks me.
Overall, very nice work!
:)

On Captivity,
  The most profound thing I took from this piece was in tying the last word (uncertainty) with the title (captivity). This is something that rings true in my eyes, the being that uncertainty is the thing that holds us in captivity so often.
   You have some great alliteration in some lines. “Particular Perception” and “pipelined prophets propagate” and “hollow hands”. I really like that, and it leads to a great rhythm were present.
   The clarity of the piece is slightly lower than most people will require for understanding. Even though its a great alliteration, one must think for a few moments as to what “apparently particular perception” might mean. This is good for thought provoking mechanics, but some people won’t want to burn the calories.
  My favorite line: leaving altered facts behind graphics. That entire last stanza is a great line. I had the image of a really old light bulb igniting behind some crusty old paper that had written on it the emotions one is suspose to feel.
  Not sure if any of this is helpful, but it’s what I thought about after reading the poem. I want to say this piece had a bluesy feel to it.

  Stay Cool
  D.R.