Poetry / The love talker (Analysis)

HI there, i just got done reading ur poem and u had a pretty good idea about what u were wanting to write about but i didnt really care much for it because it didnt make since to me. the story did, but how u worded it didnt. i think u had to many I’s in it cuz that threw me off like this  ”Child that I was I listened:” and “Fresh as I was I loved him.
Fresh as I was I loved him.” i think u might have messed up or hit the ke bored to many times. i think what u ment was this.

Child that I was listend to.

Fresh as I was loved him.

and so on a so forth.

hope this helps!

good luck.

Alright this is not bad but I have afew things to mention first up the ending why did you end with “Fresh as I was I loved him” twice? I think once is enough unless there is some sort of significance as to why you mentioned it twice I’m not really fond of how you ended this peom but oh well this is just my opinion of course.

Don’t get me wrong I can see what you’re trying to say just vaguely enough to gain some sort of understanding there are afew lines within this piece that I think is just pure genius!

Amazing lines like for instance this line here is my favourite

“the way the quickening stream sings tenor, beneath the last thin skin of winter”

Thats brilliant so I can see you have definite talent and potential. I love your wording its amazing what you’ve come up with. I thought the imagery and flow could be better but overall I thought this poem was apart from challenging in a few areas, very good!

Thanks for the interesting read,

Amy

i could tell that you really did love him by the way that you talk about him in your poem.

gripping.  wow you really did a great job on this i really like it.

This is nicely written, but would be so much better if you omitted the last stanza, otherwise it just sounds like song lyrics rather than a poem.

This was sweet.  I think you should end at V4.  ”woke, goosebumped, reaching out with empty hands” says it all and allows the reader to go off into their own emotional world.  V5 only serves to pull us back and makes the poem all about you. And “Fresh as I was” is so wonderful the first time around.

One small nit pick: “fecund” rings sour.  It is sensory correct but by now I’m so lost in my own rose colored memories I want everything smelling that way as well.  A personal choice, see if it holds true for others.

This is very nice.  Wonderful use of language to maximize pleasant sounds and vibrant images.  The variations of line length on the first read through pulled me up a bit but, by the second read, that was no problem at all.  The use of anaphora is excellent and the repetitions strengthen both the emotional content of the work and are testament to your craftsmanship.  I am impressed.  

Nicely written poem about first love. Lovely as a ray of sunshine & fresh too.