Thank you for your constructive and honest criticism. What about the continuity of the story did you not agree with or were unpleased with? Revisions are indeed in the works , and I would love for your personal opinion. There are also chapters 2 and 3 uploaded which begin to explain why the army is attacking.
Novel Treatments / A Kingdom With No Gates Chapter 1
In a town called Brautin, way past the old mill, on the other side of the Great Widow Mountains, there once stood a town of Eminences disturbance. Such a ruckus arose that Shooly (a middle aged barkeep from the Frasmous Inn aka the Fras) awoke from a deep sleep. “What is all that noise?” barked Shooly. Reeca, his lovely but aging wife, screamed “How should I know, I was asleep just like you” as she stumbled out of bed. Trying to find her footing she stepped on a wooden bowl laying next to the bed and collapsed to the ground holding her ankle in agony. “Oww , you left your bowl of slop on my side of the bed again.” Shooly quickly reached back and balled up his fist, swung at Reeca ,but smashed his fist into a wall. He had been drinking quite profusely last night and hardly remembered his last name. Laughing and almost crying Reeca went to the window to look outside and see what the racket was all about.
As she peered into the streets, she could see beatings of men and women. The young and the elderly were not spared in this horrific slaughter. as a sword slashed threw a bare chested child’s abdomen, she closed the tattered rags they used for drapes, and made haste for the trap door underneath the bed. Picking her limp husband’s body off the ground, she struggled to lift him. when she remembered her husband stored a hefty pouch of awakening powder in his carnoosh. she rushed to his dresser drawer to find the bag of magical powders. “Found it!” she exclaimed.
”A little touch of that, a little pinch of this, makes forth a rebirth from drunkenness.” she tossed it gently onto his unconscious body and Shooly quickly awoke, sober and feeling better then he had in ten years. “So what was that noise dear?” he questioned. “There are men in black hoods outside killing off da town folk!” his bride proclaimed.
He made a mad dash to the wall afar from the window, throwing his well made elvish lac roon across the room. Even though he had bought this bed from the market a mere 2 parnons ago (thats a month to you Human kind.) Running madly down the spiral stairs, they made their way to the underground tunnels from the Funtucket outbreak two years prior. “Who were those people?” Reeca asked Shooly. “Some people I hoped I’d never see again. The Grand Army of Rangoul. I cant believe they came back.” Shooly said as he shook his head and pounded his fist in anger.
A hushed silence over fell them; awkward yet not unwelcome. The littlest sound or motion most certainly would be detected by the army. Their leader ; the most frightening member of the army, shouted out orders just above. As his voice bellowed , dirt and other minuscule material began sprinkling itself upon it’s inhabitants seeking shelter and escape. Reeca stood still , almost as though paralyzed; unable to build up the courage to run. In seeing her inability to move, Shooly grabbed her, and whispered, “What has gotten in to you? Don’t you want to live?” Reeca didn’t say anything, just simply nodded in his direction. She realized if she didn’t start to move , and quickly, quite possibly she would find herself being the army’s main course at dinner. Grimacing at the mere thought of the horrors to befall them if they didn’t find refuge beyond the reaches of the foul army’s men, they made a dash for the end of the tunnels. At last they reached an end which spiraled upwards just as the stair case that lead them to the tunnels to begin with.
Out of breath and exhausted , Reeca collapsed as she stared horrified at Shooly. “Why are they after us Shooly?” she asked inquisitively. Shooly stood with a blank gaze into oblivion, as though actually searching for an adequate explanation without divulging too deeply to her the truth. While deep in ponder , he lost his footing and tumbled down the stair casing that was his refuge from the dank tunnel. “Shit” he mumbled, as he tried to regain his footing to crawl the stair casing yet again .For the first time since the escapade began, Reeca belted out a menacing laugh. “What the hell is so funny?” Shooly asked demandingly. “ I just thought that perhaps if you would have finished your bowl of slop, then instead of tumbling down the stairs , you might have bounced your fat ass all the way down them and back up again!” “Mind your tongue woman” Shooly growled back. “If I were at mind to, I would leave you here for them” he said while nodding in the direction from whence the army was trudging. “Calm yourself now, if they catch me then where would you find yourself?” Reeca asked. With a spiteful grin he thought to himself “Happy woman, that is where I would find myself”, but he dared not say it aloud.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
jaugne reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
This 303 word review has not been unlocked.
