Poetry / Untitled

Inspires instant thirst and the paranoia of what happens if you sit too long, unguarded in nature.

I really enjoyed this piece. It’s cynicism made me smile, and it’s heat gave a cool delivery.

I would suggest leaving out ‘and you’re dead’ in the crows quote. With breath mentioned as being gone, I don’t believe you need to bring it any further…you do so with bleached skeleton and so on. Take out ‘Hey’ too. Start with ‘pitiful man’

‘The crow flew,
high and by with a
ka-kaw
taunting me’ – I’d suggest leaving this section of the piece at this. Obscene laughter just didn’t seem to connect clearly with the next line.

Otherwise, very enjoyable. I dug the erratic structure as well, i think it gave to the work.

taunting crow
man waiting for death
keeping his sense of humor

I wonder- is he drinking his own urine?

interesting piece.  the spacing is playful but i’m unsure of how effective or even how needed it is.  it doesn’t harm the piece, so i reckon it’s fine.

“gods forsaken”—god’s forsaken

“I took a sip”—you’ve switched tenses at the close.  ”I take a sip”?  

clever and entertaining.  i’d only suggest keeping an eye on silly errors and keeping your tenses consistent.  thanks.

I found this poem creative, trendy, liked the “Hey pitiful….” words of the crow and how you lined it up visually. Subject matter is not in my personal interest therefore for me the 6. However, it flows, is well written so a 9 for overall ‘publishable’ was the ranking I gave you.

Western poems have such a splendid ring to them. This is well written with the simile man/bacon.I imagined the crow high above taunting- so this was  well done.The poem, not the bacon.

1) loved the set up of the lines
2) i don’t think you need a (.) after bacon.
3) “in gods forsaken skillet”  you don’t need it, because everyone knows what you’re saying, but you might want to say ” god’s ”  or even ” gods’ ” skillet, depending on your view of “god”.  
4) I loved this, is is so simple and so beautiful and should be morbid, but isn’t.  Loved it..  that’s a lot for a crow to say with one ka’kaw.. heh

J. Humiston

I love it but geez o_o thats harsh.. and alittle messed up xD love the style and wording.. makews me wanna kill that crow <_<

This is great stuff, you get a great feel of the author’s mind set, the bacon sizzling on god’s skillet, very nice. I would maybe suggest a verse about the situation he’s in, maybe how or why he’s there, however I’m not sure if it doesnt work better ambiguous like it is, leaves a little to the imagination. Either way this is good stuff, well done.

i like it. I don’t know much about poetry but i think it kind of sounds like Oklahoma in the summer.

First off, a crow is a bird, not an animal, did the narrator mean the first living thing he saw? I take it that the narrator was stranded or the last to be alive on some forsaken scorched earth (scortched=scorched). Vultures are more liable to appear when there is death near at hand to pick at carrion, not crows actually. This reads more like an intro to a short story than a poem to me, as it leaves so much unanswered and sets up a situation where I want to know more. I like “God’s forsaken skillet,” good line. Not sure where this is going though.