Poetry / Ripped Jeans. (Analysis)

This poem has a lot of potential. You’re great at setting the mood and invoking emotion. The poem doesn’t seem to go anywhere, though. I read your note and realize that this is a prologue, but I still feel there should be a bit of a stronger finality to it. I’m sure it would all make more sense if I read “Knife,” I tried getting to your profile to read it but I couldn’t figure out how to get there from here so please keep that in mind while reading my critique.

I did see a few technical errors that may have been done on purpose, but I think fixing them would make this a more powerful poem. In the second stanza, first line, change the period to a comma. In the third stanza, type out “two” instead of 2. In the same stanza, third line, put an ’s’ at the end of “fizzle.”

Overall this is a good piece and with a little work will pack quite a punch.

I really enjoyed this. Your use of imagery is powerful, and while it’s a short piece, it still transported my attention to a different place.

The structure is very strong, but I’m having a hard time overlooking the pseudo double-negative in stanza 3, line 2. I understand the beats in the sentence are necessary to fit the rhyme scheme you have going, but “probably” seems lost.

Keep writing!

Very interesting imagery. The set up seems like a scene from a play or a movie. I realoze that I have not read your other work, which makes it hard to understand exactly what is going on in this particular piece. Is the speaker talking to another person? I would definitely love to read more just to find out what is going on and what will happen. Over all I liked it.

Fair enough to say without Knife I won’t get it.

The last line is killer – that one that let’s me smoke near the window says so much.

I would critique for more.  

Though, without the other poem, I may be wrong.

I have nothing negative to say but  I do have some questions. Is this a poem or is it a piece of fiction? It seems to be a story, or the begining of one, but then it is broken up into stanza. Maybe thats what you wanted? Im not sure and Im all for someone doing what they want but I just need to know before I can really critique your work. You have some great images in here and I actually like the voice that is coming through as well. The sarcasm is thick and thats a difficult things to do in writing. Please let  me know more so I can keep track of this piece, I think it has something good to it.

The ending just cut off… You have room for more of the tale… What happens to the man with the cig? What has the woman done to be late? Where does it end? You have a great beginning, but a rushed ending, go back and take a look and ponder for a minute ‘what can be the ending?’

very descriptive.  Whould like to know more.. What happens.. hope you have more to come.
nice work

I enjoy your abstract structure very much, though I must say it seems like you have so much more to say than “mere” poetry.  There’s a solid storyline bubbling just beneath the surface here, I think, and it could truly blossom with a little development.  

A few suggestions:  I know you’re purposely using sentence fragments, but you could make them a little more choppy and keep the flow moving if instead of “shuddering” you used “shudder”  (line 7) so that, instead of sounding as though it is a continuation of line 6, rather it has its own status in the narrator’s mind; recognized separately.

Nice work!

I give it a better than average shot at becoming a publication only because there is an actual conflict “supposedly”.

I’m left kinda wondering why the girl just doesn’t wait for her boyfriend inside the house so she isn’t freezing.  And you’re not mad?  The best fuck of you life no doubt definitely sounds like she’s mad in my opinion.

It would be interesting though to find out what happens next.