I thank you very much for reading and for your good suggestions. I am truly warmed and grateful that you understood and liked it!
Poetry / An old life, a new resolve (Analysis)
An irrelevant, yet practical loser
Has lifted a self-imposed repression. Why?
The first part of his life was spent running in place.
He once chose not to see or be seen,
For the sun exposed his faults with aimless illumination.
He felt doomed by his timidity and lack of attractiveness.
Women’s disinterest in him numbed his normalcy into a translucent coma.
The weight of loneliness pressed his soul into a thin paste.
His heart became a convective organ of blood alone.
Past failures, missed chances, and unrequited feelings overwhelmed his thoughts.
The futility of every affectionless day brought on a state of perpetual ennui.
He buried his capacity to love, because he thought it was pointless for it to live.
But, despite all this, his hope never completely evaporated. He never knew why.
Something kept him going through all the attempts at hiding.
Then, 36 years into his life, a spark embedded deep within him broke through his façade.
Enough finally became enough. His heart finally screamed for visibility.
A choice presented itself. He grasped it. His entire being slowly rebooted.
His health improved. His shyness waned. Music once again liberated him.
New words, marinated in this new resolve, emerged and centered his thoughts.
A different existence felt possible. His horizon became unclouded, so he began to walk.
The second part of his life was beginning.
A relevant, yet impractical loser
Has raised in himself a belief in his future. Why?
Why not?
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traceylb reviewed Version 1 -
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I felt as if I were depresed in the beginning and then some life changing event took place and then he was reborn. I felt like the sun came out on a cloudy day and he was able to see life for what it was worth again. Thank you because I believe at some point we have felt this way.
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sadpoet reviewed Version 1 -
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When you start a piece out with a question, it is an intelligent move and lets the reader know right away, the question they are about to ponder with you. Well done right off the bat. The question is philosophical in nature which is also nice.
The first part of his life was spent running in place…SO MEANINGFUL a sentence here, it has twofold or even threefold meaning. Brilliant.
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For the sun exposed his faults with aimless illumination…I love how you used the sun here, different and did you imagine that regardless of what the person you are talking about thought about his faults, how absolutely insignificant they truly must have been to require the strength of the sun to reveal them!
I imagined the impact of a beautiful Quasimoto.
The weight of loneliness pressed his soul into a thin paste…I would remove The in the beginning and consider A or a describing word for the “weight of lonliness”.
His heart became a convective organ of blood alone…interesting.
Enough finally became enough. His heart finally screamed for visibility…consider capturing the moment and CAPITALIZING screamed for effect.
A choice presented itself. He grasped it. His entire being slowly rebooted….Oh man, you’ve got the bug, like when you watch TiVO and try to rewind real life and catch yourself! It is well used here and understandable…rebooted.
Has raised in himself a belief in his future. Why?...and ending with a question leaves us still pondering. Nice work. Thank you for the opportunity!
drbailey reviewed Version 1 -
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Dear Stranger:
I think this topic is one of the most common that people discuss in pieces. Luckly, you have some idiosyncratic images that helped this piece along. Some of my favorites are:
Stanza 3, line 2
Stanza 4, line 1
I think you should look at these lines and then look at some of your less unique lines, lines you could find in other pieces, or as the popular catch phrase: “cliche lines”, which I try to avoid because it’s cliche.
Examples:
Stanza 3, line 1
Stanza 4, line 3
I really liked that one line stanza, but not because of the line persay, but as to where it could go. I can see him running in place, trying to outrace hamsters.
Anyhow, I hope any of this helped. Some interesting Imagery here. Keep writing.
D.R.
vickiebellew reviewed Version 1 -
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This tale of the sad lonely man. Living alone, hiding for fear of pain and rejection.For the first time in my life I’ve saw a man could feel the same things I as a female have felt. I found this a wonderfully touching piece. and ending with hope for a brighter future. As I too need new beginnings. Great work.!!!!!Vickie
PenelopeMV reviewed Version 1 -
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Like the emblematic resloution of soldering on in an attempt at a ‘new’ life. Felt like I was let down at the end with question. I want answers. I know why the old life was less than livable, but now I want action- movement- to suddenly find resolve to live after a less than stellar life would have to take more gumption than a ‘why not’. Don’t you think?
MY favorite line:Past failures, missed chances, and unrequited feelings overwhelmed his thoughts. I also particularly liked the self imposed invisibility; Overwhelming shyness based of some ill perceived fault is common among humans.’Past failures, missed chances, and unrequited feelings overwhelmed his thoughts.’ Kicking yourself in the ass over them for years is unhealthy.Go for it.
Marvin reviewed Version 1 -
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Hello:
Good, easy pace, easily read. the bookend questions, “Why?” “why not?” a question answering the initial question, is good. i like that.
i’m told straight off that a self-imposed repression has been lifted. what follows is exposition as to what and why. this is good. i like retracing. it’s like reading backwards toward a beginning.
“aimless illumination”—didn’t ring for me. the sun, to me, or light, is nothing of not aimless and accurate.
“He buried his capacity to love, because he thought it was pointless for it to live.”—this line feels clunky. how about, “he buried his capacity for love, thinking it too pointless to live?” shorter and just as easily understood.
the spark carried that caused his epiphany turns out to be “choice.” this is good, but it’s broad and vague. It’s not very tangible and thus not memorable. consider showing me what that choice was, give it more form.
“rebooted” also felt odd. likening the narrator to a computer gives this piece a faint sci-fi tinge. was this your intent?
“Health improved”—was he so sick? again, show me his sickness with more concrete detail early on. green face turning to flesh tones as his health improves.
good piece. hope this helps. thanks.
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