I intended for it to be seen in your own mind by what you identify most with. Whether an aldultering husband or a cannibalistic maniac, the choice is on how you see it. I wanted it to grab you. Thanks for the awesome review.
Poetry / Devour
She smiled, a self satisfied smirk.
Secure in the knowledge that she held what had been mine.
I tried to warn her.
I railed ineffectively against the thick pane of glass that seperated me from them.
My voice grew hoarse from screaming.
His hands were on her body and that glint was in his eyes.
So hungry. So eager.
She was lost, abandoned in her desire.
I beat the glass until my knuckles split,
staining the glass with crimson smears.
I was surpirsed I could still bleed.
His smile was wide and dark as he nuzzled the long column of her throat.
I glimpsed his hungry red tongue flash out from between white teeth and
cried in dismay.
“No please!” I screamed, but wasn’t heard.
My efforts grew frenzied as
I tried to break through,
my blood coating the glass in rose hued sheets.
I cried, but not for myself.
That grin grew and nibbled at her lips.
And nibbled.
And nibbled.
I gasped in dismay, she gasped in desire.
That’s how it began.
She arched in wanton need.
I closed my weeping eyes.
I was too late.
She was his.
Gasps of pleasure became screams of pain.
Gore bespeckled the pane of glass.
I scrubbed furiously, but it wasn’t on my side.
It was over, I was defeated once more.
I cried myself to sleep, huddled
against a rose madder wall. Alone.
I awoke to find her leaning against me.
As tear streaked as I.
I evaluated her, seeking clues, redemption, hope.
She was long and lean to my petite and curvy.
Tan and blonde to my pale and dark.
A different flavor.
The glass had been cleaned.
The room was empty and unobscured.
I rose on shaky legs, careful not to disturb her.
My new cell-mate.
As I watched the room grew hazy, less real, weak.
Just as it looked like would disappear and fade away,
He was there. With a new girl.
My incubus.
I beat my battered hands upon the pane once more.
Beside me, the blonde did the same.
Our calls fell around us like thunderstorm hail.
Brutal and cold.
The new girl peered through the glass at us in confusion,
But she was already under his spell.
A new soul for his collection.
His feast began anew.
We tried though.
Yelling and screaming,
We bouth beat the glass, calling in hoarse cries.
“Run! Please, run!”
She didn’t hear, or didn’t care.
Again my blood stained the glass,
Mingling with my cell-mate’s.
Tinting the view.
The madness of it all touched my mind.
My screams became my own pain.
Trapped behind rising bile.
So much despair.
Beside me, the blonde cursed and scratched the glass,
her manicured nails, torn and ragged.
Her screams voiced our pain.
Bleeding.
Our blood was a mad stain upon the glass wall.
Beyond that red haze he continued his seduction.
Salvation was denied.
He devoured.
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playrite76 reviewed Version 1 -
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You amaze me. The way you use your words draws me in like the spider to the fly. ”Oh, look. What a pretty web. AHHH!” And the funny thing is that I am usually really picky about vague stories (even though I sometimes do it myself). But your verbage is entrancing. Listen, I haven’t said this in any other reviews, and I’ve done quite a few, but you definitely should try to get your work out there if you haven’t already. I would pay good money to read your stuff. I’m going to keep reading your work, and will be adding you to my favorites. Any help that I can offer is yours if you ask, But I don’t think you’ll need much.
There is only one thing (other than some spelling, but that’s insignificant) that I might change: ”As tear streaked as I.” It doesn’t sit well with me. I think that it’s probably just because I have grown used to your spectacular use of the language. Maybe try something like, “As teary-eyed as I.” It seems to flow better with your style and word usage. Other than that, this is perfect. My interpretation was that of a vampire at dinnertime, by the way. Keep up the excellent work!
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Carie reviewed Version 1 -
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You painted very vivid pictures. I could feel the panic and pain. I think you’ve written this extremely well and that you have a definite talent.
NinaMallory reviewed Version 1 -
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It is a really good poem. But you spelled both wrong, “We bouth beat the glass”. I liked how you explaind the blood on the window. I could picture it. You did really well good luck. I also like how you said “My screams became my own pain”. Really good wording throughout the whole poem.
Purpledawncloud reviewed Version 1 -
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I LOVE this kind of work,well done!
Just a few words not spelled correctly but other than that you kept me reading and yearning for more!
Nemrac reviewed Version 1 -
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What I like most: the lines “She was lost, abandoned in her desire.
I beat the glass until my knuckles split,
staining the glass with crimson smears.
I was surpirsed I could still bleed.”
Although I am confused to the meaning you’ve intented to convey (is this the tale of a lover catching their beloved in a lude act), I am still moved my the pictures you’ve painted with each of your passionate words.
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