Thanks for addressing that sentence. Seemed awkward to me when I finished the draft.
Stay Cool,
D.R.
Flash Fiction / Public Service Warning: Spontaneous Combustion (Analysis)
We falsely held hope that warnings would present themselves before an eruption occured.
We believed that terrible syllables would begin to form on the backs of the simmering person’s Starbuck’s napkin. Cliché end rhymes such as: The boy was not a toy, but it was all a ploy against that a terrible boy.
We all believed that panic would set out, displayed as red cracks tearing away at the blue in the eyes.
But there was a terrible truth we refused to believe: that one could be wounded -- a very tiny blow invisible to detection -- for a lengthy time and show no symptoms only to suddenly shatter and cease and desist and cover everything piece of décor in the foyer.
And that is how Carla Dumpstain blew up in the fourth period lunch line.
The most common account claims that she was dressed in a cheerleading outfit, as most Wednesday pep rallies required. She wore a golden smile, traced by the ivory of her perfect porcelain teeth—her hair in a pony tail, her brown eyes shiny. Her tiny frame held an orange tray as she waited patiently for her turn of the mystery soup.
There are many theories as to what caused the explosion of everyone’s favorite cheerleader:
Constipation. Heroin. Humid weather. Underage sex. Allergies.
One theory was that Ron Jenkingson, star linebacker for the football team, did not return her perfect smile with one of his own – having secretly spent last weekend (after the Snow Ball) with Lydia Frunkson – the exotic, promiscuous German exchange student.
The most popular theory, the one published by the Round Table Times, was that it was a pure case of hormones mixed with a heavy dose of exposure to Kierkegaard in philosophy, second period. The report claimed that this was nothing more than a serious case of Fear and Trembling, as well as being fully ignorant of the volatile glycerin within the body of the host, which ultimately led to the explosion.
What is known is that chaos controlled the lunch room. Twinkies and Jello and the mystery soup (along with pieces of Carla) covered the walls, tables, and the shocked faces of startled students. It wasn’t until the authorities had control of the situation, a head count was fully conducted, and the Dumpstains were sobbing on the front lawn of Johnson High, that everyone realized it was Carla who had exploded.
She had broken down and collapsed. She had fallen from grace. Panic had set out, displayed as red cracks tearing open.
There was much anxiety in the lunch line that year.
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arsimpulsum reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s trying too hard to be clever and creative for a simple case of an exploding cheerleader. Too much frilly-ness mixed in with the facts – just the facts please.
It has a lot of potential to be, I think, humourous using plain language describing fear and loathing in the lunch line. I want to understand it but I don’t quite get blowing up because a guy didn’t smile at her – or perhaps I don’t put too much emphAsis on the pathological need for male attention. Or was that what you were trying to get across?
There seems to be two things going on prose and poetry…it confuses me
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mel_d reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow. Way to grab a reader’s attention.
Johnsienoel reviewed Version 1 -
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You state it is a rough draft so I guess my best approach here will be to bullet point general impressions:
1. is the jist of the FF in the 5th line – we bully and think that is hurts no one only to discover with time and pressure the volatile mixture will combust? or is it just the volatile mix of teen angst, hormones and the pressures of growing up?
2. The first 4 lines feel out of place – they feel more line an epilogue than prologue…are these kids really that adept to realize the consequences to their actions?
3. Red cracks tearing open? Is this meant to represent ire/rage/anger?
4. The image you present of Carla standing in line is so passive and patient I would have expected a more agitated state prior to combustion – the toxic mix of fear, trembling and glycerin within her body (not sure I understand the glycerin analogy)that is mentioned towards the end
5. Dumpstain? Is there deeper meaning or significance in the name?
6. cover everything piece of décor in the foyer – is this what was intended or should everything be omitted?
7. Title – for the reader where is the WARNING other than the ones hoped to present themselves?
I hope this helps – I will be curious to see how it evolves.
Moira_Fitzpatrick reviewed Version 1 -
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I sincerely thought this was going to be some sort of disaster piece. For the first two or so paragraphs I had Mr. Movie Phone’s voice in my head. And then you whip lashed me. It was very effective.
