As a matter of fact,
it is not how I live.
and,
my age group has nothing to do with my writing,
just because your higher in age does NOT mean you have more expierience.
Young Adult / Typical Day.
The sky is bright,
My chins up high.
Riding on the edge.
Coasting the beachside.
Sublime in my ears.
Studs on my belt.
Feet on the board.
Smile on deck.
Weed in my pocket,
Got to protect.
Watching all paranoid,
Keeping check.
Going to make a stop,
People drive on by.
“Hey sexy mama!”
Screams a really hot guy.
Looking at the shore,
Then back at my watch.
It’s time to go,
I got to stop at the girls house.
I make it to the door,
And her mom’s screaming.
She bursts out the door saying
“Fuck this shit, we’re leaving.”
She grabs her board,
And back to the beach.
We smoke a blunt.
Now we got some bitches to beat.
Back at the house,
Party’s going on.
Grubbing up a storm.
We got some dancing upon.
Later tonight,
I’ll get some sleep.
As for now,
The night is deep.
This is my life nigga.
Day and Night.
We keep it straight,
And we definatly keep it tight.
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IndyWalsh reviewed Version 2 -
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IdeeFixe09 reviewed Version 1 -
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This should go in poetry. I do suppose if you’re going to keep the last word of the first phrase in your last stanza, you’ll have to have your third line flow. The others flow nicely together, but that one sticks out. My English teacher always told me to stay away from the word ‘nice’.
Also in your third stanza, third line it is way too long. Your other lines are fairly short and compact while this one is hanging out over the pier. Tighten it up and it’ll go nicely.
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Fazzerelli reviewed Version 1 -
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Firstly, I’m not sure why you don’t rhyme in the 5th verse, why only this one without an approximate rhyme? This is a good view of real life of the youth of today, as far as I know being an oldie ;), but it’s not any kind of amazing insight. Have you seen the film Kids? Skating, smoking, partying but so much more too. Put that into a poem and you’ve struck gold!
grim_paladin reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very compelling so to speak. It needs alot of work. The use of language isn’t the best, yet it perfectly suits your age group. It’s probably something that people your age could relate too. I do like, however, that it gives me an insight into your life, though I don’t approve of it, I can’t tell you how to live your life.
MARCH reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought it was cool. It’s a diffrent than most poems. It’s very rare that you get a poem about ducking the cops. I also I liked how in the very small part you let us see how her friend and her mom didnt really get along.
UncleHarry reviewed Version 1 -
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this was very good, I like this piece. keep writing.
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