I guess he was a coward for running. Great observations. Thank you for your eye.
Flash Fiction / On a Date with Fall Fashion (Analysis)
Our first date was awkward, but she knew this. I couldn’t see her mouth, I couldn’t hold her hand, and coping an ‘accidental’ feel of her ‘goods’ was impossible. This was all due to her body having been wrapped in a funeral pyre.
We had a lot to talk about.
Have any brothers and sisters? I asked.
Two brothers, she said. One a fireman. One a doctor.
Nice, I said.
Yes, she said.
Silence. We ate Italian while I composed words that would address her fall fashion.
So, I finally said, you’re wrapped in a funeral pyre.
Her two blue eyes peered from between twigs and dry, gray branches. She seemed to be worried.
Yes, she said. Yes, I am.
Why? I asked.
Fashion, Baby, she says with a knowing smile that makes me think she thinks – Oh shit, oh shit, he hates it.
But it was nice, in that Pagan sort of way. So I said: It’s nice, in that Pagan sort of way.
She smiled.
The evening picked up from that point on, once we both relaxed. By the end of the night things between us began to grow hot and heavy. There was a definite spark.
Oh no, I said.
Oh, shit, she said.
The spark fell between us. Then it wHHhhoOooooshed.
The pyre burst into flames. Her entire fall fashion burst into flames. So I ran.
I was thankful she had a doctor and fireman in the family, and surprised that they managed to save her.
I sent red lilacs to the burn ward. The card read: Call me sometime.
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Jimmel104 reviewed Version 1 -
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Wonderful.
You are right, some of the sentences are just a bit awkward, but I don’t think I would change them. They give some personality to the speaker who gives a Zohan type performance. “So, I finally said, you’re wrapped in a funeral pyre.”
You use this type of dialogue in a couple of spots and it works well.
It will take someone far more literate than I to offer any suggestions to improve.
Bravo!
9
only because the burning wasn’t quite a surprise and I always think flash fiction ought to have a bit of an O’Henry type ending; especially the humorous kind, but that’s just me.
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Dexus reviewed Version 1 -
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Sheepishly unaware of what makes a piece “flash fiction,” I will refrain from commenting on the odd transitions and grammar, as they are probably intentional. I didn’t stumble over any awkward wording, and your sentence structure is built smoothly. The story fits with the title.
One thing that caught me by surprise was that he ran when her fashion burst into flames. Why would he run? He was surprised they managed to save her…why didn’t he save her?
Interesting story. I like it, and enjoyed the flow and unique style. I’ll check out more “flash fiction” pieces :) Well done!
CharlesB reviewed Version 1 -
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That was awesome. Your romantic sparks actually caught her on fire and nearly killed her, but thankfully, she had the family resources to save her… cause you too off. Thats awesome. Great fiction. loved it.
youngwriter92 reviewed Version 1 -
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Love the end it’s sort of funny and sad at the same time. The title fits the story well or the story fits the title well either way they go together. you did a good job of keeping it in your 200-300 word limit and making it interesting. I like it.
Treatsa reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s a funny piece. I’d take out “The pyre burst into flames” because the next sentence is better anyway.
mannequingirl reviewed Version 1 -
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Very interesting in an absurd, delightful way. You can shorten the title to “Fall Fashion,” since the first sentence covers the info that you’re on a date. The first paragraph is great – it could stand on its own as micro-fiction.
The 2nd pgraph…the line “we had a lot to talk about.” Maybe stronger to say something like, “we had too much to talk about, so I started with the mundane.”
The “Fashion, Baby” seems a little incongruous with her alleged worry that “shit, he hates it.” Maybe stronger to follow “Fashion, Baby” with “What, you don’t like?”
“Red lilacs” maybe he painted them red…
“copping” instead of “coping”
Really cool piece.
DC_Karma reviewed Version 1 -
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Oh, wow. Tis was hilarious. I’m having a lucky day! I have had two great items to review in a row. Rare ;P
‘So I ran.’ OMG! And I fell out of my damn comfy chair! Glad she had a fireman and a doctor…haha!
The repitition of the thought to words, ‘nice in that pagan sor of way, so I said…’ This is something that I think would normally have irritated me. I found it wonderfully effective here. Nice job!
I don’t have a whole lot to nitpick about. The lack of quotation marks does not tend to distract from the dialogue at all. Another ‘nice’ mark rom me, I would normally be distraught over this ;)
Short, sweet…hot I wish I could have been more helpful, but found this delicious as is.
I like the ‘funeral pyre’ description from the very beginning. At first it had me wondering if you were alluding to something different, but she just looked like she got beat up by a forest. Fun.
Maybe she could become ignited by a candle or something? It would still be fun and would keep this in the realm of modern realism (with humor!!) without a magically ‘spark’ from things getting so ‘hot’. Slowly notice that this woman is ‘burning’ for him? Might be a fun idea to toy with.
napalmwriter reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting concept. Make sure to put quotes around the dialogue. Also, when writing back-and-forth dialogue between the same two characters, it isn’t necessary to repeat “he said”/”she said” with every line. It gets very repetitive. Do it in the first two lines of dialogue and then simply put the dialogue without the qualifiers. When you break the alternating pattern, then you have to qualify who is speaking.
“that makes me think she thinks”—awkward.
eminemslove85 reviewed Version 1 -
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that was a very nice story, i think u might have something there. i wanted to know more about them both..maybe u could write a book about this couple from where they met and see where that takes u. nice work. i think u might have made it a tiny tiny bit to short tho. i thik a few exrta lines could work. try it and see. hope this helped!!
orangemilkcrate reviewed Version 1 -
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There are a few awkward moments in this that you might consider just re-working a bit [try changing the sentence structure or making a few word choice changes]: around line 2, around line 11 through 13, line 19 through the end.
I like where it seems to be going, it reminds me of the style of… oh, his name escapes me. I will find it and post it to you.
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