“The most popular theory….in philosophy, second period.” If it was me (which it isn’t) I would get rid of “second period.” It is a nice little flourish but it does make that sentence drag on just a second too long (in my opinion).
“The report claimed that…which ultimately led to the explosion.” Sentence too long! Do something! I love what it says just rework it so that it doesn’t wear you out by the time you reach the end of it.
This is nit picky (so don’t hate) but I also noticed you used fully ignorant and then a couple of sentences down used fully again to describe conducted.
“There was much anxiety in the lunch line that year.” I loved how it ended. I firmly believe things should be ended with a punch. You punched me well.
It was extremely funny.
Astriapo reviewed Version 1 -
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I love it. It reminds me of one of those spontaneous thoughts that you just have to put on paper, a great warm up to a bigger novel. I could see this becoming something bigger. A whole novel of “oddities” at the high school. Thanks for sharing.
Is it meant to be so short? This could easily be made longer and not seem to redundant..
orangemilkcrate reviewed Version 1 -
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overall, this is great. i LOVE the idea, love how it was presented, love the bits of repetition and reiteration, love the piece in general.
”...only to suddenly shatter and cease and desist and cover everything piece of décor in the foyer.” obviously has a spelling error, and the sentence that is attached to this chunk i thought was very weak. in the midst of all the greatness of this, it stuck out like a sore thumb. there are a few other word choices i might re-think, but i don’t want to impose anything. i would suggest going through and looking at each description with a fresh mind and see if you picture exactly what you’re trying to portray.
all in all, well done times two.
-lu.
acdoyler reviewed Version 1 -
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uhboy. i’m going to have to drink beer to review this. so freely ask for a refund from urbis, but i’m at work and i’m like: huh? this is like weird news clip of the day.
let’s upgrade the good doctor to short stories, shall we? something with a plot? character development…you know. i know you like the flash. i do know that. yessir. ummhmmm. yepper. it’s a fact. but if you want to grow as a writer you need to expand like a hot molecule. spend a few days on something. a week.
malapropist reviewed Version 1 -
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Weird and funny. Dumpstain, ha. It made me happy.
Sentence: But there was a terrible truth… This sentence lost me. I think it just need clarification and to have its mechanics fixed up. You can do it.
Go through and cut some “that”s. First one necessary, next four can go. Read it out loud both ways and see if you like it, if it still seems clear.
Your mechanics are ok for the most part, it’s that some of your sentences are awkwardly constructed. Being a rough draft, that’s not something to worry about.
The delivery of the sentence And that is how Carla… is perfect. Read this entire piece out loud. To yourself, to a friend, or a friend to you. Listen to each sentence and try to pick out places where you trip up, where it sounds weird. Those sentences need attention. You have enough good sentences to make me think your ear will be good enough to catch the clunkers.
Also, think about the “point” of this piece. The title says it’s a PSA, but it didn’t have many of the markings of PSA. It wasn’t preachy, it didn’t offer advice (advice on how not to spontaneously combust would be funny). Youtube some PSAs and think about what makes them funny to you. Try to work those elements in.
Good luck. I think this will be really good in a couple of drafts.
jeells reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting piece. Just a few minor concerns:
The “golden smile” doesn’t work for me. The ivory teeth work, but this is an accurate description of the color of teeth, and the color gold is not anywhere in a smile. I would perhaps look for a different word to describe either the color of a smile or some other attribute.
“red cracks tearing open”? I don’t understand what this is referring to.
Small technical note:
2nd paragraph: “but it was all a ploy against that a terrible boy.” Omit either “that” or “a”
Matthewtuckey reviewed Version 1 -
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Pretty good!
You mention a “tiny blow for a lengthy time”- I was wandering if you meant a series of tiny blows, that would have done damage over time…?
I felt like you skipped over a description of the actual moment of explosion- the sound of the “bang” and the sight of her stomach ripping open and drenching nearby diners. That’s what I wanted. What would it actually be like? Research online maybe!
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