SwordMistress reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
This reads like a child’s fairytale, but I’m not sure that’s the audience you intend. Some of the language isn’t suitable to children. Who is your attended audience? This seems to have a promising start. I would suggest making the protagonists a little more likable. I found myself not caring if the army found Shooly or Recca.
I would have liked to have read more about what the army looked like and their background.
“a town of Eminences disturbance.” I don’ t know what you mean by this.
“How should I know,” Always start a new paragraph when someone new is speaking.
The reader needs more description about what is going on in the streets. Who is doing the killing? What do they look like? Does Reeca know who they are? Is she in shock at seeing all the killing or is this a normal occurrence where they live?
“Picking her limp husband’s body off the ground,” I thought he was in bed. When did he pass out. Last I read he swung at her and missed.
“to you Human kind.)” Do you mean that Reeca and Shooly are not human? If that’s true the reader needs to know as soon as possible.
“The littlest sound or motion most certainly would be detected by the army.” How? Aren’t they underground? I wouldn’t think they could hear footsteps or whispers.
- add/view comments (1)
lostthunder reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
“mere 2 parnons ago (thats a month to you Human kind.)”-it may be better to leave out these type of explanations. normally in an “other time” type fiction, there isn’t an explanation behind the language used. the reader is left to figure things out, and as long as you don’t throw in too much of it, it won;t get confusing.
“Shooly?” she asked inquisitively.”-there are parts where the description gets redundant. how else would you ask if not inquisitively? there are other examples, but… anyway some of the descriptions just seem obvious and repetitive. other parts lack description. like the horror just outside the window. perhaps more on what was seen. fires, blood, blahblah. just a thought.
the character interaction doesn’t seem to fit the situation. not sure that they would be laughing or fighting with themselves if they were scared for their lives.
and finally, it is suggested to make breaks when dialogue starts. if you have more than one person talking in one paragraph, its kind of tough to follow who’s saying what.
overall, the catch isn’t bad. two people awaken by an army thrashing through the town and the ensuing escape. however the presentation needs some work. keep plugging at it. LATER
gbryananderson reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
You have some fantastic things going for you here.
not sure of the conflict of rebecca and shooly.
I don’t understand the beating of the women in the streets.
I gave you low marks just because of the continuity of the story. I’d like to see major revisions. Blessings, Gregory
Marvin reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
opening line has a good, sweeping description, but it was confusing to me. Am i to assume that Brautin(present day), stands atop an older city?
“eminences distubance”—hmmm…i’m assuming eminences is the name of the old town, but i’m lost on “disturbance.” why not simply begin the story in the old town?
much imagination. well done. drunken man, scrambling wife, people being slaughtered outside in the street. great source of tension/peril.
“she would find herself being the army’s main course at dinner.”—is the army cannibalistic? something to consider.
“Why are they after us Shooly?” she asked inquisitively.—redundant. ”she asked” will work just fine.
cute banter between the couple as they are surrounded by murder and mayhem. you (and your writing partner), have a lot going on here. i’m interested to know more about this place, about the people, the motivations of such a brutal army. lots of small spelling and grammatical error, but nothing you can’t remedy yourself after revisions.
i’d only suggest that you keep an eye on clarity.read it out loud. best of luck. thanks.
Showing 1 - 5 of 5
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
5 Reviews 4 Comments
Version 2
Latest Activity: about 1 month ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 6 Times
Skipped: 5 Times
Ratings & Rankings
Versions
| Version 2 |
| Version 1 |